Tag Archives: best of itf

 

We All Want Love to Win Out. But Whose?

Best of In The Fray 2007. The ex-gay movement and the battle over what it means to be whole.

Snow is falling on Tremont Street, and people are shouting. Hate is curable and preventable! Conversion therapy kills gay teens! Jesus, cleanse this temple! The steps of the Tremont Temple Baptist Church are filled with snow and people pushing up against a line of riot police and shivering in the surprise of a violent October snowstorm.

Inside, a kid in an argyle sweater and glasses sits next to his mother in the crowded pews. The muffled din of protesters bursts its way into the church every time the security guards open the doors. Tom M. (who asked that only his last initial be used) came to this conference because he loves his mom and wants to show his support for her. His mom came because she loves Tom and she’s worried about him getting into drugs, contracting AIDS, and going to hell.

Over the summer, Tom, who is 20 and a college student, finally told his mom, who is Greek Christian Orthodox and a doctor, that he’s gay. Instead of dragging him to the family priest, as Tom expected, his mom went on the Internet. She learned that Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, the president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), would be speaking on “the condition of male homosexuality” at the next “Love Won Out” meeting — a traveling conference series created by the Christian powerhouse Focus on the Family — so she bought two plane tickets from Cleveland to Boston.

They were a little late getting to the conference, and by the time they arrived, protesters had lined the steps of the church. Tom felt embarrassed and ashamed as they were escorted into the building, bag-searched, and given orange identification bracelets, but he decided to go through with it for the sake of his mom.

A few rows away from Tom sits Josh Greene (who asked that his name be changed), a young man in a tight white T-shirt and yarmulke. Unlike most people at events like “Love Won Out,” Josh, who’s 28, is Jewish Orthodox, not socially conservative — he’s in favor of gay marriage, and doesn’t believe homosexuality is necessarily bad. Most of his friends are gay, and he pretty much dates only men. He has lived in Manhattan, New York City, his whole life, surrounded by gay-affirmative culture. Josh is at the meeting because for the past three years, he has been seeing a private reparative therapist trained by Dr. Nicolosi. Even though he has same-sex attractions, he doesn’t believe he was born gay.

“Love Won Out” is here today in Boston to send the message to the state of Massachusetts — which in May 2004 became the first state to allow gay marriages — that gay people can turn straight. Tom and Josh — two gay men — sit among the people inside the church, many of whom are raising their hands into the air and praying. They pray for the queers outside, and for the depravity that has seeped into the community. They pray along with the pastor, who says: “They’re standing out there and it’s snowing. It’s bitterly cold. I can see the hurt, the anger, the hatred in their eyes.” Some people are looking a little shaky. A couple of cops have come inside to stand guard, and a woman clutches her purse while telling her friend that not even the Disney channel is safe anymore.

There’s an audible sigh of relief when Melissa Fryrear, director of gender issues for Focus on the Family’s government and public policy division, starts tapping the microphone. She says that in Kentucky, where she’s from, they do two things well: fast horses and big women. Melissa, a bubbly gal of generous proportions, came all the way to Boston to spread a little sweetness over the bitter pill a lot of folks in the audience are having trouble swallowing. It’s called being gay. But Melissa, who “used to be 99.9 percent a lesbian” but is now “seeking a tall red-headed man in his early 40s, who loves football and might look great in a Scottish kilt,” came here to spread what she calls a message of hope: Homosexuality is not immutable; there is no such thing as the perfect family; and there are lies being put forward by the enemy, not the truth.

Arguing over the definition of success

The Boston conference was a first for both Tom and Josh, but both had done their homework on the history of “Love Won Out” before attending. Developed in 1998 by Focus on the Family — an evangelical Christian nonprofit that works interdenominationally to preserve traditional family values — “Love Won Out” is touted by its organizers as a response to the “gay propaganda” being embraced by many American schools and churches. Focus was concerned by the cultural shift toward widespread acceptance of the gay lifestyle, and felt that many people were confused about what to believe. “Love Won Out” was created to answer those questions, primarily through testimonials of former homosexuals who claim to have turned heterosexual.

One such former homosexual is Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, the world’s largest Christian ex-gay organization. Focus regularly hires Chambers and other Exodus representatives to promote the message at “Love Won Out” that change is possible. At today’s conference, Chambers’ speech on “Hope for Those Who Struggle” is aimed specifically at people who are unhappy living the gay lifestyle, and one thing Chambers really enjoys is giving hope through metaphor.

“Ever been on an airplane and gotten dehydrated?” asks Chambers. “You know you’re supposed to drink water instead of Coke, but you really want to order the Coke instead. But contrary to what they say, Coke isn’t the real thing. It may quench your thirst, but it doesn’t do what water is intended to do.”

People nod their heads and chuckle; it seems true enough. They’re here today, most of them, because they’re gay or love someone who is, and in Chambers’ estimation, that’s bad because — like Coke — homosexuality isn’t natural and good for you. The belief that homosexuality is unnatural forms the underlying basis of reparative or conversion therapy, a form of psychotherapy meant to change a person’s sexual orientation from gay to straight, and groups like Exodus draw heavily on reparative literature. (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays [PFLAG], a gay-affirmative organization, notes on its website that reparative therapy has no support from major medical and mental health professional organizations.)

Chambers doesn’t sugarcoat his message by telling people it’s easy to change from gay to straight, but that’s because he doesn’t have to. Most “Love Won Out” attendees already agree that homosexuality is like Coke: It won’t necessarily kill you, but it’s not going to improve your health. Moreover, the idea of a perennial battle against cravings and desires is a familiar one to religious fundamentalists, who make up a large part of the audience at these events. So when Chambers talks about the necessary suppression of urges and tells the crowd “there is no such thing as a struggle-free life,” the crowd doesn’t wonder why indulging certain urges would be bad.

Except for Tom. Chambers has been explaining that homosexuality is “cannibalistic” and “a medication that keeps us coming back over and over again” and “like living off credit cards — it’s a counterfeit to make us feel better for a period of time.” And Tom has been rummaging around in his book bag. When Chambers opens the floor for discussion, Tom pulls out a copy of The Advocate, a national gay and lesbian publication, and raises his hand.

“Have you heard of John Evans?” asks Tom, whose mom sits beside him, looking troubled. Chambers, too, seems uneasy, but admits that he does know Evans, who, as cofounder of the ex-gay group Love in Action, later renounced that organization as misleading and harmful to gays. Quoting Evans, Tom goes on: “Since leaving the ex-gay ministry I have seen nothing but shattered lives, depression, and even suicide among those connected with the ex-gay movement.” Then he asks Chambers, “What’s your opinion of Evans, and how can you continue to preach this information when a founder saw after a few years how wrong it was to try and change the way people are?”

Not a bad question. In fact, no one really knows how well transformational ministries and reparative therapy work, which is to say that people measure success and failure differently, and in the jargon of groups like Exodus, someone who “struggles with same-sex attraction” isn’t “gay” because “homosexuality” doesn’t “exist.” To be gay in this estimation means simply to take on the political and social identity of gayness; heterosexuality is the natural and indisputable norm, regardless of homosexual feelings, because a man’s body and a woman’s body together enable humankind. No one’s denying homosexual urges exist; the question is what to do with those urges. Chambers analogizes it this way: “Your feelings lie to you all the time. If there’s a piece of chocolate in front of me, of course I want to eat it, and my feelings say yes. But eating chocolate isn’t good for me, and if I eat enough of it, it could make me die.”

Then there’s the issue of whether change is possible, and how to measure it. According to reparative therapist Jim Phelan, it’s important to recognize the difference between change and success. “Very few people change,” he says, noting that only a third of his clients reach true heterosexuality. “But many have success, which is measured differently for each person. For some men, success means being married and having sex with their wife and not thinking of a man when they do.”

But Chambers doesn’t mention the issue in his response to Tom. “Well,” says Chambers, “we can live how we choose. I see very little despair in ex-gays. What John Evans says has not been my experience. Next question?”

Josh raises his hand and asks for more specifics in terms of the methods and techniques Exodus uses to help strugglers.

“We’ve got over 130 member ministries, and all of them are different,” Chambers explains. “We don’t endorse shock therapy or aversion therapy. Our most important thing is not that people change their sexual orientation, but that they change their relationship with Jesus Christ.” Adjusting his yarmulke, Josh looks somewhat puzzled, but Chambers quickly moves on to another question, this time from a woman who wants to know about expectations for those who are struggling with homosexuality.

“You can expect a life of struggle with sin, but you can also expect joy incomparable,” advises Chambers, adding that even his worst day in heterosexual life is still better than his best day in the gay community.

The symbolism of suffrage, of an existence driven by struggle against temptation, isn’t lost on religious members of the audience, but to others, such language seems hypocritical. “I have a problem with the term ‘struggle,’” says Wayne Besen, a gay rights activist and author of Anything But Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth. “That’s a false term when it comes to the ex-gay ministries, because a struggle suggests that you have a chance to win. If you don’t, it’s not a struggle. It’s a slaughter.” Besen, who spent years documenting the ex-gay movement by interviewing ministry leaders and attending ex-gay groups undercover, claims that for most people who get involved in reparative therapy, trying to change their sexual orientation is fruitless. “In six months, these people are going to be just as gay as the day they walked in the door,” he says. “What struggle? I have never seen a struggle, I’ve just seen misery.”

But Chambers is focused on hope. He turns the question on the audience, asking what they hope for. The answers spill forth: Freedom for my children. The joy you talked about. The right answers. The compassion to understand. That God will take over the heart of anyone who just wants to get homosexuality out. To feel about girls the way I feel about guys.

This isn’t just about God, or Biblical interpretation, or converting people to Christianity, or impressionable youth, or the culture wars, or the political agenda of the religious right, though all are reasons why the ex-gay movement has recently experienced a drastic increase in size and scope. It’s about people knee-deep in emotional pain. But the key players in the ex-gay movement have their eye on a much bigger bounty: the establishment of a Christian nation.

 

Strange Shore

Best of In The Fray 2007. African refugees on Chicago’s North Side.

We have all heard stories about war, displaced people, and refugees throughout the world. As outsiders it is easy to think that once these people have been removed from immediate harm, all their problems are solved.

Tucked away on Chicago’s far north side amid university students and professors lies a growing community of African refugees. The new residents hail from all of Africa’s war-torn corners and struggle to make new and better lives in a foreign city.

The Mambo family of Burundi is representative of this growing community. Asiya Mambo, and her children, Aline, 14, Bea, 14, Vote, 5, and Lelia, 2, came to the United States in September 2005 because of the Hutu-Tutsi conflict in Burundi. Asiya’s husband is still in the camps looking for a way to come to the United States.

Asyia and her family traveled for five years among refugee camps throughout Africa and ended up in Mozambique. Originally from Burundi, her two nieces, Aline and Bea, 14, now speak five different languages because of their constant moving. Each member of Asiya’s family faces different challenges in their new lives in Chicago — from building a new social circle, to adjusting to a new school system, to finding a job. These images attempt to show the rebuilding of a shattered existence.

[ Click here to enter the visual essay ]

 

Bad Eyewear Can Mark a Child

Best of In The Fray 2007. How I learned to be sneaky and failed.

I was prescribed glasses fairly early on — after my vision had become suspect when I began walking into walls and stepping on Muffin, our aging Lhasa Apso. In 1979, on my fourth birthday, my father tried to take a picture of me in my Little Orphan Annie dress, but as he called my name, I could only look around with a blind and aimless gaze. In a flurry of despair, I was rushed out onto the porch, where I promptly failed a set of amateur sight tests administered by my mother. This failure sealed my fate of bespectacled childhood.

Now, those were the days of spartan provisions in the field of eyewear, before the time when designers manufactured children’s accessories to mimic their fashionable adult lines. Options were limited. The children’s section at the optometrist’s office consisted of 11 inches of shelf behind the counter with one or two horrific styles in your choice of mousy brown or black. They flattered no one. Constantly reminded of this fact by my sensitive classmates, I would remove the culprits the first chance I got, which was always during my walk to school. My glasses were octagonal, a sort of stop sign design that was mildly popular in the late 1970s. Though I detested these glasses, I knew they were expensive, so every morning I would gently slip them into my backpack like a pair of endangered cockroaches. I praised myself for my cunning and my mature considerations of value. On my return walk home, I would delicately pull the glasses out again, confident I had fooled everyone into believing I had 20/20 vision.

I couldn’t see the board. For nearly three years, my mother attended parent-teacher conferences where she was scolded for failing to provide her daughter with corrective lenses. My mother would argue. My teachers would sigh. My mother would return from school, confused and frustrated, and find me sitting six inches in front of the television. In a weary voice she would ask me, “You’re not wearing your glasses at school, are you? Don’t you know you’re ruining your vision? Do you want to go blind?” I would be irritated by the distraction and only unglue my eyes from the screen long enough to toss a few languid apologies in her direction. After quickly confirming that nothing of great import was happening on The Love Boat, I would then add a few tears for effect in the hopes of finalizing the discussion. I knew my mother wouldn’t understand the sublime genius of my scheme or realize I had sacrificed my precious vision to save myself from endless social torment. Undaunted, she would position me in front of a mirror and say things to my reflection like, “This is the person you really should be saying sorry to. Right here. In this mirror.” I would sniffle in agreement and nod ferociously at our looking-glass counterparts, but I wasn’t really sorry. My only remorse came from missing what happened to Isaac and Gopher in Puerta Vallarta and having to suffer through my mother’s amateur child psychology tactics.

For second grade I was assigned to Mrs. Rizzo’s class. I remember it as a hazy year, mainly because I couldn’t see anything, but it was compounded by Mrs. Rizzo’s maternity leave. Her absence made her seem mysterious, like a distant uncle who died of snakebite. In her place during those months was Miss Savage, a youngish spinster with radical ideas and enormous smoke-colored glasses. The dark lenses must have hampered her vision, because she compulsively followed each line of text across the page with her finger whenever she read. Although I did like her for letting us chew gum, the finger-reading made me somewhat suspicious of her.

One wintry morning, after watching me squint and stall and crane my neck in my third attempt at reading the day’s assignments on the blackboard, Miss Savage spoke in an uncharacteristically commanding tone. “Why don’t you go and get your glasses?” she said, more a demand than a query. “But I don’t wear glasses,” I heard myself begin to whine when she interrupted me with a voice that was louder than her rhinestone-studded eyewear: “I know they’re in your bag.”

I knew at once I was defeated. It was the end of an era, and nearsighted as I was, I had grown to enjoy my time in the fuzzy world of neck-thrusters and squinters. I pushed my tiny chair away from my desk and trudged back to the coat closet, slowly, guiltily, like a criminal approaching the guillotine. My pink unicorn sweater felt hot from shame and the burning eyes of my classmates who had all turned to watch me slink to the back. I reached into my matching unicorn backpack, fumbled around for my glasses, and pulled them out. The class was silent and time stood still.

I don’t recall the walk back to my desk. Like a dream, the next thing I am aware of is sitting down, bent in half, cowering. I am wearing my glasses, those hideous harbingers of sight, and am mortified, unable to lift my head. Everyone has crowded around, and I can feel 26 pairs of naked eyes peeking at me over the desk. Seated on my left, Miss Savage lays one hand on my shoulder and uses the other to adjust her monster-sized super glasses. I hear her sigh with the effort. She clears her throat and announces to the class that I have something to share. The newfound perkiness in her voice, indicating she would no longer be alone in her goggled freakishness, makes me skeptical. Feet shuffle in anticipation as I quietly wonder how life will be different for me now.

I look up. I am greeted by faces I do not recognize, though the voices are familiar. The strange heads stare at me for a moment, then, unimpressed and bored, their bodies sit back down. Exhausted, I tentatively lean back in my chair.

I do not see the future and the mockery I will eventually endure: the flat-chested jokes, the lesbian taunts, the geek jeers. Those will come later and will be just as anxious.

For now, I see the present clearly and breathe. Looking back at me, Miss Savage begins the lesson.

 

Facing Family, Facing Ghosts (Best of In The Fray 2006)

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In the United States and many parts of the world, December is marked by a quest for bigger and better things—gifts, bonuses, food, celebrations, decorations, vacations, even donations. Here at In The Fray we indulge by commemorating our readers’ favorite stories of 2006—all tales of ghosts, family, and image obsession.

We begin by Grappling with Ghosts, but not the kind found in a Dickens novel. These ghosts, writes Courtney Traub, are the stuff of post-colonialism, of a France brought before a mirror to confront its scarred past. Meanwhile, Penny Newbury looks at some of colonialism’s other ghosts, those of East Timor, a former Portuguese and later Indonesian colony. In An Occupation, Newbury takes us to the country’s capitol, Dili, which remains haunted by its 1999 independence referendum.

Back in the United States, the Republican Party may be haunted by Valerie Burgher’s criticism of their crackdown on sins of the flesh at the cost of the Bible’s other six sins. And with the temperature dropping, New Yorkers are sure to be haunted by A Long Walk to Work, ITF Board of Directors member Dustin Ross’s photo essay capturing the toll of last year’s transit strike on a city and its people.

From the ghosts of colonialism, politics, and transit we turn to the ghosts and goblins of family. In her review of Devyani Saltzman’s Shooting Water, former In The Fray travel editor Anju Mary Paul explores how the decisions we make as children haunt our adult relationships—and discovers room for reconciliation.

In Love without Grammar—one of the two winners of the Best of INTERACT—ITF travel editor Michelle Caswell returns to her childhood home, where she finds love in every artifact and garden gnome. And in Arrange Me, Arrange Me Not—readers’ other favorite INTERACT essay—Meera Subramanian travels to India to assess her ancestors’ tradition of choosing their children’s spouses.

Rounding out this year’s favorites are two pieces about surface-level appearances: Kimberlee Soo’s look at how an aspiring Covergirl mimics her older sister, only to discover that her elder’s life isn’t as perfect as it appears; and Secret Asian Man’s insight into How to Make the Chinese New Year Appeal to Americans.

Speaking of seducing people with images, In The Fray will be launching a new, more user-friendly design on January 1. Not only will our new virtual home be more pleasing to your eyes; it will cater to all of you activists and networkers.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to vote for this year’s best stories—and to those who wrote and edited them. We look forward to ringing in the New Year—and our new site—with you.

Laura Nathan
Editor
Buffalo, New York

 

Holding On and Letting Go (Best of In The Fray 2005)

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With an aura of newness infiltrating the streets as we embark on 2006, it’s all too easy to plunge headfirst into the new year without looking back. But as we here at In The Fray have learned, letting go requires holding onto vestiges of our past; progress demands retrospection.

Perhaps it’s no coincidence, then, that our readers and editors became a bit nostalgic when we asked them to select their favorite ITF stories of 2005 this past December. Their selections, featured in this issue of ITF, reflect on holding on and letting go—and set the bar for the editorial excellence and innovation we strive to continue as our magazine embarks on its fifth year.

We begin with the Vanishing Heritage series, Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer John Kaplan’s three vibrant photo essays documenting the indigenous cultures of rapidly dwindling ethnic minorities in China, Bolivia, and Thailand. Halfway around the world, Penny Newbury, in her essay Ña Manu, returns to Fuerte Olimpo, Paraguay, only to discover that despite her three years there, she still doesn’t quite understand the place she called home.

Taking their own somber journeys of sorts, columnist Afi Scruggs uses the recent trial of Edgar Ray Killen to gauge how far we still have to go before our country overcomes a shameful history of racist violence in Mississippi Learning, while Katharine Tillman disrobes one young runaway’s so-called Land of Enchantment in her tale of a woman seeking to flee a dying relationship for a better life.

Speaking of the quest for a brighter future, contributing writer Emily Alpert investigates the struggles faced by transgendered and transsexual prisoners in California and surveys the prospects for combatting their double-marginalization in Gender Outlaws. Meanwhile, guest columnist S. Wright explores how the battle for gay marriage may adversely impact another class of sexual minorities—gays and lesbians of color—in the long-run.

And in Always Know Your Place literary editor Laura Madeline Wiseman explores the divergent ways Irene Kai and three generations of her female ancestors challenged and succumbed to female cultural expectations in Kai’s memoir The Golden Mountain. Offering another perspective on generational gaps, Rhian Kohashi O’Rourke reflects on her aging grandfather, a World War II veteran, as she grapples with keeping his memory alive even as it fades from his mind in Tofu and Toast, voted the Best of INTERACT … so far this past fall.

Rounding out this month’s collection of oldies but goodies are two large doses of humor from ITF’s resident cartoonists. The Boiling Point offers you The Super-Duper Quick and Easy Guide to Not Becoming a Terror Suspect for all those worried about being classified as a terrorist in this brave new world, while Secret Asian Man reminds you which people qualify as The Default Race.

The excellent stories we featured in 2005 were made possible in no small part by our ability to pay many writers a modest honorarium. Because we are an almost entirely donor-supported publication, we need your help to continue publishing pieces from the margins, journalism with depth and heart that you won’t find in the mainstream press. If you have enjoyed what we’ve published this past year—and I hope you have—please consider making a donation to ITF so we can continue to pay our writers and bring you more groundbreaking content.

We hope you enjoyed reading ITF in 2005 as much as we enjoyed producing it. Happy New Year!

Laura Nathan
Editor
Buffalo, New York

Coming in February: our “defying gravity” issue.

 

50 issues later …

ITF Post-It

The original Post-It note of ideas for naming the website that would become InTheFray.

This is InTheFray’s 50th issue. As the co-founder of the magazine and its first editor, I have seen the magazine grow over the last four years, with highs and lows along the way. Many times I asked myself why I continued to volunteer for this project — or why anyone else would.

As I see it, InTheFray has never been about selling products, spreading a brand, winning awards, amassing influence, or bringing any politician to power. We haven’t made any money off the Internet. The staff is all-volunteer. I’m sure we could find more entertaining ways to spend our weekends than proofreading articles, writing photo captions, and collating grant proposals. And yet we continue to do it. Many of us have even dipped into our own pockets to keep this project afloat.

For the scores of writers, photographers, artists, editors, and businesspeople who have worked on this project since we started publishing in April 2001, InTheFray has truly been a labor of love.

To be honest, at times it has felt more like labor than love for me. You could call it a kind of perpetual pregnancy (if I can venture to imagine such a thing), necessitating frequent back massages and pints of Ben & Jerry’s from an angelic spouse, culminating in our monthly bundle of journalistic joy, who looks like perfection in my eyes until I notice that little typo under her chin or that extra bill hidden in her crib …

But whenever I get frustrated with my work, there are two things that bring me back, again and again, to this magazine. One is my belief in InTheFray’s mission. The breadth and the ambition of our efforts have grown over the years (as you can see this month’s anthology of greatest ITF articles), but the objective has remained the same: to help people better understand one another.

Today, in these precarious times — with war and disaster ever in the headlines, and poverty and inequality ever in the shadows — that mission is arguably more important than when we started this magazine. It may, in fact, become the defining struggle of our generation: how to live in peace in a world of fewer borders and greater risks, growing freedom and thornier ethics, expanding cultures and shrinking resources.

I hope that InTheFray has contributed something to this important debate. I hope that we have touched readers with our words and images, challenged their prejudices and assumptions, and made them think hard about the way they live their lives. I hope that we will continue to enlighten, provoke, and inspire people in the years to come.

The other thing about InTheFray that continues to inspire me is its people. I co-founded this magazine four years ago with the help of many friends, and along the way I have met many more. I want to thank all the staff members who have given so generously of their time and talents, especially the veterans who have stood behind the magazine from the beginning. I have never met a group more curious about the world or less egotistical about their work. They are truly the embodiment of the principles our magazine stands for, and I feel blessed to know them.

The lesson I have learned after four years and 50 issues is that these small things in life matter. How we treat each other — on the street, at home, in cyberspace, on a volunteer staff — matters. The respect we show, the kindness we express, matters. We each have the power to overcome ignorance. We each have the strength to stand against injustice, to teach compassion, to reach out to another human being. InTheFray is just a vessel for this message. What we do in our ordinary, everyday lives — this makes all the difference.

Victor Tan Chen
Co-Founder and President
New York

THE BEST OF InTheFray (SO FAR)

To commemorate ITF’s 50th issue, we’ve republished many old favorites, like ITF Editor Laura Nathan’s interview with director Shola Lynch, my interview with Vandana Shiva, PULSE Columnist Laura Louison’s interview with Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative journalist David Shipler, and some of ITF’s best columns and cartoons to-date, all of which our readers and editors selected as the &lrdquo;Best of ITF … so far.”

We also asked the writers of your favorite stories from each channel to reflect back on what inspired them and have included their personal musings, along with a link to their winning pieces. Here are the winners:

  • Richard Martin for his poem “Gay Lit,” which won hearts by taking on the perspective of a gay prison inmate.
  • Rhian Kohashi O’Rourke for her remembrance of her grandfather in “Tofu and Toast.”
  • Russell Cobb for investigating the dirty work left to immigrants on Mississippi chicken farms in “The chicken hangers.”
  • Laura Nathan for exploring Jewish heritage in her review “Strangers in a strange land.”
  • Andrew Blackwell for following love to Colombia in “Fear(less) in Bogotá.”
  • and John Kaplan for his photo essay “Life after torture.”

    As we prepare to embark on a new year — one we hope will be far less tumultuous than the last — we also bring you a few new stories, including Gergana Koleva’s story of her own kidnapping in Haiti, Erin Cassin’s exploration of how Hurricane Wilma brought her closer to her Cancún neighbors, and Annette Marie Hyder’s prose poem inspired by Pakistani woman Mukhtar Mai’s battle against her village’s tradition of retributive rape. On Monday, December 12, we will feature part three of Pulitzer Prize-winning photographer John Kaplan’s “Vanishing heritage.”

    We also bring you three new book reviews: Michelle Caswell on Bakari Kitwana’s non-fiction book Why White Kids Love Hip-Hop, David Holtzman on Ernesto Quiñonez’s novel, Chango’s Fire, and Nicole Pezold on Zadie Smith’s On Beauty.

    Thanks for reading — and sticking with us through the ups and downs of the first 50 issues!

    Coming next month: The Best of ITF 2005. Please help us select the winning stories by taking two minutes to vote for your favorite stories of 2005!

  • Victor Tan Chen is In The Fray's editor in chief and the author of Cut Loose: Jobless and Hopeless in an Unfair Economy. Site: victortanchen.com | Facebook | Twitter: @victortanchen

    Tanya Smith experienced sexual harassment and medical neglect while incarcerated in California prisons.

    Gender Outlaws

    Best of In The Fray 2005. Transgender prisoners face discrimination, harassment, and abuse above and beyond that of the traditional male and female prison population.

    Tanya Smith, former prisoner
    Tanya Smith experienced sexual harassment and medical neglect while incarcerated in California prisons.

    In Idaho, inmate Linda Patricia Thompson wanted a transfer to a women’s prison. A male-to-female transgender woman, or MTF, she had been living as a woman for several years, had changed her name legally, and was taking black-market estrogen when she could. Thompson had never been able to afford sex reassignment surgery, nor could she obtain hormones legally: the signatures of two physicians and a psychiatrist were required, and she couldn’t afford the visits. Still, Thompson was assertively feminine, even in handcuffs. At the time of her arrest, she wore a dress and high heels.

    But prison officials refused to transfer Thompson or to provide her with estrogen. Inmates are housed on the basis of genitalia, they told her, and in their eyes she was incontestably male. So Thompson took matters into her own hands — literally. In two separate incidents, she amputated her own male genitalia, nearly bleeding to death in the process.

    “I thought she had to be nuts,” recalls attorney Bruce Bistline, who handled Thompson’s case. “But apparently that sort of self-mutilation is not extraordinary in the transgender prison population. The level of desperation is just that high.”

    “I’ve been raped, physically beaten, extorted, pimped out/sold, intimidated, manipulated, threatened, humiliated, [and] harassed by both officers and inmates,” writes transgender prisoner Meagan Calvillo of her experiences in various California prisons since 1999. Calvillo’s description is not unusual. Outside of prison, transgender people are among the most marginalized in the United States; inside it, they confound a system that’s ill-prepared to serve them, or even to decide where to put them.

    “There’s no real legal standard” for determining the placement of transgender prisoners, says Chris Daly, director of the Transgender Law Center in San Francisco. At present, most California prisoners are assigned to male or female prisons on the basis of their genitalia, the same method applied by most states. “There’s a state-level mandate that prisons be segregated by sex, which they’ve interpreted to mean genitalia. Every prison we know of has interpreted it the same way.” As a result, transgender people who choose not to undergo sex reassignment surgery — or lack the means to do so — are housed with people of their birth gender.

    “For instance,” says Daly, “someone who’s male-to-female, if she hasn’t had surgery or hasn’t been able to access it yet, will be housed with men — regardless of how long she’s lived as a woman, or what her gender presentation is like.”

    One such person is Dee Farmer, an MTF whose landmark 1994 Supreme Court case, Farmer v. Brennan, found that prison authorities are liable for “deliberate indifference” to inmates’ safety, including situations of likely sexual assault. Farmer brought the suit in 1990 after she was brutally raped and beaten by another inmate in an Indiana prison. The assault occurred two weeks after she was placed in the general male population, despite her breast implants and longtime use of estrogen.

    When housed with male prisoners, MTFs rapidly become the targets of sexual assault, as Farmer’s case illustrates. Some, like Farmer, have developed breasts from surgery or years of estrogen treatment. Others, though male in appearance, are immediately relegated to the bottom of prison’s social hierarchies by virtue of their feminine self-presentation.

    As for female-to-male transgender people, “while they don’t face the same type of violence [from fellow prisoners], they face a lot of oppression on the part of guards,” explains Judy Greenspan, cofounder of the Trans/Gender Variant in Prison Committee (TIP). “When they’re strip-searched, many FTMs who have had their breasts removed or take hormones are put on display. It’s psychological brutality … They’re demonized.”

    Everyday humiliations for both MTFs and FTMs include verbal harassment, frivolous strip searches, and gender-stereotypic “grooming standards,” which set requirements for men and women’s hair length, facial hair, and use of cosmetics. “Prison guards refuse to call them by their chosen names or use their correct pronouns,” says Greenspan, exasperated. “They look at trans- and gender-variant prisoners as deviant.”

    Attorney Alex Lee
    Attorney Alex Lee directs the Transgender, Gender Variant, and Intersex Justice Project, based in Oakland, California.

    Protective custody for so-called vulnerable inmates, including those who are HIV positive, offers a modicum of safety to transgender prisoners — at least from assaults by other inmates. Another, more common option is to confine transgender prisoners individually, in what is known as administrative segregation.

    “It’s pretty much standard throughout California — except for San Francisco — that housing tends to be separate” for transgender prisoners, explains James Austin, a physician affiliated with the Sacramento Sheriff’s Department. “So most of the facilities are single cells. We don’t have any ability to accommodate them otherwise.”

    However, when assaults come from prison guards, as they frequently do, administrative housing isn’t safe, either, and may even be worse. Many individual confinement pens are intended for short-term punitive stays, or for highly aggressive, violent prisoners.

    “Administrative segregation is basically punishment,” explains attorney Alex Lee, director of the Transgender, Gender Variant, and Intersex Justice Project (TGIJP). “In prison, people call it the jail. It’s much more restrictive, and a lot of trans folks in prison get put there … simply because the prisons don’t know how to take care of them, and they’d rather err on the side of being more restrictive than not.”

    In 2004, a Wyoming judge ruled that prison officials violated the constitutional rights of Miki Ann Dimarco, a person with an intersex condition, by placing her in an isolated high-security lockup for over a year. At the time of her conviction for check fraud, Dimarco was placed at the Wyoming Women’s Center: an unintentionally appropriate choice. Born with genitalia that might either be classified as a microphallus or an enlarged clitoris, Dimarco identifies and lives publicly as a woman.

    However, when medical staff saw Dimarco’s genitalia, flustered officials decided to hold her in complete isolation in the prison’s maximum-security wing. Though a prison evaluation placed Dimarco at the lowest possible risk level, and doctors concluded she posed no sexual threat (she was “not sexually functional as a male,” according to staff), she was subjected to the same living conditions and restrictions as the Center’s most dangerous prisoners.

    Administrative segregation “may ostensibly be a safer place,” Lee remarks, but “where are they going to put you to be away from the guards?” Many of Lee’s own clients won’t report abuse from other prisoners for fear of being placed in isolation. Or, as in the case of Tanya Smith, they’ll endure abuse to avoid it.

    In 1995, when Tanya Smith was first incarcerated, she was immediately isolated as “a threat to the safety of the jail population, as a transgender,” she recalls.  Smith is a tall African American transwoman with warm, dark eyes and a dainty silver nose ring. Recalling isolation, she purses her lips. “I couldn’t access any visitors. The mental health ward would not come see me at all.” Smith suffers from borderline personality disorder and requires a steady hormonal regimen. After six months, she was finally released to the general men’s population, a situation she found far preferable to isolation, which she refers to as “the hole.”

    Three years later, when Smith returned to prison, a prison guard came on to her, saying “‘Ooh, you’re a real woman. Do you fuck?’” Smith says she sometimes stripped for officers to get medical attention, but this guard wanted more. “He threatened that I’d go back to the hole if I didn’t have sex with him — or oral copulation.” In exchange for sex, claims Smith, the guard kept her out of administrative segregation, protected her from other prisoners, and provided her with food, medicine, and clothing, even alcohol and drugs. When asked how she felt about the officer, Smith merely shrugs. “It was a way of survival,” she says simply. “Why complain when I’d get thrown into the hole?”

    In California, the most notorious isolation facilities are known as Security Housing Units, or SHUs. Antoine Mahan is a board member of California Prison Focus, which opposes the use of SHUs. He is also a former prisoner who spent two years in a SHU at Corcoran State Prison. Mahan’s rounded face is both feminine and masculine at once: he wears his hair long, and favors women’s blouses and headbands. “People think I’ve taken hormones,” he divulges, “but I never have. That’s just my androgynous features.” He identifies as an African American gay male cross-dresser, but in prison, he says, “I was seen as transgender.”

    Homeless, drug-addicted, and HIV positive, Mahan ricocheted between prison and the street from 1991 to 1997. Like Smith, he was approached by officers and prisoners for sex, regardless of his HIV status. Some assailants may have been HIV positive already; others may have wanted oral sex, which has a relatively low transmission rate.  At a reception center for HIV-positive inmates, an officer began courting Mahan with food and gifts, hinting that he wanted sexual favors. Later, at the California Men’s Colony (CMC), Mahan says, “I had a lot of guys getting at me, and a lot of officers harassing me sexually. I was what they call in prison terms ‘fresh booty.’”

    But the SHU, says Mahan, was far worse. In 1997, following a scuffle with another CMC prisoner, Mahan was transferred to Corcoran State Prison, one of the few California prisons equipped with an SHU. There, he says, “I went through more hell than I’ve ever been through in my life.” Mahan describes the SHU as “a nine-by-five cell — nine by five by six, that’s the length, the width and the height. It was a box. No ventilation whatsoever.” According to California Prison Focus, SHU prisoners spend at least twenty-three hours a day in their cells, have no phone access, compromised medical care, and no work training or educational programs.

    It is unclear whether transgender prisoners are routinely assigned to California’s few SHUs, but California Prison Focus alleges that inmates accused of gang affiliation are regularly assigned there, regardless of their behavior, in a “draconian” effort to wipe out gangs. If transgender prisoners are perceived as making trouble — or provoking it — a similar rationale might apply.

    “There were a lot of queens in jail,” Mahan mentions offhandedly. Transgender and gender-variant people, as a population, are incarcerated at even higher rates than the general population of African American men, although the majority of those incarcerated are also people of color. In San Francisco, a 1997 study conducted by the city’s Department of Public Health found that 67 percent of MTF respondents and 30 percent of FTM respondents had a history of incarceration. Almost a third of MTF respondents had been jailed in the past year. The numbers are staggering: among U.S. adults, only 3 percent are or have been incarcerated. Overall, “unless they’re rich, [most transgender people have] spent a little time in jail,” says Judy Greenspan.

    TIP volunteer Nedjula Baguio, an MTF, offers one explanation: employment discrimination. Trans people are at a disadvantage in today’s service economy, she says, regardless of whether they can “pass.” Trans people who pass are more easily recognized as their presented gender: they may have taken hormones for many years or opted for breast implants or removal. Those who don’t pass are less easily categorized. Some are mid-transition, some lack the funds for hormones or surgery, and others feel at home between — or across, or beyond — the categories of male and female.

    “I don’t think I ever pass,” says Baguio, despite her lean figure and softly curving mouth; she recalls a tense stop at a rural diner while en route to Vacaville, and winces. Her light skin is patterned with evocative tattoos: a heart being sewn up, a marionette cut from its strings.

    Trans people who don’t pass “freak people out,” Baguio says simply, and in a service economy, that’s fatal. “Most people don’t want to have anything to do with you as a potential employee, for all the obvious reasons. Your gender presentation is going to be perceived as ‘freakish,’ and nobody will want to deal with you, period. You’re seen as interfering with moneymaking.”

    Smith agrees. Drug-free and out of prison, her job search hasn’t been easy, as a former inmate or as a transwoman. “There’s not a lot of people willing to hire us,” she complains.

    But finding work is no picnic for trans people who pass, reports Baguio. When supplying references or a work history for employers, they face another dilemma. If a prospective boss calls a former employer and asks about Susan — only to hear all about Sean — their reaction may not be charitable.

    Consequently, a disproportionate number of trans people engage in sex work. Many turn to drugs to cope with the degradation they experience as transgender people and as sex workers, and are eventually incarcerated for prostitution or drug-related offenses — what Lee calls “survival crimes.” Others develop mental illness, another risk factor for landing in jail. Because employment discrimination, arrests, and sentencing patterns fall hardest on low-income people — predominantly people of color — transwomen of color are the majority of the trans prison population.

    “It affects queer and transgender people across the board,” explains Baguio, “but for those communities [low-income people and people of color], you’re dealing with a double whammy.” Baguio offers her own experience as a multiracial transwoman for contrast. “I’m perceived as lighter-skinned. I’m not targeted a lot. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of hip artists; I’m not living in Lincoln, Nebraska. I have a job where they’ve been accepting of my transition, and it’s not an issue. I make a decent wage and have been able to spend a fair amount of money on my transition, including electrolysis, health care, and access to hormones.”

    Baguio also transitioned after college, insulating her from the hazards of the service economy. She hasn’t needed to engage in sex work, and hasn’t been exposed to its attendant health risks.

    Dr. Lori Kohler is the founder of California’s only health clinic for trans prisoners, located at the California Medical Facility in Vacaville. The dominant health issue among trans prisoners, she reports, is HIV/AIDS. “Anywhere from 60 to 80 percent [of transfeminine prisoners] at any given time are HIV infected,” she says. “And many are also Hep-C infected. The next greatest problem is addiction.”

    Most of the prisoners Kohler sees are transwomen of color, incarcerated for nonviolent offenses related to drugs or sex work. Like Baguio, she cites the cycle of unemployment, sex work, and drug addiction. “These are not women that are working to pay for their drugs — these are women who are working for their lives, and end up using drugs to tolerate the life they’re forced into.”

    Kohler has been working with transgender patients since 1994, when she took a job at the recently founded Transgender Clinic of the Tom Waddell Health Center in San Francisco. In 1999, the chief medical officer of the Vacaville facility approached Kohler and asked her to establish a clinic for the prison’s trans inmates. At the time of the clinic’s founding, the chief medical officer estimated that Kohler would be serving a total population of ten to fifteen patients. Six years later, Kohler says she’s seen roughly 3,000 unduplicated patients, and that there are about sixty trans prisoners at CMF at any given time.

    Kohler says that her exposure to trans health issues is unusual among health professionals. “Care of trans people is not something that most medical people understand,” she says, and sighs. This ignorance is manifested most clearly, she says, in the issue of cross-gender hormone provision.

    “As far as I know of, CMF and now CMC [California Men’s Colony] are the only two prisons in the country that actually have a physician who’s dedicated to providing good care, including cross-hormone therapies,” says Kohler. “In all other California prisons, access to cross-gender hormones is not guaranteed. It’s sporadic and inconsistent, and only given to very few people.”

    In 2003, a U.S. District Court in Boston ruled that transgender prisoner Michelle Kosilek was entitled to hormone therapy; in the same year, New Hampshire ruled in favor of similar claims by state prisoner Lisa Barrett. Courts have generally recognized the responsibility of prisons to continue hormone treatment and psychological therapy, in compliance with the Eighth Amendment’s prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, which courts have interpreted to include the deliberate withholding of medical treatment.

    However, prisons have often been reluctant to provide hormone therapy if inmates do not have an existing prescription. Because low-income transwomen of color usually acquire hormones through the black market, few can furnish legal prescriptions.

    As a result, explains Kohler, “most transwomen who are incarcerated end up being taken off of their hormones unless they can get a court order — they have to use the legal system to have access to their appropriate medical care.”  And in other states, she adds, “it’s virtually impossible for them even to get a court order to access care.”  Side effects of hormone deprivation can include depression, heart problems, and irregular blood pressure.

    Undeterred, Kohler prescribes cross-gender hormones to any trans-identified prisoner: a renegade position among prison medical staff, who routinely ignore her prescriptions. “I’d say about half the medical staff will refill my medical orders if I’m not around, and the other half will not recognize my recommendations,” she says. “But I don’t think that’s any different than the medical community outside the prisons.”

    Photos of female and trans prisoners
    Photos of female and trans prisoners cover the walls of Lee’s Oakland office.

    After her life-threatening self-mutilation and the lawsuit that followed, Linda Thompson was eventually transferred to Kohler’s Vacaville facility in California. She was also granted a cash settlement contingent upon a confidentiality agreement about the suit. However, Bruce Bistline’s cocounsel, Lea Cooper, says that Thompson chose to violate the terms of the settlement agreement, foregoing most of the settlement money.

    “Linda decided that she wanted to get the word out,” says Cooper. “That meant more than money to her.”

    In California prisons, Thompson was finally able to access estrogen. Because her genitalia are not readily identifiable as female or male (something of a conundrum for prison assignment), she was housed in a small facility with other transwomen and gay men. After her release, Thompson sought jobs in Oregon, Wyoming, Los Angeles, and Washington, but couldn’t find paid work — not even sex work.

    “She said she was too masculine to turn tricks,” Cooper explains. Eventually, at a loss for what to do next, Thompson got arrested for stealing copper wire from a construction site. “She told the judge she did it [got arrested] on purpose, because she didn’t have any more options,” Cooper says. Thompson is currently incarcerated at the Monroe Correctional Center in Monroe, Washington; on the basis of her birth genitalia, she has been housed in the men’s facility. As Cooper describes it, “Linda jokes, ‘What do I have to do, start menstruating to be considered a woman?’”

    Though both do work that benefits trans prisoners, neither prisoners’ rights groups nor transgender advocates have specifically taken up their cause. “Transgender issues are not on the radar screen of most prisoners’ rights groups,” says Judy Greenspan, “and the transgender movement may not be prioritizing prisoners’ issues because they’re involved in trans survival and support services on the street.”

    The Trans/Gender Variant in Prison Committee, cofounded by Greenspan, and the Transgender, Gender Variant, and Intersex Justice Project, founded by Alex Lee, are two notable exceptions. Greenspan identifies as a gender-variant white woman: biologically female, she doesn’t conform to societal expectations of female behavior or appearance. She wears men’s clothing, cuts her hair short, and is occasionally taken for a man. For twenty years, Greenspan has worked with transgender prisoners, including Dee Farmer of Farmer v. Brennan. Lee is an FTM Asian American attorney who became interested in prison issues during law school and sought to connect them to transgender advocacy.

    Lee believes the void in advocacy results from mainstream queer organizations’ “assimilationist politics … They want to pretend that we are all law-abiding citizens, that we’re perfect angels who want to be just like ‘normal’ straight people.” In doing so, he says, such groups jettison trans prisoners, who are predominantly low-income people of color.

    Both TIP and TGIJP advocate for trans prisoners who are currently incarcerated, but Lee says that the long-term change needs to happen “before people go to prisons.” As Greenspan explains, “prison mirrors what’s going on in the outside, so-called free world. There are really no rights in the community, unless you’re living in San Francisco.”

    But even in San Francisco County Jail, reports Tanya Smith, trans people are reviled. “You’d think the officers out here would think outside the box, in this liberal city, but they don’t. It’s horrible.”

    In light of this reality, Linda Thompson’s choice to be rearrested makes sense, despite the harassment she continues to face as a prisoner. For many trans people, all the world’s a prison — on both sides of the bars.

    UPDATE, 3/8/13: Edited and moved story from our old site to the current one.

     

    Vanishing Heritage: Bolivia

    Best of In The Fray 2005. Photographing rural ethnic minorities in China, Bolivia, and Thailand before it is too late. Part two of a three-part series.

    Click here to enter the photo essay.

    Three nations on opposite sides of the globe are linked by indigenous culture and the threat of industrialization on its preservation.

    In China, Tibetans have for decades struggled to regain their freedom. But now, for the first time, Tibet’s people are becoming a minority in their own homeland as their culture is quickly evaporating into the Chinese landscape. To many there, political freedom is no longer a realistic quest but the freedom to preserve a centuries-old cultural heritage remains in question.

    In Bolivia, the autonomy of more than 300 minority ethnic groups is threatened by the rapid modernization of Bolivian society. Tibetans and the people of Bolivia’s largest minority community, the Aymara, share a striking physical resemblance; some anthropologists claim that an ancient migration across the continents may in fact connect the cultures by blood. I photographed at elevations ranging from 11,000 to 17,000 feet in each country while seeking to compare and contrast two cultures sharing common bonds.

    In Thailand, the society of the Akha minority group is now losing its cultural identity. As electricity comes to each village, in turn, its inhabitants begin to realize the homogenized and idealized life portrayed on satellite television. The young often choose to leave the simple village life behind, in search of work and the other lures of city life.

    As each culture rapidly modernizes, its cities swell with rural peoples, many of them ethnic minorities seeking economic opportunity. On the surface, life in the countryside remains largely unchanged. However, the autonomy of ethnic peoples, such as the Ani and Tumu in China, and the Quechua in Bolivia, becomes endangered as community members leave traditions behind and migrate to urban areas.

    In 2004, I had the opportunity to witness rural life in mountainous regions of Tibet, southwestern China and Bolivia.  Each country is undergoing dramatic change. Rather than photograph such transition, I decided to try to do my small part to document the traditions of country life.

    I believe that it is of significant importance to document the traditions of indigenous cultures that are rapidly fading throughout the world. As a documentary photographer, it is my goal to document such traditions before they disappear and it is my hope that viewers may consider assisting in their preservation.

    Part 1: China

    Part 3: Thailand

    For information on obtaining prints from the Vanishing Heritage series, please contact John Kaplan at kaplan@writeme.com.

     

    Land of Enchantment

    Best of In The Fray 2005. A relationship withers under the New Mexico sun.

    Though they’re advertised on license plates, billboards, and in roadside souvenir shops, I managed to overlook my first three New Mexico sunsets. My boyfriend kissed me under the fourth one. So, I do have something nice to say to my grandchildren about the time I dropped out of school and hitchhiked across the country. New Mexico sunsets are really pretty.

    Also, there are plateaus. I grew up in a town where the ground was flat and I learned what the world outside was supposed to look like from a diagram that crammed every possible geological feature into one neatly-labeled color-coded box. River, hill, plain, valley, delta, fill-in-the-blank. The hardest vocabulary word was plateau, and judging from the awkward illustration, I suspected that these decapitated mountains had just been made up to give public school children something to memorize in Social Studies class. But here, in New Mexico, there are plateaus.

    It’s early morning on sleepy I-25 South, surely one of the least-used stretches of highway in the country. The cars don’t come and, when they do come, they don’t stop. For hours we sit by the side of the road, waiting. Far away there are mountains, covered all over with trees. There’s no tree line. A manicured RV park lies on the other side of the freeway, before you get to the rusting piles of construction junk further on down. There are the green Interstate signs, always, and the same well-known logos floating in the sky. Texaco, McDonald’s, Pedestrians Prohibited.

    The light is relentless, and a broken-limbed black umbrella serves as my parasol. I’m this sitting girl, held impossibly still by the heat. The shadow of the crippled umbrella falls on my dirty, sweaty clothes, graying out my patchwork sketch-palate jeans (ripped at the knees) and the faded yellow head-scarf that hides my greasy, unwashed hair. A dog barks. The bark crosses the freeway from the RV park and settles in my shade. I try to see myself from a driver’s eyes. A speck in the distance, slowly coming into focus. This skinny, raggedy, overgrown child, rained on by the New Mexico sun. A queer, enchanting sight. I could pass for a mirage. Maybe that’s why no one pulls over.

    A few feet away, my boyfriend reads from our tattered, rained-on, duct-taped copy of War and Peace. In his other hand, he holds the sign: SOUTH TO ALBUQUERQUE. His long, matted hair drips over a black t-shirt plastered with a gray wolf howling up at a yellow moon near the left shoulder. On the bottom, it says “Texas.”  It’s from a truck stop – three for $10.

    My boyfriend feels me staring, looks up from the gnarled book (attacked by a pack of dogs after I finished it and before he started) and asks, “When was the last time you remember having fun?” An accusation. Our trip was supposed to be an adventure. We were supposed to be seeing the country.

    Maybe he is still seeing something when he looks out there, but when he looks at me, he sighs. He sighs a lot. What does he expect? After all, I stood in the sunset. I let myself be kissed in a photographic style. A pink glow rose and fell upon my cheeks. That was only last night. Still, his fairytale is no longer my problem. Conjuring happiness is no longer my concern. What I wouldn’t give to become scenery.

    “Fun?” I reply, “I like playing checkers.”

    Occasionally, we play pennies against nickels on a hand-drawn board. We do this in air-conditioned fast food restaurants, filling the brightly-colored booths with our hiking packs, sleeping bags, water bottles. We sit and play checkers with our change until some stranger offers to buy us a pair of Value Meals. One such stranger actually complimented my boyfriend on me.

    “Dude,” said the long-haired man, dropping some quarters on our table, “I hope you know how lucky you are to have such a beautiful companion on your awesome trip.”

    Of course, he said he knew. You have to keep up appearances for the ones who wish they were you. If you’re a young couple hitchhiking together, half the people who help you do it because they wanted to be you in the 60s. But not everyone.

    There was the man with the blue shirt and cigarettes who walked up to my table at Wendy’s, where I was making a friendship bracelet from embroidery floss. I was dressed in a threadbare hippy skirt and dirty red tank top from a California Goodwill store, and my boyfriend was in the bathroom.

    “Hey, do you need a job?” asked the man.

    “No, we’re just traveling, but thanks.”

    “You need money?”

    “We’re okay.”

    “‘Cuz I could give you a job.”

    I didn’t catch on. I didn’t want to be mean. “What kind of a job?”

    He sat down in my boyfriend’s chair. “It’ll just take 15 minutes.”

    “I’m not interested.” Staring at the thread in my hands.

    “I’ll give you $50.”

    “I’m not interested.” Staring at the floor.

    I must’ve said it three times before he finally said okay and walked off. My boyfriend passed him on his way out, coming back from the bathroom.

    “Don’t leave,” I told him, as soon as he reached the table. I meant that.

    Checkers was a weak answer. I should have said, “When was the last time we had sex?” An accusation. We ran away for love.

    Not only is he no longer able to view our sex life – in the tent, under overpasses, in truck stop showers – as a form of escapism, he avoids it specifically to make it easier for him to escape once this is over. It is one thing to say you want to leave someone you’re completely isolated with and fucking regularly. It is another thing to say you want to leave someone you’re sleeping with in close quarters and refusing to touch. Someone whom you’ve already touched in the ultimate way.

    “It must be hard for you, doing this now,” he offers.

    I want to say, “You have no idea.” I want to tell him all about it, how I cannot experience anything outside my own skin anymore. How even his ambivalence is dulled to me, like those famed New Mexico sunsets I daydreamed through for days. How every place we go is the same. The changes in landscape are miniscule compared to the changes happening inside.

    I cannot tell him these things. I write them down in my hand-softened journals. I think about them, and the tears peek out. They sometimes, silently, fall. I open my mouth to tell him how I really feel, and the only sounds that will come are complaints. I complain constantly. I say that I am tired, I am dizzy, I am sick, I am hungry, I am afraid. I say these things even though they are obvious. We were supposed to be in love. We’ve been on the road for five months now, and we’ve finally passed the point where things could not possibly get better, and things cannot possibly get worse.

    Today is the last day I could’ve gotten the pill. I think of sharp and silver things; my stomach turns.

    We have $65; we need at least $300. The signage blitz isn’t working. TRAVELING AND HUNGRY, ANYTHING HELPS. It was for food, once. We were even happy, really, in the beginning. We flashed peace signs at the SUV’s waiting at busy intersections on their lunch breaks. We believed the stories we told the strangers who picked us up. But the charm wore off, even before we found ourselves worse off than broke.

    We try to fake it now, this idea that our life before was the limited, slave-like one. The bullshit of the daily grind. Commercialism, television, academia, responsibility. Oh, to simply see. Oh, to be alive and free.

    Maybe the intersection strangers know they’re being duped. Maybe they know that I’ve never appreciated a 99-cent corporate hamburger so much in my life. That whereas before, TV was merely a procrastination tool, now, I would give anything to be able to lose myself in a stupid sitcom. Not that there are even any intersections to try here. We’re in the middle of nowhere, trying to get to…

    “Do you have a better idea?” he asks. “Do you want to try something else? Do you want to call your parents?”

    No. My parents haven’t heard from me in months. I ran away for love.

    When my mother was pregnant with me, she dreamt she gave birth to a kitten instead of a girl, and after bringing it home from the hospital, she accidentally left it in a dresser drawer, where it died. I haven’t dreamt of children or of cats, but I’ve dreamt of becoming huge. I am scared I will just wait and wait, until I’ll have no choice. The highway is no place for children.

    I also dreamt of tearing open chickens. And I dreamt that a man picked us up in his car and told us that he knew that there were people like us, people with our very names, but he did not know that we were those people. He told me the version of my boyfriend that he knew cared for me so much more than for anything else in the world. But my real boyfriend, who sat next to me in the dream, only snickered.

    I want to rest. I want to sleep in. I want to eat something that isn’t from the 99c menu, that isn’t peanut butter sandwiches or oatmeal. I want to get away from the sun. I want to wipe out the red, the orange, the yellow. These New Mexico colors are everywhere: on the ground, in the sky. My tan is spattered with this paint. I am burning; I feel like I’m going to vomit up a sun-baked baby.

    I’m sitting on a rolled up sleeping bag. He’s sitting on his pack. A Jeep just passed us by, with talk radio spilling out its windows. If I stood up, I would fall down. One of the floating signs says there’s a Holiday Inn at the next exit. I want. Our water is tinted with Hawaiian Punch, from the soda fountain where we filled up our dented plastic bottles last. It tastes bad and I don’t want to drink it, but I’m so thirsty and my yellow piss says I’m not drinking enough.

    I take down the umbrella to write in my diary. The sun squints my eyes and muddles my thoughts. My nose is stinging. My arms are stinging. Sweat drips slowly down my neck, leaving furrows in the dirt. Next to me on the concrete shoulder are a small pelt and a smear that used to be an animal. On the entrance ramp, I saw a mummified dog, the grotesque version of those animal skins that sleep in the parlors of the rich, with their heads still on. It occurs to me that if I never moved from this spot, the highway’s next rug could be me, the fried remains of a girl who ran away for love, climbed her first plateau, and died trying to see the country.

    Such a death is too pure for me. I am not so idealistic as I used to be. Eventually, I will get up. Eventually, I will come down. I will get an abortion and I will get an apartment. I will let him leave me. It will be hard, but I will do it. I will live to tell the tale. New Mexico sunsets are pretty.

     

    Vanishing Heritage: China

    Best of In The Fray 2005. Rapid industrialization is making it difficult for ethnic minorities in China, Bolivia, and Thailand to preserve their cultural identity. Part one of a three-part series.

    Click here to enter the visual essay.

    Three nations on opposite sides of the globe are linked by indigenous culture and the threat of industrialization to its preservation.

    In China, Tibetans have for decades struggled to regain their freedom. But now, for the first time, Tibet’s people are becoming a minority in their own homeland as their culture is quickly evaporating into the Chinese landscape. To many there, political freedom is no longer a realistic quest but the freedom to preserve a centuries-old cultural heritage remains in question.

    In Bolivia, the autonomy of more than 300 minority ethnic groups is threatened by the rapid modernization of Bolivian society. Tibetans and the people of Bolivia’s largest minority community, the Aymara, share a striking physical resemblance; some anthropologists claim that an ancient migration across the continents may in fact connect the cultures by blood.

    In Thailand, the society of the Akha minority group is now losing its cultural identity. As electricity comes to each village, in turn, its inhabitants begin to realize the homogenized and idealized life portrayed on satellite television. The young often choose to leave the simple village life behind, in search of work and the other lures of city life.

    As a documentary photographer, it is my goal to document the traditions of rapidly fading indigenous cultures before they completely disappear; it is my hope that viewers may consider assisting in their preservation.

    Part 2: Bolivia

    Part 3: Thailand

    For information on obtaining prints from the Vanishing Heritage series, please contact John Kaplan at kaplan-at-writeme-dot-com.

     

     

    Always Know Your Place

    Best of In The Fray 2005. Four generations of Chinese women battle and bend to the cultural restrictions that ensure all women know their place in Irene Kai’s first book, The Golden Mountain.

    The “golden mountain” — this memoir’s name for America — is the place to make your fortune, at least for Irene Kai’s family. But venturing there, for women, doesn’t loosen the cords of a Chinese tradition that mandates subservience, self-sacrifice, and submission to men.

    The Golden Mountain, winner of numerous awards, including 2005 Best Book of the Year by ForeWord Magazine, offers a vivid portrayal of four generations of Chinese women attempting to live within the confines of their culture.

    Through her portrayal of the first three generations — the author’s mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, Kai attests to her savvy as a narrator and offers an admirable tribute to her female ancestors. Kai’s memoir begins with the story of her great-grandmother, Wong Oi, a peasant woman who believed, for most of her life in China and Hong Kong, that journeying for a month is better than studying for three days.

    With dreams of earning fortunes in the golden mountain, Wong Oi’s husband and eldest son leave her and the other children for 10 years. Wong Oi vicariously journeys with them through the elevated status that having family in the United States brings her. Knowing that her family’s lot (read: wealth and status) will improve, particularly under her guidance, Wong Oi accepts, even embraces, their departure.

    The results, we discover through the stunning landscape Kai paints of her great-grandmother’s newfound lavish life, pay off.

    Wong Oi, for instance, sips Jasmine tea in her new mansion’s garden while gossiping with relatives. Similarly, when rebels disrupt this life of luxury by destroying the homes and land of the wealthy, Wong Oi’s family included, we see Wong Oi’s family resettle in Hong Kong, and more tellingly, Wong Oi struggling to regain her social status. She attempts to do so, most notably, by demanding her husband take a concubine, a tradition of rich families in China. But while the concubine helps Wong Oi win back her status, she brings Wong Oi great misery: Her husband, we discover, prefers the concubine, leaving Wong Oi to retaliate in the only way she knows how: by emotionally torturing his mistress. Wong Oi’s suffering is the price she pays, Kai skillfully demonstrates, for her strict adherence to tradition and her refusal to embrace changing Chinese family expectations.

    Gendering women

    While Chinese family expectations may change, Kai suggests that the women in her family — beginning with her grandmother, Choi Kum — are subjected to strict gender roles. Choi Kum, for example, does not have her feet bound, inviting perpetual teasing by her cousins, who claim she will never find a man willing to marry her. Similarly, when Choi Kum expresses remorse at Chinese patrilocal marriage customs, her mother responds with the axioms: “Know your place and accept your fortune”; “Silence is a virtue”; “You will have an easier life if you bend with the wind.” Bending is exactly what Choi Kum does as she mothers 10 children, most born less than 15 months apart, and works 12-hour days — including the day after her first child is born.

    Things begin to change for Kai’s mother, Margaret, who is the first to rebel against her elders’ advice. Demonstrating the significance of this generation gap / cultural tide, Kai goes to great lengths to develop this contrast between the older and newer generations. While the first part of Kai’s memoir describes the self-effacing Choi Kum and the traditionalist Wong Oi, the second part reveals that the two elder women are essentially foils to Margaret and Irene Kai. Margaret is a fighter: She loses some, she wins some. But she clearly has no intention of surrendering her voice. At 15 she pleads with her mother to let her marry for love “like the Americans,” but is promised nevertheless to James, Choi Kum’s eldest son, who sleeps around and becomes addicted to opium. Despite the gossip and shame it brings to the family, Margaret retaliates by also taking on lovers.

    As we discover, the author follows in her mother’s footsteps, rebelling to become an independent woman. She seeks a master’s degree and eventually leaves her abusive and controlling husband. But it is the culmination of this rebellion — the writing and publication of The Golden Mountain — that is perhaps the greatest rebellion of all, the ultimate challenge to the taboo of revealing family secrets.

    But for all of her transgressions, Kai characterizes herself in terms that are anything but defiant. Instead, Kai, in the book’s greatest shortcoming, depicts herself as a victim of life, men, and family. She recalls, for instance, being beaten with a green stick and expected to care for her younger sister. Irene’s mother, Margaret, tells others, “She just has a face that begs to be hated,” calls her “Crying bag,” and yells, “You are as stupid as a pig.” Meanwhile, Kai is used and abused by men, being sexually assaulted by her uncle and grandfather and subjected to lascivious teachers, emotionally crippling boyfriends, and a vicious husband. As her memoir reveals, neither Kai’s family nor her culture ever taught her this behavior might be wrong, even though much of this part of Kai’s life takes place during the second and third waves of the feminist movement.

    Kai only makes the delineation between sexualized and gendered rights and wrongs when she is much older, despite the feminist force of her era, which asserted that domestic violence is a social problem, rape and sexual assault are crimes, and the personal is political.

    The book’s flaw, then, isn’t merely the position Kai found herself in her younger days. It’s also in the telling she does as a theoretically liberated adult woman. With the majority of The Golden Mountain conveying Kai’s sorrow, the author gives preference to her own victimization by various forces such as the art industry, university students and professors, and a husband that systematically eradicates her sense of self. Although Kai was most likely both a victim and a fighter, she downplays her triumphs in The Golden Mountain. The end result of Kai’s disavowal of personal triumphs — at least for this reader — is a depressing mischaracterization of human nature, typically full of the wretched and the golden, the shadows and the lights. The ending is thus anything but cathartic — or golden.

    To read Laura Madeline Wiseman’s interview with Irene Kai, please click here.

     

    The Boiling Point

    The super-duper quick and easy guide to not becoming a terror suspect.