This love thing has got me twisted

 

"Do you love me?" she asked, her desperation crackling through the phone.

"Huh?" It was too early to handle the situation comprehensively, I was still in the rubbing-the-crusty-white-stuff-out-of-your-eyes stage and trying to work out who I was speaking to.

"Really…I love you too!"

"What?" I leapt out of bed, red alerts flashing in my head. It was too late; she had already put the phone down with lumps of skin bunched at both sides of her stretched lips, her teeth glowing, her eyes staring blindly in rapture…

What did I do?

"Shit!" I screamed into the phone, jumping up and down like the psychotic prince from Roald Dahl's 'Cinderella' — "Off with her nut!" This was the fourth STRAIGHT chick to tell me that she loved me, and I had only spoken to her two days ago — for five minutes! Her desperation and lack of control annoyed me and, in attempt to rectify the inconvenience, I broke her heart.

"Ummm…sorry. I don't swing that way…and even if I gave it a shot, I don't think we'd look good together in public…"

It didn't make me feel any better about myself.  In fact, I spent the rest of the day hanging upside down from a malfunctioning rollercoaster, viewing my life in vertigo. The palpable intensity of blood rushing to my brain diverged all logic; so I let go of the safety bar and jumped. Freefalling tends to generate the slow-mode flashback effect in which imagery from your past passes before yours eyes in nostalgic self-obliteration…WHO have I become?

Alice pauses to ponder. "I'm sure I can't be Mabel, for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! She knows such a very little! Besides, she's she, and I'm I, and — oh dear, how puzzling it all is!"

Relationships tend to have that effect on people! People dedicate their entirety to a word that no one truly understands — one's dreams, hobbies, goals are all replaced by the dreams, hobbies, and goals of an all-but-stranger that they love, disregarding all what-if situations as if nothing could ever go wrong. Things do. You wake up on a Monday morning, in the worn-out couch of an inarticulate shrink who empties out your purse and fills it with soggy tissues. Such despair can only exist in metaphors:

"The doctor said that I had been speeding. I told him that there weren't any red robots to make me stop. He replied that I was going too fast to see them!"

Don't get me wrong — I used to be one of those cloud niners who believed that relationships were about giving 100 percent in order to maintain them. After a year of gazing lovingly into his eyes and hearing the clichéd chime of wedding bells, I noticed the ring that he had forgotten to hide.

"What's that?" I asked stupidly.

"Oh, I'm married. Didn't I tell you?"

I froze, and was pummeled by the 365 days that had been stigmatized by his scent. His lips continued to move, but I only heard the agonizing cries of my breath trying to keep me alive. Life deteriorated. I became a walking Bridget Jones — the single, self-loathing drunk dissolving herself into the shields of He's Just Not That into You. As much as I tried, there was no life without him. He wafted in my mind until his name imprinted itself into my retina, and soon everything I saw became a reminder of him.

I was just as stupid as any other girl who had fallen for the well-rehearsed lines of Mr. All-but-Right. So I gave up on love only to be haunted by other women who, having made the same mistakes, have turned to loving other women as a substitute for their failed heterosexual relationships.

Sigh. Love is beyond me.

 

The kid that stays blazed; part 2

 

(if you haven't please check out "part 1" as it will make more sense!) 

 

He was hesitant to take the steps toward making a band and leading it, especially after being soaked in the familiarity and comfort of playing for already well-established bands. The concept of being a frontman and starting from what seemed like scratch, at the time sounded like two steps in the wrong direction, a regression rather than a progression. But the more that he wrote in 2006 and then some more in 2007 (these songs would eventually become “From Sumi to Japan,” their debut record to be released this summer on Triple Crown Records), the more he realized how exciting it was to have more creative control than he had ever had before.

“I always knew this kid was going somewhere,” said Pete. He handed over two Stellas to a couple who had just arrived. “Yeah, yeah, so he likes to smoke a little more than the next guy, but even when we was kids, he was a driven guy.” He nodded and smiled at Bonz who had just lazily emerged from the bathroom. “I think he’s just been waitin’ for the right time to bust a move, and you know why I believed in this kid?” I didn’t. “Cause he always stays blazed!” he responded loudly so Bonz would hear. They both burst out laughing.

Bonz was now standing in the corner of the bar, where the soundboard was. He twisted and turned knobs, listening into DJ-esque headphones as the first acoustic act of the night went through a mini-soundcheck. The dim lights of Bar 4 hid away part of his baby-faced cheeks while he yelled back and forth to the stage. “Yo, is that good?” A third pint awaited him. “Just lemme know what’s up, cause I can crank this baby as loud as you want!”

Approaching 8PM, Bar 4 had patrons sitting left and right on stools and wine-colored couches. The chatter level was slowly building up in anticipation of the live music.

His hours at Bar 4 and his side-job as a fourth grade arts teacher’s assistant at Wingspan Arts would soon be cut short. With “From Sumi to Japan” to be released in only a couple of weeks, Brian Bonz and the Dot Hongs would be embarking on a two-and-a-half month U.S. tour with Kevin Devine to support the album starting the last week of April. All the time spent preparing for his frontman role would soon be put to the test. The reception to the CD and to his band’s stage performance would be the telltale signs of success or defeat…

 Stay tuned for parts 3 and 4…

Also, Brian Bonz released his record, check out his music here 

 

Help a sister out

You ever had one of those rough days at work where the only thing you can mentally or physically manage after leaving the office is plugging in your earphones and choosing the song "Take This Job and Shove It" on your iPod?

Today was one of those days.

The good thing about riding the subway in a situation like this is that, if the trains aren't too crowded, I can actually decompress on the way home. The same cannot be said about sitting white-knuckled in bumper-to-bumper traffic breathing exhaust fumes. And as luck would have it, a seat opened up just as I was boarding the 2 train. I leaned my head against the wall, closed my eyes and went to my happy place.

There is a certain lulling quality to the rhythm of the train, especially when it builds up speed in the tunnel under the East River. (See Cure Insomnia, Save the World post.) So I was a little surprised and embarrassed, when I squinted one eyelid open to make sure that I wasn't somewhere in Bed-Stuy (which, if I'm being honest with you, I have done before), to be eye-to-bellybutton with a ginormous pregnant woman.

How long had she been standing over me secretly coveting my seat, her aching back and swollen feet longing for some relief? I got up quickly and she seemed grateful rather than annoyed at my obliviousness. After my self-satisfaction at helping my fellow neighbor wore off, I wondered why no one else in the vicinity had offered his or her seat.

That brings me to the unspoken subway code outlining who should get a seat, which I thought was well-ingrained into the commuter's psyche:

  • Pregnant women, if they are obviously pregnant
  • The elderly, but not just your average AARP member. We're talking white hair and possibly a cane. Sixty is the new 40.
  • Anyone of any age who is infirm. This includes crutches, blind with walking sticks and neck braces.
  • A parent who is carrying a baby or has a baby strapped in a snugly. Not applicable if the child is in a stroller.

Not having ridden mass transit while pregnant, I decided to conduct an informal and highly subjective survey from the test group called Women I Know. I'm sad to report that apparently pregnant women end up standing more often than not. There is the understandable awkwardness of trying to decide if a woman in early stages of pregnancy is indeed with child or just, how can I say this gracefully, Reubenesque. But I was amazed to learn about the blatant disregard for weary travelers.

Of the hundreds of rides taken by my respondents while pregnant, they each could count on one hand the number of times a seat was immediately offered, and of the occasions they were given a seat, the generosity was bestowed either by a man of color or a teenager. (Teens do have a conscience…) Evidently white men rank lowest on the list of seat-giver-uppers, and women of all colors are not far behind. (Come on, women, help a sister out!)

One noteworthy incident involved a ride on the Metro North commuter train during which a woman was saving two seats on either side for her friends. Facing the prospect of standing for a 40-minute ride, my very pregnant friend asked for a seat to no avail. Finally a woman tucked into a corner relinquished hers, causing my friend to squeeze in front of several other people to get to it. The train doors closed with the "saved" seats still available.

Not long ago some Columbia University sociology students conducted a subway experiment. They had to approach seated New Yorkers, look them in the eye and ask them to give up their seats without any explanation. This, I think, is third on the list of things most feared right after public speaking and death. But here's the kicker: with very few exceptions, every person gave up their seat, no questions asked! Whether the students were tailed home and given a once-over, was not reported in the results.

 

Multitasked mayhem

Multi-tasking – it’s what the job agencies want.

“Must be able to multitask,” they explain, as though it’s an elusive ability. Any reasonably functioning person who manages to pick up their groceries, wash the sheets, go to work, check their emails, make phone calls, attend meetings, and have a social life in the evening must, they must, be able to multitask.

Or maybe offices need their employees to do it all at once? Record the mail, make the tea, pull a file, and answer the phone before it’s rung four times. If we had a few more arms then yes, that sort of multitasking may be possible. But we don’t.

The best I can figure is that "must be able to multitask" really means "must be able to account for several responsibilities and manage your time effectively."

I suppose they might add “must be willing to multitask” because, while many of us have the capability to run our lives on several paths at once, it is damn exhausting.

Multitasking stretches the brain thin and often results in work of lower quality.

Why do I know this? Well, ever tried reading a book while having a conversation? I have and it doesn’t work. Either the book or the conversation gets suppressed – and a deep absorption won’t be happening toward either. Essentially it’s a waste of your multitasked time. Others agree.

It’s a bee in my bonnet as I go through all these job applications. Everyone’s looking for a multitasker. A buzz-word gone wild.

Not that I’m going to argue because, hey, managing my time effectively while prioritizing work is only a few shades away from multitasking, and the results, I dare say, are even better.

They’ll never know the difference. Or they wouldn’t anyhow, if I were actually employed. Back to the applications!

 

Iran protests: women on the forefront

 

Conservative blogger Eleanor Duckwall notes that the women of Iran who are demanding democracy and freedom are empowered with university education but are suffocating under repressive cultural norms.

"When I watched the brave and often incredibly beautiful young Iranian women take to the streets in the last few days, I also thought back to how Dr. Nafisi's favorite students mocked a culture that allowed them a university education while attempting to confine them to gender roles more appropriate to 7th-century warring Arab nomads."

A Mumbai Mirror reader in India also points towards the reality of Iranian women's progress held hostage by lack of freedom. Writing to the editor, Rajendra Aneja says

"But a major lesson for the entire world from Iran is the dynamic role played by Iranian women. Even prior to the elections, women were leading the campaign for more freedom. After the results, Iranian women in the country and abroad are at the forefront of agitation and street protests…And now, women are leading and showing the way forward for change and fighting for it."

Maureen Callahan at The New York Post calls the women protesters "The Heroines of Iran" and notes the progress made by Iranian women in education and political activism.

"The women of Iran are on the verge. They are more literate and highly educated than men (63 percent attend university), and, as in the U.S., women comprise 50 percent of the vote. Ahmadinejad's challengers even Karroubi, the cleric! made a point of soliciting the female vote, appearing in public with their wives, or speaking to the need for more women in parliament or positions of power."

And the women on streets are not divided by economic class. Liana Aghajanian, editor-in-chief of independent Armenian magazine IANYAN, says

"At the beginning I thought this was going to be a fight between the lower class and the middle class. What I saw on Monday changed my mind completely. I saw many women, young and old, covered head-to-toe in black chadors shouting and chanting among the demonstrators and joining the young girls who were sitting on the ground in the middle of the street to stop the Basij militia from walking inside the crowd."

There are plenty of videos of the notorious Basij militia beating up protesters on YouTube. It is tough to verify the authenticity of the majority of the videos because of the environment of fear in Iran, but they offer those outside Iran a glimpse of events in the country.

Here is an unverified video of the Basij beating up women protesters.

 

The great escape

Do you use something powerful and dangerous, like drugs or firearms? Or do you prefer something a bit more mundane, like television or food? Perhaps you prefer the sweet bliss of a good novel or a fine sonnet, or maybe you’re a runner or a biker. Maybe it’s the pure joy of a melody, or the sublime ecstasy of harmony. Or maybe, for you, it’s simply the sweet freedom of sleep, the ultimate escape.

Whatever your mechanism of choice, the need for escape is essential to the human experience. In fact, during traumatic events such as war or abuse, your brain will dissociate from your body, escaping with your consciousness while the rest of you suffers. It is how our body protects our mind from the most extreme circumstances.

In this month’s issue, we explore the different techniques people employ to escape, and what they wish to escape from. Our journey starts with Matthew Kongo, a Sudanese refugee who is building a new life in Maine. Kyle Boelte tells Kongo’s story in To a home unknown. Next, Alexis Wolff tells us how her work in a treatment center for adolescent girls helped her escape a bit of her own past in Youth behind walls. In A soul with nothing up its sleeves, poet Larry Jaffe escapes his body and shares his venture with us.

America’s meth addiction is a problem that is rooted in the escapism of a large swath of the rural parts of the country. In Matthew Heller’s review of Nick Reding’s book Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town, he explores Reding’s chronicle of how one town in Iowa is trying to fight back against the drug. In Nature’s waltz, artist Maureen Shaughnessy shares with us a selection of digital collages. Finally, Rachael Jackson gets off the beaten path in Costa Rica, in her story Hidden Costa Rica.

So, what about you? What do you need to escape from? How do you get away? Tell us your story below, in our comments section.

I am a writer/editor turned web developer. I've served as both Editor-in-chief and Technical Developer of In The Fray Magazine over the past 5 years. I am gainfully employed, writing, editing and developing on the web for a small private college in Duluth, MN. I enjoy both silence and heavy metal, John Milton and Stephen King, sunrise and sunset. Like all of us, I contain multitudes.

 

Nature’s waltz

A series of digital collages.

 

Oppressive summer heat invokes the need for escape. In her series of digital collages, Nature’s waltz, artist Maureen Shaughnessy invites the viewer to a place less inhabited and less inhibited.

[Click here to view the slideshow.]

 

Youth behind walls

When helping offers escape from one’s own problems.

    The summer I was 19, I was responsible for a handful of teenage girls. Not just any girls. These were, according to the website I’d perused back in my Yale dorm room that spring, “Kentucky’s most vulnerable and troubled youth.” They were living at the treatment center where I’d taken a summer job.

    The girls “lived” under the guard of three layers of locks and the supervision of counselors who documented their mood and whereabouts every 15 minutes. They seemed as unhappy as anyone would be in such a situation, stomping dramatically through their dorm’s living room, glaring at everyone they passed, and then plopping onto one of the standard issue tweed couches, just close enough to other residents to make them sigh loudly, and sometimes even scream.

    When these girls started yelling, they couldn’t seem to stop. They screamed about how much they hated one another and us counselors and cops and teachers and the world. They screamed about how they were only there because their families were full of screwups who didn’t want them. They screamed and screamed until they’d made enough of a nuisance of themselves that a counselor would lock them in the time-out room, padded and empty, like how I imagined one would be in a psychiatric hospital. And just as one girl’s screaming calmed, another’s started.

    Why I thought I was qualified to help them, I’m not sure. I was just a year older than the oldest residents, and my freshman year wasn’t devoted to psychology or social work, but to naturally occurring fractals and political theory. Still, I empathized with the girls, and I must have hoped that this would be enough.

    What’s even less clear is why the center hired me. But that June, there I was, assigned to keep busy the three residents exempt from summer school. I was given an activities’ budget, gas money, and eight hours a day to aid in their “healing.”

    I made a schedule of volunteer and educational activities that I submitted to the center’s director, but when we left each morning, it might as well have flown out my car’s window. I did whatever my charges Nicole, Christina, and Kelly asked. I knew they hadn’t left their dorms for months, and I decided what they just might need was affirmation that they deserved better than to be locked up. So, I let them have fun.

    Nicole asked to go horseback riding, which shocked me. Not yet 18, her record already included burglary, grand theft auto, and aggravated battery. She’d been sober for at least the four months she had been at the center, but she still had a hazy thought process and a glazed look in her eyes. She could also summon an intense glare, and being half a foot taller than me, she liked to remind me how little I was.

    I saw Nicole as a caricature of a tough city girl, not someone who would desire an idyllic trot through the country. But she did, so we went.

    Sixteen-year-old Christina wanted to see R-rated movies. She was a pretty Latina — a little bossy and arrogant, but she tended to follow the rules, and most of the other girls looked up to her. I could tell she was smart, too, and I daydreamed about helping her get into a good college. What a great application essay her stint here would make!

    But Christina had another side. She would tell stories about burglary or her “pimp daddy,” and when someone interrupted her or questioned her authority, she became angry and violent, throwing everything from punches to 21-inch television sets.

    I never questioned her authority. We saw a number of R-rated movies.

    Kelly was different from Christina and Nicole. The 15-year-old directed her anger not at the world, but at herself. She lacked confidence and self-respect, trying to impress others with tight clothes and bright makeup. She preferred strolling through the mall, and once, when we drove by a bridal shop, she asked to stop to try on wedding dresses. We did.

    We rented bikes built for two to ride by the riverfront, and we even tracked a peacock we spotted wandering the streets. At a pay phone, I supervised the girls’ calls to the zoo and several nearby farms. I was so proud of them — and of myself: I thought I was helping them become Good Samaritans.

    There were plenty of other times when I honestly thought my lenience was doing the girls good. One morning, for instance, I went to pay for our gas and left them alone in my running car.

    All three — even Kelly — had grand theft auto on their rap sheets.

    “Miss Wolff,” Christina said afterwards, “that was just plain stupid.”

    But I didn’t think so. I thought they needed to feel trusted, and the fact that they didn’t take advantage of my trust seemed like progress.   

    Yet some part of me must have suspected that being the girls’ friend rather than their superior benefited me more than it did them. I can’t think of any other reason why I would have decided in July to begin making them volunteer. We spent a day sorting clothes at Goodwill, and another playing with preschoolers, but the girls wanted none of it. They threatened to make me sorry if we did any more community service, and who was I to argue?

    It wasn’t just that I was 19 and unqualified.

    Every day when I got off work, I visited drive-thru after drive-thru, shoving a hamburger, donut, or ice cream cone into my mouth. Then, at the corner gas station, I’d lock myself in a bathroom stall and tickle the back of my throat. Most days, the ice cream was still cold coming up.

    Incredibly, I didn’t see the irony of my working as a counselor. My job seemed separate from my personal life — that is, until one afternoon, while we were driving along the Interstate, when the girls pointed out smoke creeping from under my car’s hood.

    As they shrieked and squealed about their imminent deaths, I found the nearest exit. Smoke was still seeping out as I pulled into a gas station, where an attendant propped the hood. Suddenly, yellow and orange whirled in the air. Gray clouds shot up and enveloped the fire.

    “Dang Miss Wolff,” Nicole said, “you almost killed us!”

    I just stared at my burning engine.

   “But I’ve had it less than two months!” I protested to no one in particular. “What could have happened?”

   “Looks like someone sold you a lemon,” the attendant said.

   I breathed deeply. I didn’t mention that someone was my dad, a used car salesman.

   At that moment, I didn’t feel like the counselor whom the girls addressed as Miss Wolff. I felt like a girl from a screwed-up family, whose influence I couldn’t escape.

   Of course, compared to these girls — whose families abused and neglected them — I didn’t have it so bad. But I still couldn’t help but wonder whether my own father, with whom I’d had a strained relationship since he left when I was three, sold me a junker on purpose. I also hated that my mom couldn’t afford to buy me a newer, more reliable car in the first place — like all of my college friends’ parents could.

   That might have been when I realized I had nothing of substance to offer Nicole, Christina, and Kelly. I couldn’t give them what I didn’t have; I had no idea why some people’s lives were harder than others, or how we were supposed to accept our circumstances, mourn our disappointment about them, and then build the lives we would prefer.

   Although I had been convincing myself that treating the girls as equals was for their benefit, I began to see that I was treating them as such because they were my equals. I gave up on trying to help them. I now hoped only that my influence wouldn’t inadvertently do any harm.

   Near the end of the summer, I took Nicole, Christina, and Kelly to the Louisville Science Center. The admission fee stretched our daily allowance, so I packed lunches from the dorm kitchen rather than buying fast food as usual.

   Nicole wasn’t happy to trade her daily cheeseburger for a museum trip, and she made no secret of her discontent in the science center’s cafeteria as she pulled the orange from her brown paper bag. She scowled at the fruit’s presence in her hand before dropping it on the table and watching it roll onto the floor. Then she unwrapped her peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and stared at me.

   Finally, she took a bite and, still staring at me, chewed slowly, as if she was being forced to eat mud.

   “Miss Wolff,” Nicole said as she unpacked the rest of her lunch, “this sucks.”

    I told her I was sorry.

   “If you’re so sorry,” she said, “then buy me a Coke.”

    I said I would if I could, but we had no money left. Nicole, staring with disgust at her unopened half-pint carton of milk, said she was sure I could afford to buy everyone Cokes with my own money.

    Hesitantly, and concerned less by the center’s rules than my own budget, I told her I shouldn’t.

    In a huff, Nicole pushed herself out and up from the table.

    “Buy me a Coke,” she said again, giving me one last chance.

    I said no tentatively, and Nicole stormed off, yelling that I’d be sorry.

    Already, I was.

    I remembered learning at the beginning of the summer that girls who ran away were almost never seen at the center again. Was that Nicole’s plan? Would she try to hitchhike and be taken advantage of en route? Would she settle onto the Louisville streets? This could be the beginning of her downward spiral, and it would be entirely my fault.

    I wanted so badly to stop her, but I didn’t know how. Here, away from the center’s locks, from fellow counselors who could be called for backup, and from rules created to give counselors power over patients, I was helpless.

    So I just followed her, trailing far enough behind so that my presence was obvious but not intrusive. Once, in the astronomy room, she stopped, turned around, and glared at me before whipping her body forward and continuing on.

    Nicole paced for the next hour before finally heading toward the stairs that led to the street. My heart stopped.

    Then Nicole stopped.

    “Let’s go,” she said flatly.

     I was so relieved to return with her that day, but I was also surprised. Why hadn’t she run? At the time, I had no idea. But now, nearly a decade later, I suspect that while of course Nicole wanted to escape the center’s lock and key, she must have also realized that she didn’t have much to look forward to outside. After all, it was her former situation that drove her to the center. Perhaps this was why all three girls, who constantly complained they would rather be anywhere else, passed up chance after chance on our daily outings to actually leave.

     I often wonder whether Nicole, Christina, and Kelly think back to that summer, and if so, whether they remember it as I do — as one in which some walls came down.

Editorial note: The names of Nicole, Christina, and Kelly have been changed to protect their identities.

 

Hidden Costa Rica

The Bribri tribe invites visitors, maintains its identity.

 

I knew I was going off the beaten path when even my taxi driver looked worried.

“So where exactly should I drop you off?” he asked, as his pickup attempted to ford streams and waterfalls flowing over the Costa Rican mountain road.

“Maybe by the river?” I told him, shrugging. “My instructions just say to go to the town of Bambú, and they’ll find me.”

“They” are members of Costa Rica’s Bribri tribe. I would be spending two days with them in a remote village called Yorkín, which is only reachable by dugout canoe. I was told I’d be learning about their crafts and customs, watching demonstrations, and exploring the local terrain, but I still felt unprepared. As the nice lady who arranged the tour told me, once you get into the canoe, “you’re in their hands.”

She did give me instructions to go to a village called Bambú — but nothing more. “It sounds vague,” she said. “But it works.”

And it did.

Taking the scenic route

My taxista had nothing to worry about. A man in wading boots and a dirty cutoff T-shirt greeted me in Bambú.

Soy Luis,” he said. Seconds later, Roberto, my other guide, appeared, and I was escorted to a big, crude, green canoe.
    
The Yorkín river, which borders Panama and Costa Rica, was a thick silty brown from heavy rain that had fallen the night before, but I didn’t care. As Luis pushed away from the shore with a long stick, I realized that I would be entirely dependent on these people for the next two days. With no roads, phone lines, Internet access, or stores, I would have to trust strangers.

After 15 minutes in the canoe, my guides slid the craft onto a slice of riverbank that was covered in white stones. Right next to us, a quickly moving, rocky stream emptied into the river. I assumed that somewhere between the rushing stream and the dense vegetation was a path that would lead us to their Costa Rican village.

I was quite wrong.

“This is Panama,” Roberto told me. “We’re going to go to the waterfall.”

I had no idea we’d be taking such a side trip, but I was thrilled. (And crossing a border without going through customs felt delightfully rebellious.) I didn’t know the name of the waterfall or why it was so important that we visit it, but this trip was all about going with the flow, even if for the next 20 minutes I was wading against the current of a Panamanian waterway.

Looking at my sneakers, Roberto added, “Um, your shoes are going to get wet.”

That was an understatement. I tried to daintily hop from craggy rock to craggy rock at first, but I quickly gave up and followed my guides’ lead. Jeans, socks, sneakers and all, I plunged my legs into the water. I surrendered my purse, which held my precious camera, to one of the guides, who kept it above water with the grace of an acrobat as I clumsily stumbled behind them.

After 15 minutes of climbing over the treacherous, half-submerged rocks, we made it to the base of a thick waterfall. They splashed their faces and drank. I perched on a stone, forgot about my soggy clothes, and absorbed the mist of the Panamanian waters. Nearby, a lizard with a long, bright blue tail posed perfectly still on a rock.
 
Some guides suggest that if you’re looking for awe-inspiring Central American culture, you should skip Costa Rica. It’s better known for its beaches, rainforests, and volcanoes, so instead, explore the colorful native cultures that continue to follow their traditions in destinations such as Guatemala or Panama. Indigenous people make up only 1 percent of the population in Costa Rica, a comparatively stable country; Indian tribes here never erected anything comparable to the Mayan or Aztec pyramids that you’ll find in Mexico or Guatemala.

But, back in the canoe, still dripping from our waterfall excursion, we headed for Yorkín, a place that would prove that this culture too was determined to survive.

Paradise amongst the flora

The canoe stopped in a grassy bank, and I was met by two girls who stared at my blonde hair and giggled, but said little. An old man escorted me down a muddy road, and before disappearing behind the banana trees, pointed to a rustic health center.

“A doctor comes every fifteen days,” he said. “But we’re usually pretty healthy people.”

The soundtrack of Yorkín was the rushing river, giggling children, and cackling roosters. The air was fresh and damp. Children spent the day picking and sucking on exotic fruits, while turning anything possible into a soccer ball — crushed plastic bottles, large seeds.

My housing for the night was an open-air lodge with a thatched roof. I traded my sopping wet sneakers for the flip-flops in my bag. Alone on the big platform, I felt awkward.

There was no place to sit. The area was so open that I was afraid to change out of my wet pants because I felt like the whole tribe might watch. My fears were unfounded. In this village, neighbors have jungle between their homes. I peered over the low ledge. Bright vegetation was everywhere.

Over banana cakes and a bitter juice, I was introduced to Noe, who would be my primary guide in the village.

Noe took me on a vegetation tour and pointed out the uses of native plants. He explained that large green gourds were turned into bowls, and I sampled a sour version of sugar cane that the Bribri chew on to extract juices. I learned about a bush-like grass that has long slender leaves that spread out into a fan. Noe explained that they tear the fan into strips, then dry and dye them for weaving.

“There are very few plants we don’t use,” he said.

He pulled a yellow pod off of a tree and cracked it in half to reveal almond-sized beans, covered in a slimy mucus.

Cacao.”

Noe showed me how to take the seeds out and suck the slimy white stuff off of them — it tasted nothing like chocolate (that flavor comes from deep within the seeds), but it was sweet.

“Later,” he told me, “you’ll see a chocolate-making demonstration.”

Keeping culture alive

The tourism program is run by a cooperative of women. Calling themselves Estribata, they formed about 20 years ago when they feared they were losing their culture: people were forgetting uses of medicinal plants, children stopped learning the Bribri language, and men were leaving Yorkín to work on sticky banana plantations, which were full of pesticides. After a 28-year-old villager returned sick and then died from cancer, Bernarda Morales Marin decided that was the last straw.

“Our culture is just as valid as all the other cultures in the world,” said Bernarda, the group’s founder.

Sharing with tourists, they decided, would be the best way to help the community economically and give villagers a strong incentive to preserve their heritage. With the help of nonprofit groups, they built the housing structure with a tall, thatched roof, and started inviting guests. The first year about 10 people came. That number eventually grew to several hundred visitors a year.

Villagers also started exporting organic cocoa to Italy and bananas to Germany. With the mixed sources of income, families went from earning nothing to bringing in about $20 USD a month.
Bernarda explained all of this to me by candlelight. There were no electricity lines in the village, but tourism income helped raise money for solar panels in the tourist lodge’s kitchen and in the local school. Another positive result: Children now learn the Bribri language in school.

Visitors’ activities range from making thatched roofs, to hiking, to exploring local hot springs. I told Bernarda that I’d like to take a hike the next day and learn how to weave.

“Of course,” she said.

And then, it was chocolate time. A woman brought out a tray of roasted cacao beans. She rubbed her fingers over them and then dropped them through a metal grinder, letting the resulting coarse powder land on another tray. Once she finished, she held that tray over the ground and, with a few expert shakes, sent the shell bits drifting into the dirt.

She prepared to run the powder through the grinder again. But first, she turned to me. “How do you think it’s going to come out?” she asked slyly in Spanish. “A powder, like coffee?”

I nodded. 

It was my turn to grind. As I turned the handle, tiring quickly and worrying that I seemed like a weak city girl, I saw that there was no powder at all. Instead, a rough brown paste with an intoxicating chocolate scent was falling from the grinder. My chocolate teacher smiled.

When it was all finished, she mixed it with sweetened condensed milk, creating a soft, thick chocolate pudding that I still dream about.

Treasures and treasured memories to take home

During much of my time there I felt slightly awkward, an oversized foreigner dependent on her hosts to survive. Sometimes Noe abandoned me when he ran out of things to say. A little girl followed me around, asking my phone number and assuring me that she would have it memorized by the time I left (she did). The entire village, where about 200 people live, shared one cell phone.

Nighttime in Yorkín was a little scary. My eyes never adjusted to the blackness, and when I stumbled outside to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I could only think about jaguars and snakes.

I woke up in one piece the next morning. After eating banana pancakes for breakfast, I borrowed someone’s rubber boots for a hike up the mountain. I hoped, futilely, to see a jaguar, but we did spot a fleeing agouti and a lot of tiny red frogs with blue legs. I almost walked into a beetle, the size of my hand, hanging above the trail. After inspecting the beetle’s elaborate design and colors, I wasn’t surprised to learn that it was called a harlequin beetle.

The trail was a mix of knotted tree roots and oozing mud. Tourists wear their expensive hiking boots at their own risk. The locals know better. They sport rubber boots or simply go barefoot.

When I came back, I sat down with a young woman named Fidelia for a weaving lesson using the same plant Noe had shown me the day before. When she wound the strips around themselves, it looked easy. Then she handed them to me. My fingers seemed a lot fatter than hers. I got to take home a tiny basket, of which I had woven a single layer. I also bought a necklace made from rainforest seeds for my mom and a similar bracelet for myself. I purchased them off a small table where a makeshift “gift shop” had been created for my benefit. I was the only visitor there.

I lingered over lunch, which included fried ferns served on a plate made from a banana leaf, and lingered over the gift table, slightly worried about how I was going to get back to town to catch a bus to the capital city of San Jose. My guides were supposed to take me to the mainland in a canoe, but they didn’t seem worried, so I tried not to fret. The clock was ticking though, and I didn’t want to be stuck in the campo.

By the time I got back to Bambú, there were no more buses going to the pickup point for the San Jose bus. It was far too long to walk, and there was not enough time to call a taxi. Like a sequel to my Bribri adventure, I ended up hitching a ride with a friend of Noe’s about halfway, walking another part of the way, and was lucky enough to catch a cab for the final mile and a half. I boarded the San Jose bus with five minutes to spare. Before long, I had taken a bundle wrapped in a banana leaf out of my bag. It was the chocolate made the day before.

It disappeared just as quickly as my time with the Bribri faded to memories. And soon I was in San Jose, a place that already felt like a different world.

 

 

To a home unknown

Sudanese refugees build new lives.

 

At 7 o’clock on a cool fall morning, Matthew Kongo steps out of the Spencer Press printing plant and into daylight. The air coming off the ocean to the east is moist, the world quiet compared to the printing room inside where Kongo, 65, has been working the night shift. He wears a gray fleece jacket, dark jeans, and heavy leather work boots. Large thin-rimmed glasses balance on his wide nose, magnifying soft, sleepless brown eyes.

Kongo is still for a moment, looking out into the company’s parking lot as if taking in the world anew. During his 12-hour shifts, he stands at a computer terminal, moving paper into the production line with a large crane. After a spate of recent layoffs, he has been manning two cranes at once to increase efficiency. It’s difficult, repetitive work, especially with an injured back, a lingering reminder of his previous life in Sudan.

Kongo spots his coworker Hassan Ahmed’s Toyota four-door pulling around to the worker’s entrance. He slowly walks over to the car and gets inside. Ahmed is a refugee from Sudan, as is Kongo, although they come from far corners of the large country. Ahmed is from Darfur in the west; Kongo is from southern Sudan.

During the drive back to Portland, Maine, half an hour to the north, the two men speak of their home country and the problems there. They talk about ethnic and religious conflicts, about disputes between the central government and outlying areas, about the brutal wars that have engulfed the country for most of their lives. Solutions to Sudan’s problems seem hard to come by, and the causes almost too numerous to count.

Ahmed drops Kongo off at his home, an apartment in a three-story Victorian near the heart of Portland. Kongo climbs the stairs to the third floor where he and his family live. His wife Rose is about to head off to her job at Maine Medical Center, so they have only a brief moment together before she leaves. Their 10-year-old daughter Nancy, her hair tightly braided, is just finishing breakfast and is ready for Kongo to take her to school.

Kongo slowly makes his way back down the stars as Nancy runs ahead and jumps into the backseat of his Dodge sedan. Kongo then drives her across town to Cathedral School, where she has recently started classes. She had been going to the local public school, but was recommended by her teachers to go to a private school where she might have more opportunities. Kongo and Rose are hopeful that Nancy will go to college one day. Her sister Catherine, 19, arrived in the United States as an adolescent, and has had a tougher time adjusting to life in her new home. She recently graduated from high school and is now babysitting for relatives.

After dropping Nancy off at school, Kongo returns home for breakfast and a few hours of sleep. But he has many things he needs to do today. There is a meeting with fellow refugees to discuss housing options, a stop at Hannaford for the family’s groceries, and an upcoming community event to plan. His next shift at Spencer Press starts again tonight at seven.
 
*****

The door opens and cold air rushes into the auditorium. Two young children enter and make their way to one of the round tables where other Sudanese children sit. Two tables of adults are among the children. Between the stage and the tables, a small group of boys and girls in jeans, hooded sweatshirts, and wool sweaters walk around a circle of chairs, while R & B blasts from large speakers on either side of the stage.

Kongo, dressed in a striped charcoal suit, leans back in a folding metal chair, his body relaxed but his face serious. Deep wrinkles frame his pursed lips. The deejay near the stage hits a switch and the music abruptly stops. The children run to sit down, bumping against one another, some winding up on the hardwood floor. The sound of laughter erupts inside the room. A large smile flashes across Kongo’s face as he leans forward, his hands coming together in a single loud clap.
 
Tonight is billed as a “Back to School Night” by the Sudanese Community Association of Maine, which hopes to show these children how important education is to their new lives in America. Kongo is president of the association. Fifty children are present tonight — many more than last year — but there are few parents. It’s one of the main problems the association faces in trying to send these children to college one day. For so many Sudanese in Maine, life is little more than work, school, food, and sleep. There is hardly time for events like these, where parents can show their enthusiasm for school.

The youngest children, no more than four or five years old, chase each other around the room, while the women, wearing bright dresses and dark suits, sit at their table and speak in hushed tones. At the men’s table there’s talk of Sudan, Al-Bashir, United Nations troops, and the upcoming game: Patriots vs. Dolphins. Kongo is among them, standing up to shake the hand of every adult who walks through the door. Then he leans into a conversation and answers questions in a mix of Arabic and English. Rose sits at the women’s table and speaks to a Sudanese woman in her 60s, who has just arrived in the United States. Nancy listens attentively at one of the far tables with the rest of the children.

Nancy’s sister Catherine, in jeans and a fleece jacket, is the night’s emcee. After the games, she challenges the children with trivia questions: “Who is the president of the United States?”; “Who was the first president of the United States?”; “Who was the president before the current one?”; “Who is the president of Sudan?” A child raises her hand confidently, but when she’s called on she sinks into her seat, smiles, and loses her words. Most of the children know the answer to the first three questions, but the younger ones have trouble naming the president of Sudan. Several older children, sitting at their own table in the back, raise their hands. When called on, they intone, “Al-Bashir.”

In the last 15 years, Maine has attracted Sudanese refugees with its image of a slow pace of life and the absence of violent crime. There are over 6,000 living in the state, most of them in Portland. Kongo came to Maine because he thought it would be a good place to raise his children. Unfortunately, many refugees — Kongo included — have found Portland to be a typical city with its share of drugs, racism, and hostility to immigrants.

Excitement pulses through the room as trays, bowls, and boxes of food emerge from the kitchen: okra with stewed beef, eggplant in peanut sauce, salad greens, cucumber and tomatoes, white rice, macaroni and cheese, potato chips, meatballs, and pepperoni pizza. The children are reminded to have a little of everything, to not eat just one kind of food. They line up single file, a train of children, front to back, waiting impatiently for their turn as the adults move through the line first.

When dinner is over, Kongo slowly stands and walks to the front of the room. He takes the microphone and speaks to the children in English. He urges those who have come alone to go straight home and tell their parents all about tonight. And he encourages everyone to tell their Sudanese friends who are not present how much fun they had and to come to the next event. He wishes them all a good night, and then puts the microphone down and makes his way back to his table. As children leave, Kongo joins the men folding and stacking chairs on the side of the auditorium. 

*****

Sudan, Kongo’s homeland and the largest country in Africa, sits south of Egypt on the Red Sea and covers an area of 1 million square miles — about one-third the size of the United States. Sudan has been in a state of civil war for most of the last 50 years, and as a result, Sudanese refugees have been forced to resettle throughout the world. The conflicts between the north and the south — and the recent conflict in Darfur, which began in 2003 — have complex historical antecedents that cannot be explained simply (as they often are) as a war between black Africans and Arabs or between Christians and Muslims. But however complex, Kongo is quick to point out that race and religion play an important role in the civil wars.

Sudan is a diverse country, with more than 140 native languages, 19 ethnic groups, and many local religions. Christianity arrived in the fourth century and Islam followed several hundred years later, brought into the Nile region by Arabs from the Middle East. The Arabs, who came to dominate the north, forcibly spread Islam throughout much of the area. They began programs to centralize authority in Khartoum, Sudan’s capital, while marginalizing outlying areas. They enslaved black Africans and extracted resources from the south, including ivory and, more recently, oil. Most of the country’s arable land and natural resources are located in the south.

Kongo was born in Yei, a provincial headquarters on Sudan’s southern border with the Belgian Congo (now the Democratic Republic of Congo) and Uganda. He was born on December 8, 1944, 12 years before Sudan gained its independence from the British and 11 years before the south’s trouble with the north began in earnest. The British had co-ruled Sudan as a colony from 1899 until 1955 with Egypt. In practice, however, Sudan was ruled as two separate states: a northern Islamic state and a southern Christian state.

When Kongo was a boy, a mutiny by disaffected southern soldiers led the British to rush plans for Sudanese independence. They granted formal independence on January 1, 1956, before a permanent constitution could be signed into law. Debate about southern autonomy and federalism were relegated to the future. With the south’s concerns unaddressed, a civil war broke out in the form of a guerilla conflict that turned into a conventional war. Aside from a 10-year break from 1973 to 1983, which did little to ameliorate the underlying causes of the first war, war has continued for 50 years. A peace agreement signed in January 2005 signaled a chance for lasting peace in southern Sudan, just as the fighting in Darfur escalated.

Kongo was born into the Mundu, one of the many black African tribes indigenous to southern Sudan. He was raised in the Catholic Church, and moved when he was 18 to El Obeid, a town southwest of Khartoum, to start high school at the Comboni Catholic School. But after only one year he decided it would be best to leave Sudan; the civil war had intensified to the point where he feared for his life. The borders in the south were closed. The only way out of Sudan into exile would be to make the dangerous journey through the north. He telephoned his parents and told them he was about to leave the country. They gave him their blessing and said, simply, “Go in peace, and let God guide you and bless you.” He would never see them again.

Ready to make the journey out of Sudan, 19-year-old Kongo was joined by one of his teachers, Alfonse Abugo. They packed their bags and took a train to Khartoum, where they boarded a bus to the eastern city of Kassala, on the border with Ethiopia (now part of  present-day Eritrea), where the flat yellow desert stretches to the base of gray, rocky cliffs that rise 1,000 feet over the city. From Kassala they walked into the wilderness toward the border. Alert to the possibility of trouble, the two men buried their bags in the sand under a bridge before entering a small nomadic village. There, among huts thrown together with mud, canvas, and tin, they were met by several men with friendly gestures, and were given milk to drink. They took a seat on a mat outside one of the huts, where they rested.

After an hour filled with quiet conversation, a man appeared wearing a white jelabia — a long flowing shirt that reaches down past the knees — over white baggy pants. A long, curved sword hung from his waist. Their luck seemed to be up.

The man began interrogating them, asking them why they were on the border, about to leave the country. Kongo lied. He told the man that they were on their way to Asmara, in Ethiopia, for a weekend of shopping. The man became more and more suspicious, and asked them about their faith. He accused them of being antigovernment because they were southerners and Christians. He accused them of leaving the country to join the rebels. They denied the charges.

As the man became increasingly agitated, one of the other men from the village stood up and told the travelers, “Please know that I am not going to be one of those that may harm you. And let your blood not touch me or my children.” Incensed by the outburst, the hostile man attacked this man, their defender, saying that he was antigovernment. “You are a traitor,” he yelled.

While the Arab men argued, Kongo leaned over to his teacher and said, “This is the chance. You start running.” Kongo was young, broad-shouldered, and strong. He was confident that he could ward off the men if they attacked, especially since they wore long, clumsy clothes that would keep them from running fast. “And never mind about whatever is happening to me,” he told his friend. “I will be behind to make sure that nobody runs after you.”

Abugo turned and ran toward the bridge where they had hidden their bags. A commotion ensued, and the agitated man chased after Abugo. Kongo rushed after the man and kicked his legs out from under him. He took the man’s sword and stood over him. The other men scattered as Kongo brought the sword — still in its sheath — up into the air and then down onto the man’s back with a dull thud. As the man cried out, Kongo ran off into the desert, joining his teacher under the bridge, where they spent the night. In the morning, they walked several miles down the road before reaching a roadside bus stop, where they got on a bus that took them to Asmara. Kongo would not return to Sudan for 26 years.

*****

The aisles of Portland’s Hannaford supermarket are brimming with food. Kongo is in the cereal aisle, leaning into his shopping cart as he makes his way to the back of the store to pick up a carton of orange juice. He moves through the store slowly, methodically.

In the meat section, Kongo recognizes a West African immigrant in his late 30s. They shake hands and the man asks him about another member of the Sudanese community. Kongo explains that there have been two untimely deaths in the man’s family. The conversation switches directions, and the man says he knows of some jobs opening up at a local plant. He asks Kongo if he can pass the information on to the Sudanese community. “No problem,” Kongo replies.

Moving on to a new aisle, Kongo adds a box of tea and a package of sliced banana bread to his cart before heading to the customer service desk to send a remittance to his niece in Cairo, Egypt — the real business of his visit to Hannaford. Kongo’s niece and her three children, like many displaced Sudanese, are waiting in Egypt for their refugee status to be confirmed by the United Nations so that they can be accepted to a new home, most likely the United States, Canada, or Australia.

Kongo takes a Western Union slip from a pile and squints to read the instructions; he left his glasses at home. He leans on the table, his head close to the slip. After carefully filling out the form, he takes it up to the counter. “You’re missing a section,” says the young man. Kongo walks back to the pile of slips, takes another, and fills out the missing section.

Back at the counter, while Kongo waits in line, some change drops out of his pocket. “Sir,” a man behind him says, and points to the ground. A large smile flashes across Kongo’s face. He bends over to pick it up. “Thank you,” he says, before turning forward and resuming his stoic expression.

At the counter, the man looks over the form again. Everything seems to be correct this time. He spells out the name aloud while Kongo listens to make sure the money goes to the right person. “One hundred dollars,” Kongo says. “No, one hundred and twenty dollars.” The man turns to enter the information in his machine. “One hundred dollars for her rent deposit, twenty dollars for pocket money. One hundred dollars there is like five hundred dollars here.”

*****

The Kongo family lived in Cairo in 2000. They were four of the more than 414,000 displaced Sudanese there, many awaiting emigration to an unknown new home. Rose was the first to get a job, so she worked while Kongo stayed home with their young daughters.

Displaced persons seeking refugee status are required to register with the U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees within a week of arrival. After Kongo registered, he was given a date and time to return for an interview. He would need to provide the reason he fled Sudan and give evidence that he could not return. While many spend years awaiting refugee status, it did not take long for Kongo. His was an obvious case.

After escaping Sudan in 1963, Kongo lived in several East African countries, graduating from high school and then working for various firms before becoming the chief executive officer of a logistics company in Uganda. The company handled all of the exports for Uganda during a coffee boom, and Kongo reaped the benefits: cars, a driver, and a staffed house. But despite the plush life he had made for himself in Uganda, Kongo yearned to return to Sudan, his home.

So in 1989, three years after marrying Rose, Kongo moved his family to Juba, the capital of southern Sudan, about 100 miles from his native Yei. He accepted a position as a relief and agricultural coordinator for Sudan Aid, a nongovernmental organization working with internally displaced people in southern Sudan during the height of the second civil war. As government soldiers shelled the towns of southern Sudan, scores of people made the journey to Juba to live in camps on the outskirts of town. Kongo arranged for aid to be distributed within the camps.

Then in 1999, without warning, Kongo was arrested and charged with aiding the rebels. He adamantly denied the charge, but was sent to a detention center anyway. Government officers interrogated him about his alleged involvement with the rebels. Interrogations in the prison involved psychological intimidation, beatings, and pressure holds. Kongo sustained a back injury that would not be treated until he reached the United States over a year later. The pain still has not totally subsided. Kongo refused to admit to a crime he had not committed, but the interrogations continued with no formal trial.

While he was imprisoned, Sudan Aid and the Catholic Church worked on his behalf. Their efforts paid off, and he was released a month after he entered prison, on the condition that he never reveal the details of his stay. He continues to keep his silence.

Knowing that he could be arrested again at any moment if he remained in Sudan, Kongo fled to Egypt with his family, leaving on a train in the middle of the night. After a year in Cairo, they were accepted into the United States and arrived in Portland on January 31, 2001.

*****

It’s Saturday night, and Portland’s many restaurants are full of patrons. As the night wears on, the tiny bars on Congress Street and the large, popular ones in the Old Port begin to fill up. Bands take the stage and music escapes through doorways into the cobbled streets.

Kongo sits on one of the couches in his living room. He leans back, letting his right leg extend straight out in front of him, his bare feet resting on the carpet. News from CNN flashes across a large-screen TV sitting prominently on a wooden entertainment center. Rebels in Darfur have scored a major victory against government soldiers in Sudan. Kongo watches attentively. With little time to read, he has turned to CNN to stay informed and learn about politics.

In the spring, Kongo’s political skills were put to the test when the Maine legislature considered a bill to divest the state’s retirement funds from Sudan. The Sudanese government uses much of its revenue for military expenditures, meaning that money invested in Sudan indirectly funds weapons used in Darfur. At the time, Maine had more than $50,000,000 invested in companies doing business in Sudan.

Several members of the Maine House and Senate were reluctant to vote in favor of the bill, so Kongo got in his Dodge sedan and drove to Augusta, the state capital, to lobby with other Sudanese refugees on behalf of the bill. He spoke to the opponents, explaining the situation in Sudan. He made the drive three times. Later, when the bill came to a vote, it passed unanimously. In April, Kongo was invited to stand beside Governor Baldacci as he signed it into law.

Kongo calls to Nancy, who is in another room doing homework while her older sister watches TV. She opens the door, and R & B follows her out of the room. Kongo asks her in Arabic to put on hot water and make a cup of Milo, a chocolate drink popular in the developing world.

“In the time I’ve been in the United States,” Kongo says, “I have never once been to a beer bar. I have never had one beer outside of my home. There just isn’t any time.”

Nancy returns with a cup of Milo on a saucer, and sets it down on the coffee table in the center of the room. Rose is working at Maine Medical Center until 1 o’clock tonight, assisting doctors in the emergency room. Nancy returns to her room through the kitchen. The girls do not like CNN, so they usually watch their own TV while Kongo takes in the world’s events by himself. Sometimes, particularly when professional wrestling is on, they all sit together in the living room and watch.

Across Portland, on Munjoy Hill and in Kennedy Park, Sudanese children are watching Egyptian movies on satellite TV; they are watching American sitcoms with their siblings, and they are playing games with neighborhood friends. Their parents are coming home from work, or are heading out the door on their way to work, or are in the next room studying for a college class. Some are sitting next to their children, telling stories. There are moments of relaxation.

“I’m becoming too old to work on my feet all the time,” Kongo says meditatively. “Perhaps I will go back to school. Political science. Or maybe economics. You need a degree to work in an office in this country.” There’s a pause, and then a smile. “I might start my own business. I ran a transportation business before, in Africa. I could buy a truck, an 18-wheeler. I know a man who would drive it.”

Tomorrow evening at 6 o’clock, Kongo will pull on his work boots and drive to Hassan Ahmed’s house to pick him up. The two will then drive to Spencer Press and start another workweek. Kongo will stand at his computer terminal for another 12 hours, moving rolls of paper into the production line.

For now, though, he sits back on his couch and contemplates the possibilities.

Kyle Boelte and Anna M. Weaver are documenting Sudanese refugee life on four continents. More information can be found at www.acrossfourcontinents.org.

 

Solving the meth “puzzle”

Nick Reding’s Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town explores one of middle America’s “great escapes.”

 

Like other psychoactive drugs, methamphetamine provides a powerful form of escape from what may be a grim reality, acting on our neurotransmitters to make us feel happy, even euphoric. Long overlooked by the media and a law enforcement community preoccupied with fighting the “war” on crack cocaine, and stereotyped as the drug of bikers, truckers, and blue-collar workers, it finally grabbed headlines in the middle of this decade amid evidence of a meth epidemic in the United States. Congress passed the Combat Meth Act in 2006, cracking down on distribution of pseudoephedrine, a precursor chemical for meth production, and the George W. Bush administration’s drug czar confidently declared that the United States was winning the “war” on meth.

But as journalist Nick Reding graphically shows in Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town, an exhaustive study of the meth epidemic in the United States, the drug has sunk deep roots, particularly in the rural heartland of the nation, where it has moved into the vacuum left by the decline of the farm economy, shredding the social fabric of communities from Iowa to Idaho. The “real story” of meth, Reding says, “is as much about the death of a way of life as it is about the birth of a drug.”

Reding’s first book, The Last Cowboys at the End of the World, explored the fading rural culture of Chilean gauchos. In Methland, he zooms in on one particular small town — Oelwein, Iowa (population: 6,700) — as a “metaphor for all of rural America and its problems.” There, as elsewhere, he says, the meth epidemic has evolved “in lockstep” with the rise of Big Pharmaceuticals, Big Agriculture, and the major Mexican drug trafficking organizations (DTOs), which have, to a large extent, taken over meth production from “Beavis and Butthead” producers cooking up meth in their bathtubs.

In Oelwein, Reding views the meth epidemic through the eyes of several citizens, including a doctor, a prosecutor, the mayor, and the police chief, who are all battling in their own way for the town’s survival. Mayor Larry Murphy, for example, embarks on an ambitious economic redevelopment initiative, while Chief Jeremy Logan cracks down on local meth cooks. But Reding’s encounters with long-term local addict Roland Jarvis, who burned off his much of his skin when the meth lab in his home exploded, are the most haunting.

“At thirty-eight, Jarvis had become a sort of poster boy around Oelwein for the horrific consequences of long-term meth addiction,” he writes. “… He was always cold, he said, and hadn’t slept more than three hours at a time in years. His skin was still covered in open, pussing sores. He had no job and no hope of getting one.” Through Jarvis and another woebegone addict named Major in nearby Independence, Iowa, Reding suggests that meth is not so much a form of escape, but of imprisonment. “[W]ithout meth, Major found it impossible to feel, as he put it, ‘happy,’” he observes.

Other notable characters include Lori Arnold, the sister of comedian Tom Arnold and at one time a major meth dealer in her home state of Iowa. Arnold’s original suppliers were a pair of Mexican brothers in Southern California and, after getting a job at a meatpacking plant in Ottumwa, Iowa, she used illegal immigrants from Mexico to distribute meth supplied by the DTOs. In the illegals, Reding observes, the DTOs “had a built-in retail and distribution system that, because it is so hard to track, is all but impenetrable by law enforcement.”

Reding also finesses his way out of trouble when, in a chilling scene, he is confronted in an Oelwein bar by a paranoid meth user who suspects him of being a narc. “He said he’d be honest with me: he hated DEA [Drug Enforcement Administration],” he says. “Nor, he said, would it be any skin off his teeth to make sure I never came back to town again.”

Ultimately, Oelwein — which Jay Leno once called “possibly the worst place in the world” — is the key character in Methland, the resourcefulness of its inhabitants in the face of the meth scourge a tribute to the human spirit. Reding is less effective when he pans away from the town and discusses the macroeconomic forces behind the meth epidemic. He gets tangled up in the theories of post-Cold War thinkers Thomas P.M. Barnett and Moisés Naím, and indulges in a rather aimless detour to Algona, Iowa, simply because his father grew up there. “Earmarks” and “pork barrel spending,” he says at one point, are catchphrases that express the “depth and unhealthiness of the relationship between the federal government and major corporations” — when they are usually associated with the unhealthy relationship between lawmakers and their constituents.

But by the end of the book, Reding has circled back to Oelwein and makes it very clear that no matter what Bush drug czar John Walters said, the war on meth is not being won. “[C]learly there was still a lot of meth around town,” he says in describing his last visit to Oelwein, reporting that prosecutor Nathan Lein has not noticed a drop in meth-related cases. Local meth production may have fallen, but when asked what he’d do about the DTOs, Police Chief Logan replies, “Who knows?” As for the Combat Meth Act, Reding says, Congress made it “more of a guideline than an actual mandate, leaving specific interpretation to national governments.”
   
“Meth truly will never go away,” a former DEA agent tells Reding. “It can’t. It’s too big a piece of what we are.”

 

A soul with nothing up its sleeves

Five poems touching upon transcendence and escape.

 

Larry has left his body

Ladies and Gentlemen
Larry has left his body
it was not accidental
and no he did not die
doing it
he’s really not like that.

Truth, he meant to do it
not as some freak of nature
or pretending he is an angel
we know he is not
an angel that is.

No he simply left his body
a memorable liftoff
of an enthusiastic soul
hoisting by spiritual bootstraps
he uplifted himself
said it was better
than poetizing
like some kind
of spontaneous
exteriorization …

Lost magic

Did you see
the look
on her face
when I lifted
the poem out
of her hair
from behind
her ear
just a like
a magician
with lost coins
only this time
it was a poet
with lost magic

Dying without leaving a forwarding address

I seem to have died
and left no forwarding
address. This is inexcusable
none of my pals
know where
to find me.

As we pass from body to body
we need
to alert friends and relatives
where we
will turn up next
and who we just might be.

This should be a service
the post office would delight
in. People are dropping bodies
every day and they would
have a guaranteed income
sort of a next life
forwarding agent
the www.usps nextlife.com/.

We might also demand
a past life depository
a place to store our
worldly goods till
we come of age
once again.

We are holy

As I gaze
upon sacred
visage
it comes
to me
— we are holy
holy women
holy men
holy children.
All.

Why must we
wear saffron
shave our heads
in contrition
wear shabby clothing
or abstain from life
to be considered
pious?

We walk
upon consecrated
ground
in homes
hallowed
enough
for any god.

Rising
above the altar
I see
we are all holy
— never
to be desecrated
only to be bestowed
with beauty
and abundance.

Venture

A sculpture of sand
as souls conspire …

— a spiritual venture

haze removed
not forgotten
destiny forgiven.

Bound to earth
no more
they climb vistas
swing from stars
and ride unicorns
into the sunset.

personal stories. global issues.