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Human infants are uniquely fragile at birth. Many animals, such as deer, horses, cattle, and elephants, are able to stand and walk within hours of their birth. Other animals, like dogs, cats, and bears, are born naked and blind, but grow quickly and reach maturity in a year or two. Because humans have such an extended childhood, the bonds between parents and children are far more developed and far more important than in most animals.
In this issue, we feature stories that explore this bond. We begin with Venkat Srinivasan’s look at undocumented African immigrants and the sacrifices these parents make for their children in Skilled undocumented workers in New York City. Bob Lee shares his reflections on fatherhood in the wake of the birth of his second child in Fatherhood = salvation. We also get a look at the life of a mother and son who live on the streets of Hanoi, Vietnam with Ehrin Macksey’s visual essay Simple happiness.
In Travels with Pa, Nancy Antonietti takes us with her as she accompanies her maternal grandfather back to Sicily for the first time since he left at 16. Colin Wilcox shares three poems in his collection Landscapes. Finally, Emma Kat Richardson brings us to China with her review of Susan Jane Gilman’s Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven.
Of course, as with all things, there are exceptions to the rule of the nurturing parent. For every story of sacrifice, there is another story of abuse and neglect. Some children find the world to be a frightening, abusive place, and their mothers and fathers to be the source of many of these problems. Because their first relationship, their attachment to their parents, is so dysfunctional, every subsequent relationship they form is often also dysfunctional. In this way, abuse and neglect become a recurring issue and are passed down from generation to generation. It is a reminder of just how important the bonds between a parent and child really are.
Aaron Richner I am a writer/editor turned web developer. I've served as both Editor-in-chief and Technical Developer of In The Fray Magazine over the past 5 years. I am gainfully employed, writing, editing and developing on the web for a small private college in Duluth, MN. I enjoy both silence and heavy metal, John Milton and Stephen King, sunrise and sunset. Like all of us, I contain multitudes.
Vietnamese culture dictates that when a man and a woman get married, the wife leaves her own family behind and relies on her husband for security and support. If the husband no longer is able to provide shelter and food for his wife, his extended family is responsible for taking her in.
But cultural norms can be malleable depending on circumstance. When Ly Thi Mui’s husband went into psychiatric treatment, her in-laws blamed her for their son’s mental problems. Instead of supporting Mui, her husband’s family kicked her out of their home.
Mui and her son, Pha, have been living on the streets of Hanoi, Vietnam since 2002.
Even though Mui and Pha face many difficulties and have very little means to survive, they try to keep a positive outlook on their life together. They find happiness in the love and companionship they offer each other.
Photographer Ehrin Macksey followed Mui and Pha in June, 2007, capturing their lives on the streets. The following photo essay documents their moments of happiness and struggle.
In 2009, Mui reunited with her husband, and the family now lives in a house near the Red River. Mui and Pha continue to play in the river, and are much happier and healthier than they were before.
[Click here to view the slideshow]
Before my first son Seth was born in 2006, a friend told me, “You’ll be sleep-deprived until he reaches age four.” Then I heard this gem from a coworker: “Forget about getting back into shape because you won’t have time for yourself until he leaves for college.”
Of all the things I read and heard as I prepared for fatherhood, those are the two I remember most distinctly. So far they are both somewhat true, although sleep and exercise have steadily improved over the past two-and-a-half years.
That may change again because my wife just delivered our second son, Avery, this week. What little pockets of rest and energy I’ve been able to find are now being consumed by round-the-clock care for the infant while trying to entertain a hyperactive two-year-old on the verge of potty-training.
Don’t get me wrong. I am ecstatic to be a father. I let my wife Cara know early on that I was ready as soon as she was. I had a late start — Seth was born shortly after I turned 35 — and I felt that I only had a limited amount of time to establish a family while I was still relatively young and spry.
We’ve just returned from the hospital with Avery, and it’s amazing how much less stress there was this time. Maybe we were just very fortunate, but I think a little more experience at parenting has to be partly responsible. Not as many mysteries and fears fill your mind when you’ve already been through a 25-hour labor. This one was 16 hours — still no picnic — but with considerably less drama.
Now that I’ve been through these life-altering events twice, I’ve made three discoveries that I never saw in parenting books or on TV (disclaimer here that most men, I’m fairly certain, do much less studying and preparation before having children than women do):
This last realization was, by far, the most profound for me. It washed away so many “what-ifs” and regrets about my past. Having that peace of mind was an unexpected relief after many years of second-guessing career paths and beating myself up over failed relationships. For someone who has struggled with depression throughout his life, this was a much-needed calming influence.
Even though I may be sleep-deprived for the next few years and may never get back into shape, I am finally happy on a consistent basis. In addition to my wife, I have two sons who give everything in my life much more purpose and meaning.
Some may find those salvations in other places: religion, their professions, humanitarian work. But what makes me see things more clearly, what makes me strive to be a better person, and what makes me more fully appreciate the here and now, is fatherhood.
Amid the relative warmth with which China embraced the outside world during the 2008 Olympic Games, it was easy to forget what travel within that country used to be like. Just a couple of decades earlier, China was about as welcoming to foreigners as a Florida swamp full of half-starved crocodiles.
The country’s impenetrability, of course, made it appealing to adventure travelers, many of whom turned their experiences into books. One online bibliography published before the Olympics lists no fewer than 14 titles, ranging from Paul Theroux’s Riding the Iron Rooster to Colin Thubron’s Behind the Wall: A Journey Through China. Now comes Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven, a quirky addition to the genre by a writer who, unlike a Theroux or a Peter Hessler (River Town), was neither a seasoned adventure traveler nor a Sinophile when she visited China in 1986.
In fact, Susan Jane Gilman didn’t speak a word of any Chinese tongue, was armed with only a Lonely Planet guidebook, and she and her equally clueless travel companion, Claire, had dreamed up the trip during a less-than-sober 4:00 a.m. meal at an International House of Pancakes (IHOP).
“Neither of us had ever traveled independently before or been to a country where we couldn’t speak the language,” Gilman recalls. “The farthest west I’d ever been, in fact, was Cleveland. Nonetheless, we became convinced that we should not only embark on an epic journey, but begin someplace incredibly daunting and remote, where none of our friends had ever set foot before … At that point, Communist China had been open to independent backpackers for about all of 10 minutes.”
Undress Me is a follow-up of sorts to Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress, Gilman’s best-selling memoir about growing up with eccentric parents on Manhattan’s Upper West Side in which she displayed a streak of self-deprecating, tongue-firmly-in-cheek sassiness. There’s plenty of sassiness in Undress Me too, albeit tempered with a sense of the grotesque as Gilman plunges ever deeper into the chaos and unfamiliarity of China.
She gets a nosebleed — and a dose of reality — as soon as she and Claire step off the plane in Hong Kong. “The reality of how utterly alone we were was starting to hit me; the loneliness of it was sonic,” Gilman writes. “We could disappear or die here — who would even care? It was, I realize, a Copernican moment. For perhaps the first time in my life, it became viscerally clear to me just how little I mattered, just how much I was not in fact the center of the universe. It was a swift kick to the gut.”
The book goes on to describe menacing Communist officials, life-threatening illness and disease, lack of nutrition, a language barrier as large and imposing as the Great Wall itself (“All the signs, of course, were in Chinese … It was as if a computer glitch had converted everything into dingbats, squiggles, and glyphs … It made me feel brain damaged”), and ultimately, a Heart of Darkness-type descent into madness.
Food is always a challenge: “[I]n the poor nation of one billion, the Chinese ate things we average Americans found repulsive. At the Pujiang Restaurant, ‘chicken’ consisted of feet, necks, and chopped-up spinal columns; ‘pork’ meant bone shards with strings of fat clinging to them; ‘beef’ was tendons, joints, and gristle.” As for sanitation, Gilman spares no details for those of us who’ve always wondered what it’s like to use a public squat toilet.
The better travel memoirs, though, are as much about the writer’s self-discovery as about the discovery of a place. And Gilman does “find” herself through the reflective, red-tinted gaze of China. She shows her inner resourcefulness in an encounter with Chinese officials who come to her hotel room after Claire, stricken with mental health problems, disappears into the Chinese wilderness.
“When a stranger arrives announced on your doorstep in the middle of the night accompanied by the military police, many people, I suspect, would get nervous and demand to contact their embassy,” she writes. “I am smack in the middle of a communist country known for its human rights abuses and political torture. Amazingly, in my fatigue and disorientation, I simply wave them inside like the hostess at a Tupperware party.”
There’s also a hint in the book that Gilman’s progression from frightened foreigner to resourceful heroine mirrors China’s transition from dark and gloomy authoritarian stronghold to emerging free-market competitor. When she visited the country, reform policies were improving the standard of living, especially for urban workers and farmers. In December 1986, students, taking advantage of the political thaw, protested the slow pace of reform. The backlash that came three years later in Tiananmen Square could not stop the momentum of modernization.
In an epilogue, Gilman evokes the extraordinary pace of change. One woman named Lisa, whom she meets on her 1986 backpacking adventure, was a picture of abject misery, apparently condemned to “endlessly washing dishes for her husband, serving beer to foreigners.” But 20 years later, when Gilman revisits China, the same woman “has gone from being a young waitress with a pink hair ribbon to one of Yangshuo’s preeminent entrepreneurs. Today she owns and runs two guesthouses and a restaurant, and she and some American business partners are finalizing a development deal for a four-star hotel. When President Bill Clinton came to Yangshuo in the late ’90s, Lisa was not only part of the delegation who welcomed him, but the proprietor who served him what he declared to be ‘the best coffee in Yangshuo.’”