Fiction & Poetry

 

 

Dialect

I know they look when we walk.

I know they look when we walk
at your flattened eyes, lidless, pressed to a porcelain skull.
We walk to the temple, gritty gods arched —
on the sphered gray cheeks of the sky.
 
I stare at you, wondering if they will let us pray.
Me with my yellowed plasma, of banana peel and saffron dust
and you, with skin too ivory to be from Myanmar.
They sneer “tourists,” with lips contoured
like diseased roots.
 
This home my home.
The man’s hand slips under the Formica counter.
I grab my mother and her porcelain hand.
But he only bobs his head to a cultural swing —
tha thai tum tha thai. Breathe.
 
Camphor clings to our geometric figures.
We pass
in bevelled shapes
to a dialect I know in a tongue I do not have.
 
“Everything looks good on white,” said the licorice dark man.
I am standing with my father
culturally indistinct in a thready cotton kurta.
The man is slick sap and adhesive words.
 
He offers the plastic parcel to me.
I take it.
I take the parcel, damp from his black amber hands.
“Everything looks good on white.”
There is a curl to his letters
a spicy twist
softening the peeling syllables of
a slurred perspective.
 
The sari inside is flamingo pink.
A tawdry scarf, slapped with the tourist’s price.
My father haggles.
The licorice man grabs my wrists
showing the custard skin beneath.
“Everything looks good on white,” he declares.
The price is final.

 

Romance and reminiscence

Past loves remembered (and relived) through four poems.

The poet says:
Romantic relationships have played an important role throughout a good part of my life, so they’ve naturally evolved into fodder for many of my poems. Who doesn’t think at some point about that old love never forgotten or wonder why one relationship worked, yet another fell apart. Perhaps one advantage of growing older is that I’ve sampled “the good, the bad, and the ugly” and survived to write about it. The poems in this selection represent more of the yearning end of the spectrum, but carry content I feel many women (and men) identify with.

City of forgiven whores

 

In this city
where birds fly upside
down, and sadness is a welt
made by a raindrop, he comes to me.

He speaks of sleep-talking dreamers,
whores dunked by blind preachers,
then kisses me like when we were young.

I tug him inside
and we soar till our wings melt —
two candles, burnt to the nub
of a universe rebuilding.

We fall past old gods
converted to new ways of seeing
into the clear cleansing river of Eros
that finally Huck Finns us away.

Colorless rooms
 
 

In the lineup of old lovers,
he never appears,
yet he was the one who peeled back my skin,
slipped fingers beneath breastbone.
Odd, his disappearance, when a decade
of heart thumps had to pass
before flesh closed and healed.

I wonder if his next love remembers.
 
Maybe those men who once slung their arms
’round our necks, painted hieroglyphs with lips
on our breasts, wake now in colorless rooms,
bewildered to find no woman beneath them.
Maybe they remember a dimming face,
a distant laugh … a sigh,
& dream of those days when their hands
still forged fingerprints into the hollows of time.

Eruptions

 

Does any woman never imagine
running into that special old lover —
her Olympian God
her angel we have heard on high,
the one who climbed into her heart
so deeply he split it?
 
His touch rocked my seismic meter off scale,
this man who still walks into my dreams
occasionally.
 
He gave me a tart-red sexy hat;
                  nightly earth shakes.
Like Jericho, my walls fell apart. 
 
He lives twenty minutes away.
That many years since I last saw him.
 
I tremble sometimes when I run to the pharmacy
or health food store.
What if he’s there?
Will my heart bleed all over the soy and chick peas?
 
An aging woman, in a splattered tee
making a fool of herself
all over again.

 
Blowing it

 

We always say
we were happier ‘back then,’
bum broke, closets bare
as a beggar’s pockets,
making love on the floor,
sprung sofa, that
Salvation mattress,
spooning together all night,
but we still glutton stuff
as salaries go up, buy
fancy dresses, silk ties,
CDs we don’t play,
throw out more food
than those starving
children in China could
eat in a year, sleep
in our expensive four-poster
not touching;
too fat with sate
to want.

 
 

 

The end of the song

I was sly to tie him; I was strong to hide him ...

The men from Dono’s clan, broad-shouldered and surly, squashed the words between their teeth, and the mere hissing sound left others guessing what had to be obeyed. But they all obeyed Dono. His wish was law. Everyone was shattered under it. At the age of 25, he became the chieftain of the carters of the whole district, and made it clear that he would not endure dissension or disturbance. Dono gathered all his men and, watched by hundreds of eyes, broke the former chieftain’s right hand. The thieves who terrorized the caravans of carts in the Slavic gorge near Sofia were scared out of their wits; a day later, Dono set fire to their homes.
   
One of the thieves, thin and tall like a lamp post and nicknamed Hunchback, became Dono’s groom. The man’s back was crooked; his shoulders were bony and drooping. Hunchback was Dono’s servant and had sufficient nerve to stare at his patron’s face, flooding it with hatred of his black, glowing eyes. Dono found perverse pleasure in egging on Hunchback’s venom; it bespoke weakness, so apparent and tangible, that it had driven Hunchback’s eyes deep into his skull; a thick and lasting impotence that the chieftain could play with.

Woe to Hunchback if Lisso, Dono’s horse, did not jump when the patron caught sunbeams in a mirror and sent them to the shining back of the stallion. Woe to the servant if a single hair of the horse’s tail was entangled with another. Dono knew that his servant’s name was Boris, but never called him by it. “Hunchback!” he shouted, and while the long scraggly man shuffled his bones to answer the call, the chieftain beat the heel of his shoe with a thin willow branch. Black would turn the day for Hunchback if the branch hit the heel of the shoe more than three times.
   
For the past two months, Boris had taken care of Vecka, the chieftain’s wife. She couldn’t stand on her feet. All women from Dono’s clan became ugly a year or two after their weddings. They turned into speechless brooms; canvas sacks from which the young carters elbowed their way into the world. Dono had chosen motherless Vecka on purpose, so that no one would ask after her. For who, Dono thought, would care anything about one snotty brat among 11 others? Her father? Not likely. The old pouch would kiss his feet if the chieftain threw him a coin.
   
Dono did not need a wife’s love; he had squandered passion and jealousy on numerous beauties in Sofia, and got tired of it. He did not need a wife for his bed; the carters’ chieftain could have the best girl in the district. Yet Dono wanted a wife for his house — to make the windows shine and to remove every speck of dust from the floor. He wanted a son from her. He wanted her hands to sweep his stables and her eyes to smile at his guests. He had no relish for talking with her. His wife had to resemble the thieves from the Slavic gorge at whom he took shots with his gun; eight feet away from them he stood, aiming at the forehead. Then Dono could feel his power, which was enormous and straight, like a road without an end.
     
He could never feel that way when Vecka was near him. Coming back home every day, her voice rolled over him: “I was sly to tie him; I was strong to hide him …” It didn’t sound like a song; it did not utter words like a human voice. Not a song, but a tremendous roaring whirlwind threshed through his yard, dashed down the hill, tearing away the roofs of his cousins’ houses, jarring upon his ears, setting his thoughts on fire. He wriggled like a worm with shame. Shame! She made him ashamed! He, Dono, the boss, before whom all carters knelt dumb and tractable! The chieftain, whose word was stronger than the law, the man who possessed more power than the mayor, was made into a fool and a laughingstock. His father had bequeathed all the land of the family to Dono, though he was the youngest of the five brothers. Vecka, his wife … At the very sound of her name he seethed with anger. Year in, year out, she gave birth to girls and filled his house with female rubbish. Whenever he approached his home he could hear her shouting that goddamn song.
   
Rarely, Dono got so enraged that he beat her with his belt. At such moments he tried to imagine her shrieks flooding the quiet houses of his native hamlet and all his cousins would be convinced that he wore the trousers, not Vecka. She thrust her apron in her mouth to stifle the sounds of pain, so he tore up the apron. She then bit the hems of her skirt; he tore up the skirt as well. She learned to bite her fists. Dono could not make her scream. It was the swishing of the belt and Hunchback’s bent figure by the door that gave the sign to the villagers that Dono was teaching his wife to respect silence. And always when the swishing ceased, broken and smashed, as slowly as an ant, a song clambered through the window: “I was sly to tie him; I was strong to hide him …” Then Hunchback’s shallow eyes burned.

Dono didn’t strike his wife beyond a certain point, for he did not wish to waste his youth in jail. When he went out, the noise of his steps still echoing in the lane, his four daughters quietly crooned “I was sly to tie him …,” their voices twisted into a rope that knotted the whole house. At such times, Dono did not feel like lingering at home. He caught sunbeams in a mirror and sent them to the back of the horse, then master and stallion vanished down the road to the pub. Hunchback stood motionless at the door.
   
Once, as Vecka’s stifled sobs made the house split with pain, the servant approached her and offered her some wet rags. He was ashamed to watch how the woman put them on her bruised shoulders. He had seen only her naked arm. It did not look like an arm of a woman; its skin resembled a dry stick with a peeled bark. Yet his shallow eyes saw it otherwise; they swept away the scars, and Vecka’s hand appeared tender and white: the fingers that gave him lunch every day swam before Hunchback, enveloping him with fragrance and peace. Every single patch of land where the woman had stepped seemed to whisper her name.
   
Dono’s mother was never young. When his father got on for 50, he imagined he was no good as a carter anymore and sold his horses. But instead of buying a chandler’s shop as he had hinted earlier, the old goat took a young girl and disappeared. It was rumored that the couple escaped to Greece, and when Dono’s father came back dragging the girl after him and looking boldly at people who lowered their eyes, Dono thought he would kill him. His mother died shortly after that, and Dono could not learn the end of the tale she had begun telling him in his childhood, the only tale he had ever heard.
   
The chieftain detested his memories because every time he let them flood back, he compared Vecka to his mother. Well, his mother was never beaten; she was a drooping heap of decay by the fireplace, and the only sound that compelled her to stir and move about uneasily was the delicate tap-tap of his father’s fingers on the table. “I was sly to tie him; I was strong to hide him …” Was it so? Against his own will, Dono sometimes crooned that song. Vecka’s voice was stronger than his hatred. He never listened further, for that would mean he was an inferior man.
   
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when Vecka cut Lisso’s tail. The horse’s tail that no money could buy! That horse was the only living thing Dono had ever prayed for in his life; Lisso was his friend, the only being that could understand him. The stallion knew everything: Dono’s disgrace in having no son; his panic that some day his chieftain’s hand would not hold firm, and a pert youngster would come and break it, as Dono himself had done to the former chieftain. And his vixen wife had stunted his best friend; the horse with a velvety hide and deep brown eyes that spoke to Dono’s soul, “You are not only a master to me. You are my road, my water, my life. No foul money stands between us. No lies.”
        
Vecka had cut Lisso’s tail! She had destroyed that wild silver whirlwind. No, Dono would never forgive her.
   
How could his father order around his mother, the old grey woman, forcing her to work and toil until every single saucer and piece of furniture shone? When the house was clean, she would squat in the corner, mute and unnecessary like a pair of old shoes. Dono was richer than his father, 10 times richer. So why didn’t the carter break the brown porcelain cup from which his wife drank milk in the morning? Why, Lisso?
   
He’d show her!

The moment before the iron clasp of the belt hit Vecka’s grey dress, someone clutched at Dono’s throat. “I cut the tail!” Hunchback, the servant, was looking at him with his shallow wild eyes.

“You?” the carter hissed back, “You?”

“I cut it.” said the hunchback.

“No!” Vecka shouted. “I did it.”

“Who cut Lisso’s tail!” Dono demanded.

“I!”

“I!”

The voices of his wife and Hunchback roared out together. Dono could hear nothing more. His four daughters were looking through the window like four drab mice. Dono didn’t care. He could hear Hunchback’s husky voice singing: “I was sly to tie him, I was strong to …”

“Stop, please, Boris, stop!” his wife shouted.    What? What did she call him? Boris? That hunchback! That wretch! Boris!

Vecka began singing again. The bitch. The bitch! Her grey dress. Her loathsome dress. Hit it! Trample on it!

Don’t sing any more, eh? What about you, little Boris? You rag!
   
When Dono approached the pub, he imagined he could hear their voices twisted into a knot: “I was sly to tie him …” The song pressed down on him, his breath rasped on his lips. The carter let his horse go and lay down on the yellow grass in the sunburnt field. The hot noon sky reeled and touched the earth that was scorching in the late yellow summer.

 

Out of the egg yolk shavings of an emperor

200805_imagine3.jpgAnd other reflections on two of the oldest cities on Brazil’s northeast coast.

her children
one day she stopped at the market
where her old lover once had a stand
the lolling red of tomato
the serenade of bell pepper
the seduction of cilantro and cashew fruit
o! what a time they had!
         as curfew came and passed
         she found the
         sidewalk again
it was not too difficult
it was right where she had
left it that one day
         so many years before
         when the sirens came out
         and the vegetables
         learned to grow in
         the colors of march
no, it was not too difficult
and when she picked up
her feet
they were
         they were her
         children
tall children
         though not quite
as tall as they used to be


 
 

you would not recognize her
she is a hurricane filter
a richter scale
the contents of a secret bag
hidden in a lingerie drawer of
planned confession and
careful compromise
 
inside her right hand
she carries a prepaid response
inside her left a change purse
of identities
 
she blows leaves to the
air as she walks
on her mind
a list of casualties
in her stride
a pen to check
unopened boxes
 
you would not
recognize her
 
in her hair
an army of lice and
city pollution
in her shorts
a brigade of
tourists with foreign accents
 
she is a fire escape
a mathematician
a physicist
a politician
a pressure cooker of unchained recipe
and the doubled-over flags of pride
 
in the stretch of her trunk
golden lava fresh from the
core of the earth
 
in the bough of her arms
each revolution the moon
dreamt of and was denied 

 

 
thirty days later
thirty days later
he moves thick feet in hot mud
he was once an orphan
but is no longer
 
now, he is a crab drifting
inside his brother’s hat
 
This, he says, is not the river  —
it is water
 
a hat in a river that runs
counter current or on its side
far from people who run
along the shore peering into
the water in search of crabs or
orphans or young men named Carlos
 
“Bet you can’t swim across
that river, Carlos.”
 
“You bet I can!”
thirty days later
he is a crab drifting
in a hat where his brother
still swims upstream
in defiance
                 far from
that place called
forward where
boats carry lies to
no family with no home
to receive them
 

 
his meteors, his sea
he is not a man anymore
he is the ocean at midnight
high tide on low shore
a balcony of late-night conversation

in his body there is dark sky
light sand
red words —
words that curl
then unbend then curl
then unbend along
his infinite blackboard

he is the ocean behind him
he is the balcony in front of him
he is cigarette embers in a
dance of swirls and dashes

he is an ember
now neon lights
he is another
now meteor shower
he is a ball of dialogue
mixed with saltwater
and seaweed

he breathes
he pulls it all in
the balcony across the street
the ocean at his back
the sand below his feet
like a fishing boat of meteors at deep sea
 

 

out of the egg yolk shavings of an emperor
when i crawl out i will be a breaking weather system
i will crawl until i am a perfectly shaped round breast
in the center of my own hurricane oyster
again
when i crawl out
out of the staged battle
out of the conscious nightmares
out of the sleeping insomnia
out of the cold glaring nudity of your sun
i will be a monolith of marble swimming
a coliseum of the tide

i will crawl out
of the barred bottle
of the painted humility
of this note card and staple and paper clip monastery
out of the half-fried egg runny yolk of your vast shadow
your dominant violin tuning
your lampshade oppression
out of your bubble gum jealousies
and bottle opener teeth

out of your five-hundred ton fascist chains of government
and its innumerable unpredictable constitutions without constituents

and i will be, i will be, i will be — i will not hide
between creased pages anymore
i will not be an estranged compliment fallen
from the door hinge of an emperor
nor the violence of insult shavings on a chocolate cream pie
i will be white noise
the sound of static
the ocean in a shell on a beach in the ocean
and no matter how long you search amidst the sands
raking with your crab pinchers and your sting ray hands

you will never find me again

 

 

“the meek, the meek” and other poems

Four works of poetry that touch on and explore the themes of religion and politics.

 

the meek, the meek

i.
 
in him like the sewing needle of god’s mother; is lightning.
 
in you a koan.
 
ii.
 
now that she wants the surgery removed
they tell her
the womb
is a hook
that looks like a womb.
 
iii.
 
everywhere work.
stalks
pitch
 
the golden blood
of brooms.
 
iv.
 
mother in her rocker
her eyes
tire swings
her tongue
 
a cat’s tail.
 
v.
 
fourteen
my sister
martyrs herself
under the monkey
mad
in the stoplight.
 
vi.
 
in a church
hangs a coat
with a man
in it.
 
vii.
 
does not break loose
like they say
 
all hell.

visitation

the children
in a dry tub
     their shed clothes
tight
at the necks
of dolls.
 
     crash
of mother
in the kitchen
fathers
 
in different cars
aiming
for bottles.
 
god inhabits
a plaything
     separates
each finger.
 
the oldest
puts one hand
on his head
and forces it down.
 
the youngest
comes up for water.
 
the middle
child
 
on his way home
from school
yesterday
 
saw the devil
prying horns
from a tree
 
and felt very much alone.

mother, rewrites

she will claim

channel 7     1973

had
 both
  god

& static.

that from a hole
in the ceiling
a man’s mouth
whispered
then
spit

                at her
                on the couch.

she will
put you

on the prayer chain.  you will be watching tv

the phone will ring

                it’s William
                but you can call me Bill.

mother this is just.
mother this is just.  a way
 
of
keeping.

                you know
she stood there
with her military
man

and could feel
the baby
                so okay

with dying.

a precise kingdom

the thing inside

     a bullet my brother

made up. I shot you while you

slept.  then clicked his thumb

down.

**

      if you run away I will break

favorite

lines

      you speak of war.

**

alone, loaded up with light. in that room

the bus drove by.

     the baby’s head is orange the plastic

broken

arm of the most coveted

     toy

          also orange.

**

brother I understand

     this city named

you.  I ask the locals

     a better word          they hand me

license plates.

**

the bone car dead behind you.
the small

     unique

     body of your daughter
          back in the states.

you crush it, into your side, it stays

with you, it’s a fragile

spear.  badly made.

**

          it stays with you, a child’s tooth in the pillow.

     bite mark on a cloud.  dream of exit

before entering          the bar          where the local argument

is more about
how far you ran
with a headless

doll.

 

My pioneer

Women have no wilderness in them.

 

 

Grandma wore blue mascara
to chop dinner chicken heads. The women
cut her dead, those whispering farmwives.
 
To begin again, she tractored across the prairie
with sons and machines. Wheat fields waved in new opinion.
 
She named her girls after jewels & flowers.
Earmarking the exits for later, she harassed the neighbors
with metaphor.
 
Memories detach from surrounding tissue
as generations of us wait for our lovers.
When they show up, it’s never that great.
 
When Xmas candles ignite the fir tree
shall we remember only light and loveliness?
 
Hardscrabble landscapes breed hardsell seductions:
We stay, but we count on our talent for escape.

Author’s notes:
When I think of International Women’s Day, I remember my great-grandmother, Ida Arsby. She traveled from Norway to marry a man she barely knew, and farmed a parcel of land with him for years. They had 11 children. When her husband began to abuse her, accusing her of having affairs with the neighbors, she was so insulted, she left him. She was past 40 when she rode her tractor into Canada, accompanied by some of her children, and began to farm another parcel of land, this time on her own. That farm had oil on it.
 
I met her when she was 94. She still had blonde hair in her white braid, and bright blue eyes. I asked her what was most important in life. She told me, “Dignity, dear, is everything.”
— Cheryl Snell

 

Spin

This lie burns like a candle — at both ends.

[Click here to listen to the poem.]  

 

"Dreamscape" (Janet Snell) 

Artist’s notes:
The spiral staircase effect in "Dreamscape" may make a statement about circular thinking, or maybe it asks a more lyrical question about fantasy. The viewer has to decide. — Janet Snell

At dinner, he tells a lie. It flickers like a candle. It drizzles down its dazzle.
He tries to blow it out. It singes all his fingers. He reaches over to pinch its little wick,
but the lie won’t die. It opens to interpretation, gathers force, spreads like rumor,
hides and seeks. It can’t stop. No one will let it. It’s there on Thanksgiving at Uncle
Bob’s, Easter at Aunt Sylvia’s. It goes on for a day, a month, a year. A spotlight
hovers over it, search beams crisscross it. It begins to run. It passes over asphalt
and swamp, cell towers and landlines. Calls are dropped. The man wasn’t answering
anyway. The lie has confused him. It’s no longer the same. The ending has changed.
All of the details. Some of the names.

A peek inside the creative process
“Spin” got its legs after I tried it as a prose poem. Stanzas slowed it down where I wanted speed, and the block form let it find its own tempo. — Cheryl Snell

 

Outpatient

Healing hands and killing-fields.

[Click here to listen to the poem.]  

Artist’s notes:
“Therapy” shows a corseted head to represent bound-up, traumatic memories. A lot of my work has to do with disorganized thinking, or states of mind. — Janet Snell

From this…

"Outpatient," first draft.

to this…

Once he starts to talk, the therapist
goes on and on comparing the nutrition
in snake to jungle rat.
 
My head screams STOP, but I know he can’t.
 
His pupils dilate to drowning as he knuckles my spine,
and I call on the same God who abandoned his family
to a killing-field floor.
 
I only asked questions out of respect
for his accent. What else should I have done?
 
My gown had come untied. I offered up my stiff back 
in the room mapped with pain, severe with charts
of what can go wrong with a person.
 
Nobody I know, though of that I can’t be certain.
I’ve never recognized a man by his bones.

A peek inside the creative process
"Outpatient" came directly from my first meeting with a new physical therapist, a refugee from Biafra. I had to weed out many of my impressions of the room and the man to get to the heart of the poem, as you can see in the rough draft. — Cheryl Snell
 

 

He peels his love like an apple

All apples sweeten in the dark.

[Click here to listen to the poem.]  

 

"Romance" (Janet Snell) 

Artist’s notes:
“Romance” connects the man’s heart to the woman’s back because the woman often carries the burden of the relationship. I used blue and purple, because to me they are more erotic and unexpected than red and pink. — Janet Snell

The man wants the lady apple. 
It’s unripe, but he’s hungry now,
and there are plenty of other fruits
in the fridge.
 
All apples sweeten in the dark,
so it doesn’t matter which one
he chooses. Peel spirals below his knife.
He brings the flesh to his mouth.
 
A worm’s sudden slither is the last thing
he expects to see — the apple
hollowed out, juice running bitter
down his chin.

A peek inside the creative process
In “He peels his love like an apple,” I was aware of the danger of cliché, so I had the worm — that tiny serpent in the garden — make a surprise appearance in an unusual setting. — Cheryl Snell

 

A long time coming: love’s promise poem

A wistful verse about love, passion, and devotion, accompanied by a sound file of the same name.

 

Listen: Were there ever any doubt as to the way I loved you, dear, please note —
today at your doorstep I dropped chrysanthemums and one piece of lost and stolen
time, seven daydreams fashioned by hope, soft paper vellum, a groaning week in May,
and only the best of chance.
 
Yesterday, I missed you so deeply, my chest ached for your subtle sound echoing
through thick cartilage to reach me amplified, misted, sweet, and bold — longed
for you as I long for the taste of your tongue on mine or the subtle heat of your clothed
shoulder near.
 
It is regular, lately, how much I dream I kiss you, touch you, taste you where our
hearts can top each other, where fragile skin glides and collides. So, honest, love,
were there ever any doubt as how I love you, listen. Look: Today a man too many
years your senior stood
 
in line before me; but when I cemented your brain and heart to his frame, immediately,
I loved him, gazed at him adoringly, with hunger, wanting at once the span of his
short build to hang on mine, the touch of his white hair to brush my chest, and the absent
smile hid behind a frown
 
to reappear. Oh, la — I nearly invited him to visit my bed, that erstwhile ghost of you,
clamored for his presence in those places I most seek you, in dreamy night or the taste
of your tears: Listen, distant one: were there ever any doubt as to how
I love you, don’t doubt now. 
 
Let me find you in my sheets and heart’s swelled music at long last, where I would
always, with best intentions, lend you this heart’s expansion should you want it,
let it recreate your pulse — for though this may mean I’d lose it for a while,
watching lingeringly from remote
 
as it traveled past foreign shores and climes, I’d tell it never cease its love
for you, then kiss it goodbye, offering just one ready piece of advice on
love and loving: To be true to me, completely, it must
deny you nothing.

 

Independence

Within the freshness of new walls, your old self can be found again.

The floors creak a little.
On the walls I notice
nail holes and tiny fissures
from things just taken down.
 
Here, the door doesn’t
quite shut without slamming,
the bathroom has no
you, no table to hold
 
a piece of you in frames, just the hamper
and I, in a mirror hung too high
to see where your lies would
(often) hit below my belt.
 
Tonight, I have bought myself back
this way, with these new sights
of old rooms, old places but new keys
on my mantle. Mine. As if they
 
were new hands
on my face, on my waist,
new come-hither touches
waiting on air for me
 
in this quiet reverie
where I feel your absence
only barely and bleach all surfaces
knowing the true value of bleach,
 
is to evacuate germs, infections,
to rid the mind of old thoughts,
old places, old scents, old colors
ridden from my clothes like pictures
 
ridden from boxes. No, nothing
you own is here now. No messages. No
lost albums. No broken truths. Perhaps
it is strange to find solace
 
in these bare walls, to seek a clean
place without memories
in which to sterilize
my heart or my teeth;

perhaps some can let sit
other people’s tarnished things, wonder
if they’ll ever pick them up and wait
until the knowing of who
 
owned what would fade.
But I say, the color of
independence
is riddance, always white, white
 
white, white, white — like what,
in the bleach, your photo becomes
when the face dissolves away,
how the paper looks, peeling wet
 
then drifting
into grey skies, sheet-like and airy,
falling from the second floor window
where it is a marvel I even bother to
 
watch myself let it, or any
part of you, go.
Shame on me, I think,
that I should try so hard to see
 
an already fallen thing, fall.

 

Pawnshop heart

Stealing one’s heart back from a thief.

This is my long, lyrical love letter to the dullness of your soul; hear
the piano’s crescendo, the marching band, the three hyenas
waiting at the edge of the canyon near your house? Each day
I fed them lunchmeat and canned corn and rubbish, kept
them away from your door. Did that not mean something?
 
It was a service. Once, I owned my heart, before I sold it to you, but
now I see too late it went too cheaply. So, tell me, is your love for me
like a pawn shop downtown where I may buy or trade it back? Clearly,
you will cheat me, offer someone’s grandma’s lorgnette, a pair of stained hose,
maybe a cigar box, or a clock for what you paid me — and then
 
try to charge more to return it as you hold it, as it beats for me,
longing for me, seeing me — but I will not pay you then. Soon enough
I will go there at night for its rescue, break your storefront glass
like a burglar, steal it back, swallow it down my throat to land
again in my chest since it shrank so small
 
in your company it was more like a pill than a
palm tree, but my unanswered question will be: Will you
notice anything but broken glass
upon your return — the next day,
in your fugue, in your misery — (and)
 
later, when you find
you can’t have it back,
tell me,
will you even
know it gone?