“I don’t feel like the Xanax is working anymore,” I lied.

“You’re on an extremely high dose, but if you need more, I’ll up the dosage,” my shrink replied in disbelief, shaking his head.

A smile began at the corners of my mouth but I held it in; he couldn’t know the Xanax was my only source of joy, of pleasure. I was now on six milligrams of Xanax a day, twice the recommended maximum. I had long since moved up from the blue, football-shaped tablets to the slender white pills known as bars. Also a psychopharmacologist, my psychiatrist prided himself in his knowledge of drugs and dosages, yet I was playing him for a fool. I left his office clutching the prescription in my hand, hesitant to put it in my pocket, hesitant to let it out of my sight whatsoever.

It was a beautiful day. Staring across Fifth Avenue into the park, I was jealous of all the people seemingly having fun: Women pushing baby strollers and carrying their Louie bags, and men strutting around in suits. I wished I could be like them. I wished I could be “normal.” Instead, I was wearing dirty blue sweatpants, a long-sleeved shirt, and sneakers. My hair was greasy as all hell since I hadn’t showered in who knows how long. I usually didn’t go outside. I usually didn’t get out of bed. But for my monthly prescription of Xanax, there wasn’t much I wouldn’t do.

The subway home seemed to take forever; it always does when you’re waiting for something extra special at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t go to the pharmacy on my block because I once broke into a psychotic rage, accusing the pharmacist of insinuating that I was a crackhead after I’d finagled another prescription just days after filling the original. After popping the entire bottle in only a few days, I told my doctor the Xanax fell down the drain after I sat it on the sink. It was a sorry excuse.

I’d simply have to go to a pharmacy down Queens Boulevard, also known as the Boulevard of Death. I used to be an uppers girl, but that grew tiring after a while. Because of my bipolar disorder, I could get pretty high on my own brain chemistry. I preferred to take my daily maximum dosage of Xanax around 5 p.m., a few hours after I woke up. My depression killed me; I could not stand being aware. After taking the Xanax, I would return to my dream world for the remainder of the day. That was definitely better than being awake. Lying there, in that bed, in that dark room, in my dirty apartment. I stopped telling others how I felt. No one understood anyway, and I doubt anyone really cared. “Get a job,” “Go back to school,” and “Clean the apartment” were phrases I couldn’t bear to listen to any longer. What “they” failed to understand was that I couldn’t do anything. I was surprised every time I arose to take a shit, rather than simply doing it in bed. It was more than depression.

I threw up when I was forced to listen to my mother talk about how well her Prozac was working for her and how I just needed to find what drug would work for me. I wish I had her “depression.” Well, Mommy, I’ve been on every medication there is and none of them work for me. I vomited when I saw the Zoloft egg jumping around the television screen, talking about not feeling like “your old self.” I say “Fuck off” to my mother and the egg, and to my boyfriend, who is an uncaring bastard, to other family members, and even friends. Once they’ve been bedridden for five months, showering every other week and eating nothing, then I might take their well-meaning advice. I waited the obligatory half-hour to get my prescription filled, took 10 milligrams, and proceeded to slip into unconsciousness.

July

“Baby, please get up. It’s Fourth of July — let’s go to the beach,” my boyfriend urged. I remained motionless under the blankets with my eyes closed and thought about how much I hated him.

“You love the beach.” Reid was always pleading with me to do something, while reminding me of my interests. Rarely did I care to appease him. But that day, I tried. “We’ll smoke at the beach. Don’t get all ‘Xanied-out.”

“Your weed sucks,” I replied, which to him was the ultimate insult. I decided it was useless to shower since I was going to the beach. I really could care less that my legs were hairy, but drew the line at leaving the house looking like a French woman. When I looked in the mirror I saw my eyebrows were crying out to be waxed.

“Reid, I can’t go, I look like shit.” Whining had become the permanent tone of my voice.

“You look beautiful,” he yelled from the other room. Shut up, dickhead, I thought. I was infuriated since he hadn’t even looked at me.

I yelled, “Don’t say that to me. I look like shit!”

“You’re always beautiful. Hurry up!” I got incensed at him, yelling at me to hurry up, and since I hated him, I spat in his face when he entered the bathroom.

“Alexis! You have to control yourself!”

The notion that I could control myself was humorous and a foreign concept. Self-control was impossible even with the aid of numerous mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, anti- psychotics, and anti-anxieties. I felt nothing but intense anger. What caused this, I didn’t know, but I kept it at bay with Xanax.

Reid took me by the hands to comfort me, but I took everything out of context and felt, irrationally, that he was going to hurt me. We often took our constant fighting up a notch to physical confrontations. I began to scream for him to get off me, mixing in profanities at every available opportunity. I reminded myself of The Exorcist, and although I knew I was acting crazy, I didn’t know how to stop. My emotions, my mind, and the physiological aspect of my brain were all working on different pages. If I had been living with anyone else, I would have probably been committed to an institution. But Reid knew how much I despised mental hospitals, and he didn’t have the heart to admit me. Not yet at least.

After I had plucked my eyebrows to death for nearly an hour, I was ready to go. As soon as we arrived at Long Beach, I wanted to return to the apartment. The sun, the people, everything was too much for my tired brain to comprehend. I dragged myself out of the Honda Civic and languidly pulled myself to the beach. As Reid was setting up various blankets and towels, I retrieved a water bottle from my beach bag and shoved 8 milligrams of Xanax down my throat, relieved that in about 20 minutes I wouldn’t know what the hell was going on.

I opened my eyes to Reid, and was surprised to see he had a terrified look on his face. He was yelling at me, but I was foggy from the Xanax and everything took a few moments to register. Where was I? Unlike the bedroom, it was sunny and people were staring at me. Shit, I was at the beach.

Finally, I could distinguish Reid’s voice from all the ones chattering in my head. He was asking me what I took, but I was too exhausted to answer. “You have sauerkraut stuck all over you.” I slowly sat up and looked down. The sauerkraut had dried to crust in the sun and was stuck to the corners of my mouth, my chin, my chest and my hands. How did I do this? “You were eating a hot dog, I fell asleep, woke up, looked next to me, and there you were, looking like you were dead. I couldn’t wake you up.” Reid led me to the ocean, and we cleaned the crusty sauerkraut off my body together.

September

I had various corners pressuring me to attend school. I knew I was in no state to return, but I obliged. By now I had coerced my doctor into upping my Xanax to 8 milligrams a day. To the average person, 3 milligrams is the maximum, but I kept asking for more and the prescriptions kept coming. He was a very giving person, as he was seeing me for free. Usually the doctor charges $500 for 45 minutes. I couldn’t attend the full first week of classes. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my doctor. “I’m having trouble, a lot of trouble — it’s practically impossible. I can’t get out of bed for anything,” I explained. “It’s the depression part of the bipolar. You have a severe mental illness. Perhaps you shouldn’t have gone back to school. You really should consider returning to an institution. If you came to my hospital, I could keep a closer eye on you. I also think it’s time for you to consider electroconvulsive therapy for your condition.”

“Maybe at the end of the semester, but I need something now. I’m failing out of school. It’s my senior year.”

“Alright, I’ll give you a prescription for Adderall,” he said, with slight hesitation. “But once the semester’s over, you have to do something about yourself.” I left his office that day, and now I wonder why neither of us made the connection that I couldn’t get out of bed because I was on such a massive amount of Xanax.

I didn’t want to discontinue using it, but I secretly wished he would have forced me to stop. I thought I couldn’t get worse, but my descent into prescription drug addiction had only just begun. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was going on my ninth month in bed. I didn’t necessarily have the desire to get out yet, but I definitely didn’t like being confined there.

I didn’t know what I wanted; all I knew was that we had tried every single one of the “new generation of medications designed for mood disorders,” and none of them worked. He talked electroconvulsive therapy up like it was a miracle, and a miracle is what I needed. Too bad I didn’t believe in them. No one knew how deep and scary my depression had grown; even more frightening was the thought of the mania destined to come after.

By keeping myself drugged up, I could stave the mania off — the voices, the visions, and everything else that accompanied it. Suicide was a constant thought in my mind, but I didn’t want to hurt those around me, so I continued lying in bed and taking a shitload of Xanax.

It was only slightly after 2 p.m. when I got home from the city. I had a few hours until Reid was off work and about 20 minutes until my prescription was ready. I won’t lie and say I had the best intentions concerning the Adderall, but I didn’t let myself admit what I was about to do, until after I picked the drugs up from the pharmacy and was standing in front of the kitchen counter with a spoon in my right hand and the bottle of Adderall in my left.

The idea occurred to me as soon as my shrink mentioned the stimulant. I flirted with Ritalin my freshman year of college. My suitemate supposedly had Attention Deficit Disorder but didn’t want to take her medication. After a few months of living there, a friend and I discovered a stockpile of the uppers in her nightstand drawer. These came in handy on the eves of paper due dates and after long nights of partying. But the first time I tried coke — with coworkers in the now-deserted Pacific Sunwear on Sixth Avenue — well, that high turned the Ritalin into a long-forgotten fifth grade playmate.

I had heard Adderall was like cocaine without the bloody nose and headache. I poured all 30 of the 15-milligram pills onto the countertop. I placed one blue tablet away from the others, covered it with a spoon, covered the spoon with my hand, and pushed down. Immediately the pill morphed into light blue powder. Using a maxed-out Visa and a rolled-up dollar bill, I proceeded to push the blue powder into a fat, straight line, and then sniffed it up my nose.

There was no burning sensation, no chemical smell. I was in love. I walked through the dining room to the living room futon, and waited to feel something. I’ll give it 10 minutes, and then I’m sniffing more, I thought to myself. The first change I noticed was the total absence of sound in my apartment, except for a barely audible thudding. Relaxed on the futon, I spread out and no sooner than I had lain down, I was back at the kitchen counter.

This time, I’ll do three at once, I thought. After three, I waited about five minutes, then snorted two at a time until they were gone. I didn’t set out to do them all, and I couldn’t believe I had just sniffed 30 pills in a matter of minutes. But I hadn’t felt this awake and energized in months and found myself laughing out loud. I ran to the bathroom, looked at my reflection, and laughed some more, not knowing what was funny but loving the sound of my laughter. I was giddy feeling these emotions, like seeing a lover after months apart.

I knew this joy was fake, simply a byproduct of the pills labeled Amphetamine Salts, but I embraced the joy, happy to experience the forgotten emotion regardless of where it came from. I had no conscience to listen to, and instead concentrated on the thudding sound which filled my ears. As I curled up on the couch, I realized the sound was my own quickly beating heart.

Two weeks later, I had my next appointment with my shrink. In the waiting room I was calm and collected, but I was on a mission. The mission was to get a higher dosage of the Adderall. Like all addicts, I was a good liar. “I only took the Adderall for a week because it didn’t do anything helpful. I still couldn’t get out of bed. You have to do something, I’m failing out of school.”

The desperation in my voice was not a lie; I needed more Adderall, and there was a chance, however slim, that he would not provide it. As though he were a well-trained dog, my doctor replied, “You must not be on a high enough dose. I’ll double it to 30 milligrams a day. You start with that, but I’ll write the prescription for 60 milligrams a day — that way if 30 doesn’t work, you can try 45, then 60.”

I was shocked, I was moving up from 15 milligrams a day to 60? This was too easy; my doctor was either an idiot or a drug dealer. Both possibilities worked to my advantage.

December

I had been speed-balling on prescription pills for over three months, and didn’t know up from down. I somehow received three C’s and one D for the semester, although how I managed that, I was not sure. Two of our friends lost their jobs and apartment and moved in with Reid and me. It was then that I began to care about my “problem.” While alone in the apartment I could act like as a big crackhead because nobody could see me. But with Lynn and Dylan staying home with me every day, I realized I needed a change.

This need crystallized one night when the four of us decided to eat KFC for dinner. Having refrained from taking pills for a couple of days, I wanted to reward my good behavior and snuck off into the bedroom while Lynn and Dylan were gone and Reid wasn’t paying attention. I took my Xanax out from the bureau drawer and dumped the remainder of the bottle’s contents into my hand. Seventeen bars fell out, equaling 340 milligrams. My tolerance was ridiculously high, and I wondered what effect such a high dose would have.

Out of nowhere tears began rolling down my face as I realized what a pathetic life I led. And how pathetic my options were. I could admit myself to a hospital and get treated like shit from all the staff because once you were in there, you were crazy and nothing you said mattered to anyone. Reid would visit me on visiting days, him in regular clothes and me in my thick socks with the rubber gripping on the bottom, a thin cotton hospital gown, and a paper robe; or I could pretend I was Frankenstein’s monster as I received electric shocks to my temples.

I tried not to feel sorry for myself, tried to realize people had it worse, but that was no comfort. I felt all my dreams for a future fading away. I thought I would never get better, get out of bed, or do anything worthwhile. I simply wanted to be left alone.

As I heard the front door open, I poured the Xanax down my throat and got into bed. I heard footsteps thumping on the wooden floor of the hallway and wiped my face on the pillow. Lynn came into the room. “Lex, are you going to eat with us?” She was so sweet and caring. I loved Lynn, so I got up and followed her into the living room, all but forgetting I had just taken a shitload of Xanax.

Following my friend down the hallway was the last thing I remembered. Then I heard laughter, guys laughing and Lynn’s voice urging me to get up. I opened my eyes and lifted my head. Lynn was standing next to me with a wet towel and Reid and Dylan were sitting on the futon, attempting to hold back smiles. I tried to get up and couldn’t work my legs. I felt my head falling; I was passing out.

I woke up in bed, with Reid sitting up next to me. “Do you remember what happened last night?” he asked. I tried unsuccessfully to shake my head. I couldn’t remember anything about anything whatsoever. “You passed out in KFC with your food in your mouth and almost choked. You looked ridiculous — you had mashed potatoes all over your face.” Feeling immense embarrassment I rolled over and passed out again. Within a few days I was out of the fog and out of Xanax and Adderall. I had a friend with serious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a Xanax/Oxycotin addiction. She started letting me have some of her pills and my addiction continued.

In early 2004, I traveled home to California to visit my family; my trusty Xanax came along with me. Bored in Galt, with absolutely nothing to do, I took a large dose one night and passed out. In the morning, I discovered my younger sister had tried to wake me during the night and was unable to do so. I had scared her. This instance was the first time I had ever felt remorse at taking the drugs; sorry for myself, yes, but remorseful, never. That was the end of my Xanax addiction.

Once I got off the Xanax a lot of things changed. I was able to remember yesterdays again. I could get out of bed. But when the depression hits, it’s hard and fast. A bullet from a Glock. If I were presented with the same set of morbid circumstances, I am not sure I would do anything differently. This is not a story of recovery; it is simply a retelling of some of the events taken from six months of my life.

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In The Fray Contributor

Downtown Sana. This picture captures the traditional Yemeni architecture – tall, brown buildings frosted with white trim – that dominates the cityscape.

My ears rang with an intensity that I had only experienced when walking out of a rock concert. I kept my finger on the trigger anyway. Aiming for a boulder that rested on the rock-strewn mountainside about 100 yards away, I missed wildly, sending clouds of dirt and debris into the sky. I wondered whether my hearing would ever recover. As I was learning, an AK-47 is painfully loud.

My adventure had begun earlier that afternoon when a friend, Osama, who also happens to be an officer in the Yemeni Special Forces, invited me to go out shooting guns with him in the countryside. I had been living in Sana, Yemen’s capital, for about two months on a summer fellowship to study Arabic. His offer was a kind gesture, and I needed a study break, so I figured why not.

Before I left, friends offered words of caution; others flat out told me not to go. I wasn’t so worried. The target practice itself was smooth-sailing, no problems. It was after we started packing up the guns, that things became dicey.

Why worry?

As an American in Yemen, the potential exists to be the object of an attack, but I never personally sensed any danger. I was told on several occasions, “No one would ever hurt you here. If they did, the government would capture and kill them.”
  
Quite the opposite, I found people to be very friendly. While disdainful of American politics, most Yemenis that I spoke to still tended to hold favorable views of America, in terms of its people and culture.

In contrast, to most Americans Yemen conjures a kaleidoscope of scary images, likely fueled by such movies as Rules of Engagement (2000), which shows the United States embassy in Sana being overrun by civilians, including women and children, brandishing semi-automatic weapons.

To be fair, Yemen has witnessed attacks targeted at Westerners over the years. In 2000, Al Qaeda militants rammed an explosives-laden dinghy into the USS Cole in Aden, killing 17 American sailors. In the 1990s, kidnappings were common. About 150 foreigners were abducted from 1996 to 2000, though only a few were harmed. The rest were treated well and returned safely. The intent was to pressure the government into meeting the kidnappers’ political demands.

Stepped terraces on the road to the Red Sea from the capital receive substantial rainfall. The cool temperatures high in the mountains give way to stifling heat as you move closer to the coastal plain.

Divided loyalties

Outside of Sana, the government’s control has historically been tenuous. Even those born and raised in the capital still profess loyalty to a large extended family that has roots in a particular village. In the countryside, most people still look askance at the military and police, preferring to resolve things on their own. The government recognizes this dynamic, and consequently, grants localities a wide degree of autonomy, in return for the communities recognizing the state’s authority.

Guns are simply part of the equation. There are an estimated 60 million small arms in the country, whose population is only 20 million. While weapons are typically confiscated at checkpoints leading into the capital, in villages and towns, it is a common sight to see men, old and young, walking around with an AK-47 slung over their shoulder. I had never seen anyone come close to firing these weapons. I began to think of them as an accoutrement, no different than a cell phone.

That afternoon, Osama picked me up in his Toyota Land Cruiser along with three of my friends. After passing a military checkpoint on the outskirts of Sana, we traversed a mountain pass. We drove for about half an hour along a nicely paved road through a valley as villages whizzed by. Rock walls neatly divvied up small farms. The lush greenness contrasted sharply with the barren, russet mountains that sloped upwards on either side. The diesel fumes, blaring horns, and hollering storekeepers of Sana felt far away. I sighed, content to get away from it all.

In one village, which consisted of about a dozen small homes and a corner store selling cigarettes and soda, we turned onto a dirt road. After rounding a bend, we came upon an outcropping atop a ridge. Getting out of the car, we took a look at the shallow ravine before us and the gently sloping mountainside a few hundred meters away.

“How do we know that we won’t by shoot someone by accident,” I asked.

Osama paused and then replied, “I’ll shoot a few rounds into the air. If someone’s out there, he’ll fire back.”

It seemed like a reasonable plan. Besides, the area was practically bare, except for some low-lying shrubs. If there were someone out there, we would know.

Five minutes lapsed, no response. So Osama, I, and my 20-something friends who were also studying Arabic for the summer in Sana, started taking turns shooting, one at a time using one of the two guns that Osama brought. Ian, a college student from Austin, Texas, endeared himself to Osama immediately since he also owned an AK-47 back home and collected other guns as well.

Fernando, a Muslim convert from California, became practically deaf right away. Words of encouragement, like “Nice shot, Fernando,” were met with puzzled looks, hand motions, and “What!?”

The last foreigner was Vincent, who was from France and had lived elsewhere in the Middle East, most recently Kuwait. He may have been the most enthusiastic among us, taking shots from about every conceivable position — down on one knee, standing up, from the hip, walking side-to-side.

I had met Osama the first week that I was in Yemen when a friend, a fellow student at the language institute, invited me to tag along to chew khat  — a mildly stimulating leaf that is a staple of any social gathering — at Osama’s house. Educated at the Royal Sandhurst military academy in England, Osama speaks fluent English and owns an extensive hip-hop collection. Only in his late 20s, he has risen quickly through the officer ranks.  

In some ways, he embodies the schizophrenia that many Yemeni elite display. When talking politics, he speaks with a moderate voice, impugning extremists, recognizing the common beliefs that bind Jews, Christians, and Muslims, and expressing empathy for democracy. For a second, that vernacular is so recognizable, it sounds straight out of a graduate school seminar, and the possibility to form a deep, intellectual bond feels so close. Just as quickly, without a hint of sarcasm, Osama casually remarks, “September 11 was probably a plot by the CIA and Mossad.” The disappointment is crushing.

What is unique about Osama is that, as a Special Forces officer, he has had direct involvement with the American military, with whom he now trains regularly. These close military relations are a new, post-9/11 reality. During the Cold War, without oil, Yemen was of marginal significance on an international and regional scale. Divided into North and South Yemen, the socialist south relied on the Soviet Union for military assistance. However, with the fall of communism, South Yemen was without a patron state, and the two countries unified.

Yemen’s profile rose following September 11. An acknowledged Al Qaeda presence, along with its proximity to the Horn of Africa, which was increasingly seen as a safe haven for terrorists, culminated in President Bush issuing a “with us, or against us” ultimatum, to which Yemen’s President, Ali Abdullah Saleh, agreed to ally with the United States.

Surrounded

After half an hour, we were out of bullets and it was getting dark. I had taken several pictures, and was thinking about what a great email this story would make to friends back home. I was also a bit relieved that we were packing things up, counting my blessings that no one got hurt. I have shot guns since I was a kid, but always with my father, who preached safety like it was the Gospel. I knew we were being too lax.

In about 40 minutes, I told myself, we would be back in Sana. Then we came upon a white pickup truck parked sideways, blocking us from passing. Two older men got out and approached our car dressed in typical fashion: a skirt, a button-down shirt, and a kefiyyeh draped over their shoulders. Osama met them halfway where they spoke.

Getting back into the car, Osama said, “We’ve gotta follow them.”

Assuming these men were from the local village, I could understand that they wanted to know who we were and what we were doing there. But we had a straight-forward story — just a few guys out shooting guns in the countryside — and we were leaving anyway. Besides, Osama was a military officer dressed in uniform. Couldn’t he just flash his ID? Traveling around Yemen, checkpoints are commonplace. But it was always the military stopping you. Now, the reverse was true.

We followed them for a few minutes. When we stopped, Osama got back out to talk. They were too far away for us to hear. But judging from their body language and raised voices, it was clear that the situation was not resolving itself.

Osama came back to the car with a worried look on his face. “Give me the guns,” he said. “These guys want to hold onto them. This might take awhile.”

Convinced that we hadn’t done anything wrong, the four of us sat in the back of Osama’s sport utility vehicle. None of us saw any reason to be alarmed. But watching Osama argue with the two villagers, doubt crept in. Had we done something wrong?

By now, the sun had ducked behind the mountains. Darkness was broken only by the glare of headlights, which were suddenly growing in number. I don’t remember seeing the first group arrive, but now there was a sizeable crowd, a few dozen villagers milling around. Each one carried a gun. In equal numbers, armed soldiers also began to pull up. It’s not surprising that word spread quickly. Cell phones are ubiquitous.

Osama was embroiled in a fierce argument. A few of his fellow soldiers joined, the rest walked around, talking among themselves. We couldn’t make out what anyone was saying. That didn’t stop us from tossing out a few ideas. Maybe they thought we were CIA agents, or maybe foreign jihadists — two very different possibilities, both equally unappealing.

Villagers kept poking their heads inside the front passenger’s side window, where Fernando was sitting.

“Who are you?” they asked in Arabic.

Still practically deaf, Fernando responded with a confused look, gesturing to his ears, shouting, “What? I can’t hear you!”

So long as the villagers kept a distance and focused on Osama; fear was kept at bay. But when their attention shifted towards us; that fear lurched forward. I felt a little nauseous. And to make matters worse, I really had to go to the bathroom. We decided to close the windows and lock the doors.

Two soldiers stood guard in front of our car, keeping curious villagers at bay. It was both reassuring and unnerving. I was glad they were protecting us, but it was a reminder that violent flare-ups between the military and villagers were fairly routine. The gravity of the situation was increased because everyone there was armed, not to mention the newly arrived Army truck with a 50-caliber machine gun mounted on the back.

As time passed, tension in the car ratcheted. Fernando, motioning to the unguarded side of the car that faced knee-high brush, said, “If I were them, I’d come up from here. You could spray the entire car. We wouldn’t even see them coming.”

“Shut the fuck up, Fernando,” Ian replied.

A pack of Marlboro cigarettes was passed around. I had never smoked before in my life. It felt like a good time to try one. It did nothing to calm my jitters.

Osama came back to the car, where he tried calming us down in a hushed tone, asking repeatedly if we were all right. He got on the phone again to call his commanding officer.

He must have already been on his way, because about five minutes later, a late model four-door sedan pulled up. Osama greeted him, and they went over to speak with the villagers. The situation felt improved. Soon both villagers and soldiers got back into their cars.

Osama arrived back at the car, holding his two guns that had been returned. Military pickup trucks filed in front of and behind us, forming a convoy to leave the area.

We peppered Osama with questions, trying to understand what had just transpired. Were they insulted by our presence on their land? Did they not believe that we were just students out shooting for the afternoon? Had we done something wrong?

Unfortunately, Osama was in no mood to explain what had happened. He just kept saying how much trouble he was in, and how he might have to go before a court martial.
Then Osama said that we had to go the Ministry of Interior, which he likened to the FBI.

“They heard what happened, and are going to have some questions for us,” he told us.

Men often gather in the afternoons to chew khat, a plant grown in Yemen and East Africa. You chew the leaves, shoots, and stems, which releases a mild amphetamine. Here, several prominent journalists gather every Monday afternoon at the home of a former member of Parliament to discuss the news of the day.

Debriefing

The interior ministry is headed by Ahmad Saleh, the eldest son of President Ali Abdullah Saleh. I didn’t know much about him, except that he is widely rumored to be next in line when the president steps aside.

When Osama said that we were going to his office, it was clear that a bizarre situation was about to get even more bizarre. On one hand, the refrain I heard so often echoed through my head. You are an American. Yemen’s government protects Americans. But maybe all that talk about the government protecting Americans was just a bunch of talk, and when it came down to it, if we really were guilty of something, we still might be in trouble. We could plead ignorance, but that defense could fall on deaf ears. Either way, I had no idea what was in store.

After emptying our pockets at the security shack just inside of the gates of the ministry, we proceeded to a second floor outer chamber. After a short wait, the door opened, and we were led inside a sleek, spacious office.

Mandatory handshakes were exchanged, and we took a seat on a couch. Across from us sat three villagers, whom I recognized as having been particularly vocal before. In between us was Ahmad, who sat at his desk, along with two advisors. He wore a white polo shirt, tight dark jeans, and a revolver on his belt. Behind him hung a portrait of his father. Displayed in an otherwise empty bookcase was President Clinton’s autobiography.

Increasingly tired, I couldn’t muster the energy to figure out what everyone was saying. The tone was light-hearted. No one yelled. It felt civilized. Occasionally, one of the advisers, a rotund man wearing Velcro sneakers, looked my direction and gave a smile. My inclination that indeed nothing would happen to us was slowly being confirmed.

The villagers did most of the talking. Ahmad asked them questions, and then turned to Osama and did the same. Though at times Osama looked exasperated, as if his point wasn’t being fully conveyed, the overall mood felt relaxed. I thought everything was going to be fine.

The improbability of the whole situation — to be sitting in the office of the president’s son — dawned on me. Looking at the villagers across from me, I wondered if they thought the same thing. Were they as surprised as I was to be sitting here?

I tried suppressing the anger I felt toward them. Maybe they had reasons for sparking this conflict, but it felt like they had overreacted and didn’t really understand who we were. As long as we got off, then I would be willing to overlook what they had done.

After fifteen minutes, there was a lull in the conversation. Ahmad turned to us, and said in perfect English, “How are you, guys? I’m so sorry for this. You must be tired. If you’d like, you can go home now.”

“Actually, we’d like to stay with Osama,” Vincent replied.

An awkward paused followed. Ahmad glanced to us and smiled. “That won’t be possible. Osama, tell them where you’re going tonight.”

Osama, to our surprise, looked like he was about to lose it. Fighting back tears, he said, “I’m going to jail.” Ahmad interjected in a calm, yet pejorative tone, “Osama needs to learn a thing or two about Yemeni culture.” I had no clue what he meant by that.

The villagers beamed triumphantly from ear to ear. They stood up and shook everyone’s hand before leaving. I did so grudgingly. I wanted to punch them in the face.  

After we sat back down again, Ahmad explained to us the villagers’ side of the story. They had seen us from afar when we were shooting guns and wanted to escort us back to Sana to make sure that we arrived safely. They also asserted that Osama was holding us against our wishes, as if he had abducted us.

It was preposterous. But at least it was becoming clear to me what had really transpired. The villagers insisted on taking us back to Sana, and Osama refused. That was the dispute. The villagers took away our guns and called in as many of their men as they could. Osama did the same. Ironically, the military and villagers were really arguing over who would take us back to the capital. It could have turned violent, but no one intended to harm us.

I doubted that the villagers really believed their own story. More likely, by delivering us from “danger,” they were really looking for a quid pro quo, hoping that the government would reciprocate their good deed with maybe a new school or bridge.

It was time for us to speak up. Vincent went first, setting the record straight, and explaining that Osama was really a dear friend. Each of us followed. It felt good to come to Osama’s defense.

Ahmad listened. At times, he drifted off to look at his computer or the news broadcast on the flat screen television next to us. Judging from his disinterest, it didn’t look like we were telling him anything that he hadn’t already figured out.

When we finished, he apologized again and then wished us a good night. The five of us left, including Osama.

It was after midnight. We decided to go to the Kentucky Fried Chicken to unwind a bit. Sitting outside in the playground next to a rare patch of grass, we talked things over.

“Ahmad had to do that.” Osama explained. “It was all a show for the villagers, to make them think that I was going to jail and that they had done a good thing.”

As Osama recounted, Ahmad did not want to anger the villagers by challenging their side of the story. So he sat and listened. He thanked them for making sure that we were safe while on their land. To make it complete, he had to punish Osama to satisfy them. He really understood what had gone on, but he had to pay lip service to the villagers out of respect.

Looking back, in the heat of the moment when we were stuck in Osama’s car, it was impossible for me to imagine anything except that they were a bunch of angry villagers, upset at Americans for trespassing.

In fact, what I had witnessed had very little to do with me. It was all about Yemeni politics and the delicate balance of power between the capital and countryside that comprises the country. Harming foreigners made little sense, but coming to their rescue could pay off huge. The villagers knew this. I didn’t. A combination of guns, darkness, and a language that I am just beginning to understand, all served to obscure an unfamiliar political landscape.

STORY INDEX

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Yemen: the Unknown Arabia by Tim Mackintosh-Smith
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ORGANIZATIONS>

American Institute for Yemen Studies
URL: http://www.aiys.org/

TOPICS > YEMEN>

A guide to all things Yemen
URL: http://www.al-bab.com/yemen/

In The Fray Contributor

Chris Verrill is the author of the international travel biography Is For Good Men To Do Nothing. This is an excerpt from the book where he leaps into the fray to see the world post-September 11.

Chris Verrill and friend in Khurasan refugee camp Pakistan.

Upon my leaving home in the United States, bound for my volunteer mission in the Afghan refugee camps in the frontier province of Pakistan, my high school friend Linda snuck me a bon voyage card. I’d say she gave it to me, but in truth she sort of squirreled it into my possession as I was saying goodbye. Like many people in my life, in the card she wished me well in my travels. Here’s the kicker, which others didn’t do: She enclosed $58. A $50  bill and eight singles. What was I supposed to do with $58?

Linda wrote that I should use the cash for two purposes. One, I should order a really good meal and think of her when I did. Thanks. I appreciate that.

Two, and more importantly, I should “ease someone’s suffering.”

Linda, aware of the immense poverty in the developing countries I’d be traveling in wanted to do something, anything, to help. By proxy through me, she strove to do her part to make the world a better place. I tell you, here’s someone do-gooder humanitarians can be proud of.

In addition to the $50 bill, Linda said, “I am also enclosing all of the ones I have for you to give to any woman or child you find having to beg for survival.” This is anathema to my way of thinking. Anathema to my modus operandi for supporting those in need.

Although many people give street beggars their spare change, a nickel or a dime or so, I long ago resolved to support non-profit organizations generously, but not to encourage or be subjected to panhandling. There are more intelligent means of supporting those in need than handing out a few cents or a few schillings to someone who holds out a quivering hand. If everyone in the world supported non-profits and followed my lead, no one would need to beg on the streets. But that’s my soapbox.

In deference to Linda’s request, however, I made a decision. I would make an exception to my rule and honor my friend’s intentions. What was I getting myself into?

Just like every other day

I start leisurely walking down the main drag in downtown Nairobi, Kenya, one of my stopovers on my way to Pakistan and Afghanistan.

This late afternoon, like many afternoons before it, I stroll along the streets of Nairobi. Today specifically, I walk four crowded blocks from my hotel to another hotel with an ex-pat bar and a band playing “The Tennessee Waltz.” I know what’s coming. I just know it. I prepare for it in a way that would surely surprise someone.

I continue to stroll.

Linda’s bon voyage card tucked into my book du jour, I head out. Knowing full well, as a Caucasian with a presumably affluent face, what this meant for Kenya’s poverty-stricken. Safe and probably not too secure in my book, the card sticks out an inch or two or three beyond the pages. I’m not paying attention to the card, let alone the cash it encloses.

Stroll, saunter. The sidewalk is crowded. People bustling about. Buildings rising six or seven stories above the thronging masses.

The average Kenyan earns $200 per year. As per my lifelong friend’s instructions, I clutch three months’ wages in my hand. I say “lifelong friend” for, while I know others better, Linda and her brother and I go all the way back to high school. Maui High School, which Linda and I graduated from in 1982, has a, shall we say, less than stellar academic record.

I weave in and out of the other pedestrians.

My stepfather graduated from Maui High School, too. Surprisingly, given the time lapse, we had the same biology teacher. That biology teacher was quite surprised — no, shocked would be a better word — that my stepfather, who was a delinquent in high school, could have a geeky, intellectual stepson like me. Mr. Biology Teacher referred to all his students as Mr. Insert-First-Name-Here.

Saunter.

He must have rubbed off on me. I don’t know how much biology I learned, but to this day I have an affectation of referring to people as Mr. Bob or Ms. Jane. But back then, I was Mr. Chris, and I am confident Linda was Ms. Linda.

Maui High School, with a college attendance rate lower than a blade of grass, must have produced a few good nuts. I mean Linda, not me. My sister is now the intelligent one in my family. Let me establish that. OK? Got it?

Walk and weave some more. Scan the oncoming crowd.

But the academic rigor (a word which many Maui High students would have to look up) leaves a lot to be desired. I say this knowing that my baby sister transferred out of Maui High. Oh yes, some of it was her own doing, that rotten bugger, but some of it is attributed to the environment of the school. I say this knowing that a friend of mine, who I spent lots of time with in high school but have barely spoken to since, is now, bless him, a teacher at Maui High School. Knowing him, I bet he’s a very popular and respected teacher.

But as I’m sure he and other educators would argue, high school is what the student makes of it. Fair enough. But there are many kids on the margin. Those kids get left behind in a program that doesn’t have the resources to help them. I won’t jump on the education soapbox now, but suffice it to say, I think a quarter of the kids will flourish even in a bad environment. Another quarter of the kids will fail even in a good environment. The remaining half, people like my baby sister, are up for grabs. That’s where a solid education system makes a difference. My statistics — quarter/quarter/half — may or may not be accurate, but the principle is very accurate.

And for all you legislators out there, remember it. Investing in education, as Thomas Jefferson would say, is the best investment any community can ever make.

You know it. I know it.

Glance at the faces of children living on the street.

All right, I said I wouldn’t get on my soapbox and I did. But I minimized it. Believe me, I could have gone on and on about the importance of education in a free and democratic society.

So, where was I? Ah yes, sauntering down the main drag of Nairobi, Kenya, Africa. Clasped in my grubby paws, a well-intentioned greeting card. Enclosed in the card is $58 in U.S. greenbacks — three months’ wages for the average Kenyan. Perhaps more than the average beggar on the street collects in an entire year.

Saunter.

Stroll.

Saunter some more. That rip in my jeans has gotten bigger.

It’s bound to happen.

It happens all time. Today won’t be any exception.

Stroll along, with purpose, card-carrying book swaying in my hand.

Sure enough, the inevitable happens. A little girl, perhaps about six years old — big pleading eyes, scraggly hair, dirty, torn clothes, and desperate demeanor — clutches my hand. Not letting go of my hand, seizing it like a line to a better life, she follows me. Like either a con artist who has mastered her craft or child in genuine need, she clasps my hand, weaving with me in and out of hundreds of other pedestrians, yet not releasing her grip on me, unrelenting with her pleading. In Swahili, I presume; I don’t know. I don’t understand her spoken language. Her physical language, however, was universal.

Walk, walk.

Pleading for about 20 paces. Thirty paces. I don’t really know. Forty.

“Please, mister,” she pleads in English. She wants a schilling. Half a schilling. Anything. More hand-to-mouth motions as if to say, “Is food such a bad thing to ask for?”

I don’t want to break my own no-panhandling code. I don’t want to teach this child that panhandling is a worthwhile option.

Keep walking. Eyes straight ahead as usual. Almost.

Except this time, instead of eyes straight ahead, I look. At her. At her pleading face. More importantly, I look around.

Ah, that’s what I’m looking for.

My stomach knots to see it. But as I suspected, there it is. A little boy. Clearly her younger brother. A not-so-old woman. Clearly her mother. The mother staring at me. Watching her child. Successful con artist or someone genuinely in need? The boy hurries to catch up. I’ve established Linda’s required parameters.

“Ease someone’s suffering,” she instructed. “Any woman or child you find having to beg for survival.”

If this doesn’t fit, my heart doesn’t know what does. I figures she satisfies Linda’s requirement for whom she wanted her donation to go to.

I stop.

Walking no more. Nairobi’s thronging masses maneuvering around me and a homeless girl in tattered clothes — a little girl who still has not released her grip on my hand.

Holding my breath, I open my book. Removing Linda’s card — everything: the envelope, Linda’s personal note to me, and the $58 — I hand it to her. At this point I speak the only words I ever spoke to her.

“This is from my friend,” I say.

I quickly, hastily, maybe perhaps guiltily, resume my focused walk down the crowded sidewalk toward the expat hotel. “The Tennessee Waltz” would sound good, grounding, comforting right about now.

I mean, who am I to think this pretentious act was even at all significant? Pious? I don’t know. Pompous? I don’t know. Perhaps there’s a fine line between the two. This gift, this — I don’t know what to call it, but gift is not at all right — violated my no-panhandling credo. It was a good deed yet a bad deed.

Or, more accurately, perhaps it just wasn’t as good a deed as I hoped it should be.

The six-year-old in the tattered clothes looks confused. When I hand her the envelope, for the first time she releases her death grip on my hand. But you could see the confusion in her. A schilling she would have recognized as success. I’ll wager my lunch she would have recognized a dollar or even a euro as success.

But there she stands, befuddled, her prey for the afternoon walking away purposefully, with an envelope in her hand. An envelope?

I just walk on. “The Tennessee Waltz” is calling my name. Anything to get me away from this child I had – I want to say “helped,” but that really sounds too arrogant. Away from this child whose panhandling habit I had in a lottery-like fashion significantly encouraged.

Besides, I have to keep walking. She presumably digs into the envelope. I don’t know. I don’t look back.

I firmly believe that true kindness is anonymous and doesn’t require acknowledgement.

It certainly doesn’t require gratitude.

When she gets the card open she’ll recognize the George Washingtons, I’m sure. But Ulysses S. Grant? Who’s that?

The personal note on the personal card to me from my old high school friend will probably be lost on her. That’s okay. That wasn’t Linda’s objective. But I hope, as I’m sure Linda does, that this unfortunate girl’s life for the next little while will be a tad better. Even if she can’t read the card or understand Linda’s motive in having me do what I did, I hope she benefits from my old friend’s generosity.

Ten seconds later, the little boy, her brother, chases me down and unsuccessfully attempts to grab my hand.

“Can I be your friend?” he boldly asks.  

STORY INDEX

ORGANIZATIONS >
            

Rotary International
URL: http://rotary.org/

Rotary Club of Pacifica URL: http://pacificarotary.org/

RESOURCES >

Pacifica Rotary
URL: http://www.pacificarotary.org/ProfileVerrill.asp

Shakesplace
URL: http://shakesplace.com/Pages/ChrisCorner1.html#Top

Terrorism and Energy: Bush’s 2020 Vision
URL: http://www.paloaltoonline.com/weekly/morgue/2002/2002_01_02.guest02verl2.html

American Reporter article: A Walk Down Chicken Street
URL: http://www.american-reporter.com/2,544/6.html

KDVS Radio Interview
URL: http://www.kdvs.org/high-bit/TUE_05.00PM.mp3

In The Fray Contributor