Friends of my mother are coming to New York for the first time ever. Unbeknownst to me I was nominated as their go-to gal for all things Big Apple. Their itinerary includes super fun things like Times Square and the Empire State Building. Boy, do I LOVE Times Square. 

Note: the aforementioned is for parental use only. My grand tour of the city begins and ends by handing them a map and a MetroCard. Rule 31-5.4.6 of my New York City Life Continuity Plan is still in effect, which clearly states that, to improve upon Dorothy's line, there's no place like my couch. Though there is a provision in the event George Clooney should need a personal tour.

So I've been sending my mother's friends all sorts of helpful advice about taking the subway. Number one (say it with me): No eye contact. (This will be hard for them. They are from the South, where it is polite to look people in the eye. In New York, it is considered an act of aggression.) Number two: Ditch the tell-tale I'm-a-tourist white sneakers. Number three: If a train car appears empty, there's a damn good reason.

I emailed them link to the subway map. "This is a little overwhelming," they wrote back.

Why yes, yes it is. Even back in 1904 when the first subway lines were completed, I wouldn't be surprised if one sandhog — nickname of the men who dug the tunnels with pickaxes and shovels — had nudged another and said, "Bet you a nickel they'll never figure out how to get crosstown."

I suggested to my mom's friends they could look to Sammy Sosa for inspiration. Not that Sammy Sosa. This Sammy Sosa, age 5, tired of waiting for his mother, went upstairs to the elevated platform and boarded a 1 train in the Bronx by himself. While his mother frantically called the police, who in turn searched the neighborhood and called in helicopters, little Sammy calmly rode the 1 train, all the way to South Ferry — 33 stops. The police had notified the MTA, just in case, and a conductor noticed a little boy who didn't get off the train even though it was the end of the line. The conductor said, "He looked like he was having a good time, not a care in the world, like it was just another ride for him."

May my mother's friends be able to ride the subway just like little Sammy Sosa. I'll be there for moral support — from my couch.

Jacquelin Cangro