I finally did it. I lost 30 pounds, and for the first time in my life I could wear skinny jeans and crop tops. I had been working for what felt like an eternity to become a person who could feel comfortable doing normal things like swimming or running. I would no longer have to hide bulging thighs and I wouldn’t have to be embarrassed about eating in public. I felt strong and powerful, so then why wasn’t I happy? Everything I read told me that eating healthy and exercising would give me more energy and passion for life. The experts couldn’t all be wrong. So I kept wondering, was there something wrong with me?

My body felt good, really good, like I had burned off all of the toxins that had built up over years and years of being overweight. But I wasn’t happy with the person I had become, with the life that I was now living. Nothing about it gave me energy or passion. Those bland vegetable dinners that I cooked for myself each night began to make my eye twitch, and the growling that rumbled from my stomach in the morning told me of that something was missing.

After many months of diligently rationing and portioning my food, my mind suddenly slowed. It was clogged by way too many rules and not enough living. There was no longer room for any thoughts that weren’t based on calories and nutritional value, and all of a sudden, a strange sense of calm overcame me. I found myself placing a small piece of dairy-free, sugar-free chocolate onto my tongue. Oh it tasted so good, but it felt so bad. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted the old me back.

A million bites later, I am a woman who can’t wear skinny jeans. I am a woman who eats dessert, a woman who likes avocados, nuts, and other healthy, fattening foods, but this time I like myself, too. My body treats me well, so I try to go easy on her. I give her what she craves, and more often than not, I find myself voluntarily feeding her large quantities of fruits and veggies. After all that I have put her through, I finally trust that my body knows what she is doing.

As my weight anniversary comes and goes and I realize that I have put back on the 30 pounds that I lost, I feel like I have gained a lot more in the last three years than just weight. I have gained freedom and balance. My healthy habits stuck with me, but now I actually enjoy playing a game of tennis or riding my bike to the grocery store. My vegetable dinners are sweet and filling, and they don’t make me cringe because I can choose not to eat them. It only took 30 pounds both coming and going to show me that I liked who I was all along.

You can find more personal narratives by Chiki Davis at scratchandburn.com.

Chiki Sites Davis