I have recently managed to overdose myself on depressing movies: Revolutionary Road, Brokeback Mountain, The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys, Atonement, The Kite Runner, Ghajini, Boys Don't Cry, and Sweeney Todd. In fact, my life has been caught in a deluge of everything that is utterly depressing and unfair; and now I'm left within the corners of my own confinement, wondering if this is all that there is to live for.

Every single person has their own folder of tragedy, some have cabinets full that lie dormant within their minds, collecting dust as life continues. Sometimes the dust unsettles and vivid images of those traumatic moments return to haunt their hosts until a type of emotional callus forms and numbs the pain…Numbs it so that they may forget and be happy again.

Life is contingent on happiness; without happiness life is one giant cesspit away from death. However, true happiness can only be measured in nanoseconds, it flits past in moments where there are no second thoughts or rationalizations…only pure bliss. But everything that is good must come to an end, everything that you love will eventually perish and everything that you thought that you would live for will disappear before your eyes. The reality behind happiness is the ongoing existence of pain.

The woman who finally conceived a child after seven miscarriages only to lose her only son in a car accident; the sister who walked into a blood-washed living room to find her family lying limply in the middle of it with their throats slit; the girl who spent her life savings trying to help the boy she loved reach his dreams, only to have him discard her for another woman; the four men who were forced into the boot of their car while their hijacker drove around for 16 hours…all of them continue to live each day with a mask of strength hidden in their smiles and the horrors of depth in their eyes. Maybe they lie in bed thinking that life cannot get worse. Maybe they move on. Maybe they are changed forever.

I'm generally the positive, bubbly person that people approach when they need a brighter perspective on their lives. However, I have no answers on how to escape the darker side of life permanently. I am a dreamer; I can dream myself into idyllic situations to regain contentment with my life. Though, no one can ever escape reality.

Whenever I look up into the bright blue winter skies with love-saturated eyes that bathe blissfully in its warmth, the truth always appears. The shocking headlines that tell you stories of the most grotesque crimes, the fear that each day could be your last or the last day of someone you love, and the constant checking of your valuables keeps reality at your front door. It is hard to live with such fear and pain and, though you may forget it from time to time, it always has a way of reminding you that it exists…

No matter how beautiful Durban currently is, the reality of high crime rates keeps me a prisoner in my own fear. No matter how many laughter-filled days I have with my friends, I still come home crying over the man who broke my heart. No matter how many stomach-aching comedies I watch, it is the tragedies that I remember…Is this all that I have to live for?

I think I need to detox from depressing movies.

Tharuna Devchand