It's time for another installment of "Ask Ms. Turnstiles," where all of your burning questions about the New York City subway system are answered. Let's get down to business.      

Q: I heard that the cost of the subway fares increased this week. What gives?

A: Since you asked, this is the perfect opportunity to review the numbers: $2.25 = New cost of a single subway ride.

1 million = Number of curses you will receive from the Chinese Curses Lady if you talk on the subway.

4 = Times per week a conductor will close the doors in your face.

45 = Number of sick passengers per week.

0 = Number of other options you have to get to work.      

Q: Is it true that Ruth Madoff, Bernie's wife, was spotted riding the subway last week?  

A: Why, yes! Ms. Turnstiles thinks it's heartwarming to know that she's just one of us.    

Q: Ms. Turnstiles, why does one subway car feel like a meat locker and the car right next to it feels like the rainforest?  

A: You may have heard the recent news that New York City has earned the honorable distinction of being this country's safest big city. (City motto: "We're glad we're not Detroit.") This hard-won achievement doesn't come without a no-holds-barred crackdown on things that put Gothamites at risk. After ridding the city of the dangerous criminal known as Trans-Fats and moving the menace to society called "Smoker" to back alleyways, Mayor Bloomberg has set his sights on arming you with the tools to avoid becoming a statistic. Here's how it works: You board the train and realize it's so humid you feel like you're breathing through a wet rag. Then you dash at breakneck speed to get to the next car before the doors close. After a few weeks of commuting, you'll be able to outrun any mugger. Thanks, Mayor Mike!     

Q: The woman sitting next to me is falling asleep and resting her head on my shoulder. Should I shake her awake? She's starting to snore.  

A: Ms. Turnstiles understands your predicament. She has been in this situation herself and take it from her, shaking the woman will only serve to have her snuggle closer to you. To remedy the problem, simply spritz a lot of perfume under her nose. You'll instantly create your own personal space and make yourself smell like you just left a cheap whorehouse, which serves as an added benefit of keeping your boss out of your cube for the rest of the day. It's a win-win situation.    

 Q: According to the television documentary, Life After People, the entire subway system will rot and collapse five years after people are gone from the Earth. What do you make of that?  

A: Ms. Turnstiles will answer your question with another question: If a subway system collapses and no one is around to witness it, why do you care?    

Q: Does your snarkiness on this subject have anything to do with the fact that you briefly dated one of the programmers for this show?  

A: Ms. Turnstiles won't dignify this question with a response, but if she did, she would have to point out, yet again, that the entire premise of the show is ridiculous. What tragedy could possibly eliminate all six billion people on this planet simultaneously yet not harm any domesticated or wild animals? Or any vegetation? Or not damage any of the existing infrastructure? Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bub.    

There you have it, straphangers. Another informative and helpful edition of "Ask Ms. Turnstiles." Until next time, when she will be taking more of your important questions, stand clear of the closing doors.

Jacquelin Cangro