There are so many things I don’t understand about other women. I’m not talking about wearing a prairie dress and handing your 12-year-old daughter to a 50-year-old man. Well, I don’t get that either, but who does? I’m talking about your everyday, mundane female good, bad, and uglies.

#1: It’s swimsuit season. That did not send me into a yogurt-binging panic months ago. In fact, I don’t do swimsuits. I have nothing against the swimsuit itself. Even if I weren’t translucent-pale (i.e., my sensitive Irish skin blisters without SPF 45) and even if I wasn’t terrified of large bodies of deep water, I’m completely turned off by the unbalanced approach designers and sellers take to it.

I see so much of American culture that is all or nothing: For instance, take young women — you’re either an evangelical virginity pledger or Paris Hilton. You either super-size the meal or go without. Hummers in one lot, SmartCars in the other. But the average person is so middle of the road, moderate, balanced. Try being one of these people shopping for a swimsuit. You will find one of two things: bikini made for only a supermodel or a young teenage girl who hasn’t developed yet, or something so big, so wide, so garishly patterned, scrunched, thick, and padded that even grandma would beg for mercy. And don’t even get me started on those full-coverage-fringe-Christian-early-20th-century-black things.

Then the retro idea came along, and I was rethinking everything — well, I can just constantly layer on sunblock. Well, I can bring a big beach umbrella. Well, I can just wade around or dip my toes. Anything just to rock the pin-up look, which I so can. But to my bitter, unsurprised disappointment, I’ve found the nobody’s gonna throw me a bone there, either.

Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, etc., all carrying the trendy 40s and 50s style…for no less than $300! And this is where I beg for moderation, because I don’t do the $20 Target rag that will fall apart after one lap, but it doesn’t make sense for Casper here to think, hmm, student loan payment or swimsuit?

So I went independent: pinupgirlclothing.com. How cheeky. But once again (sigh) I’m looking at the big and ugly or the teeny tiny. And, much as I love the modern pinup girl with her real body and tattoos, I’m not going to let it all hang out like that. I’m not going to pose, in good lighting, with red lipstick and heels, followed by some Photoshopping, on Narragansett friggin’ Beach!

The only thing I’ve found, as usual, is that I’m not alone. Today, my favorite Jezebel, Moe, posted about the "inherent evil" of the swimsuit, and she has opted out of the whole thing. So, yeah, what she said.

#2: Wedding loans. My general anti-wedding feelings are a whole other post (another thing to not ever, ever get me started on — Disney-inspired wedding gowns. Just grow up), but let me say this here and now: if you are stupid enough and immature enough to put yourself into deep financial debt for what is just…a…party, you have no business getting married.

#3: Flip-flops. That’s all.

Jennifer Leblanc