There should be a rule on how grandiose a self-gratifying claim can be. For example, last week Bill O’Reilly used his Web and newspaper column to glad-hand himself for “knowing” that Rosie O’Donnell would leave “The View.”

Reading it, you would have thought Mr. O. was pulling strings behind the scenes as some well-respected newsman, instead of just being a steamy pile of upper-class, Bush-voting crap.

But that’s Bill: he makes outlandish claims because he thinks he’s bigger than Guy Fawkes Day. This week, however, Bill has gone too far.

People who watch his drivel on TV will be familiar with his recent inspired ranting against Virginia Beach Chief of Police Jake Jacocks, who did not call Homeland Security over Alfredo Ramos, an illegal immigrant, who had had four run-ins with the law. This has Bill miffed — and maybe rightly so — because on March 30 Ramos killed 17-year-old Alison Kunhardt and 16-year-old Tessa Tranchant when he drunkenly hit their car. Of course Bill felt Ramos should have been sent back to Mexico already, before this tragedy occurred.

Virginia Beach’s Jacocks didn’t share this idea because Ramos had not been a violent offender. More pragmatically Jacocks said he didn’t want to get federal authorities involved, possibly because Feds don’t play well with the locals; Feds like to have a lot of power and that’s something of an issue with people who like freedom. This fact has got Bill, who apparently thinks the Feds should have a camera in every home and a tracker on every computer, angrier than a pit bull in a room full of cats.

Under duress with the bad press he was getting all around, Jacocks changed the policies of his department.

What does Bill say?

“After my reporting battered the government of Virginia Beach, it has changed its dangerous and irresponsible policy. But Jacocks got in a last shot calling me, your humble correspondent, ‘pathetic.’”

Did you read that? He claims it was his reporting that changed things and then has the audacity to call himself humble. I’d call that an oxymoron if that were not two syllables more than what O’Reilly is.

The fact is that Bill wasn’t the only person “reporting” on the Ramos case. It got a lot of attention in the press (I’m betting he got it from the AP) and the public was angered. O’Reilly didn’t do anything, the people did. But The Culture Warrior is not above hyperbole.

My whole point is that people responding to the policies of their government make changes — not middle-aged white men pontificating from inside of a box. Anyone who thinks they do may require therapy.

However, maybe Bill is on to something. Maybe everyone with a forum for opinion should use that to make claims that they are the ones that make the differences.

All right, here is mine: I’m the reason Lindsey Lohan is doing so well with rehab. You see, I’ve publicly stated that she is a “hotty” several times but that I don’t like “drunks.” Hearing this Lindsey must have chosen to turn her life around.

Now I’m off to cause a thunderstorm in Wyoming and end the LAPD’s violent ways. Thank god I have this forum, or nothing would ever change. Aren’t I swell? I did a great job.

Patrick Duganz