I love Hillary Clinton. Not because I think she’s a strong female figure in a world flooded with idiotic figureheads like Paris Hilton and her gang of spoiled leeches, but because she entertains me.

I’m not fooling around. When people ask me who my favorite entertainer is, I always say Hillary Clinton.

OK, that’s a lie, but she could be, especially now that she’s on the campaign trail to become the first female president in history.

Saturday Hillary said that if elected president she would appoint her husband to a position of “roaming ambassador.” Billy-boy would travel to and fro making nice-nice with the nations of the world President Bush has pissed off. My estimate is that he’ll be gone for two years or more.

According to the AP, she told a crowd gathered in Marshalltown, Iowa, "I can't think of a better cheerleader for America than Bill Clinton, can you?"

But even reading that direct quote, what I heard her say was, “I can’t think of anything better than to make damn sure Bill is as far from my interns as possible, can you?”

She also said that Bill told her he would do anything she asked, which is why she says she’s putting him to work. In other words, Bill asked how he could help her, and she said, “You can fly your ass around the world undoing wrongs like Scott Bakula in ‘Quantum Leap’ for all I care, buddy boy.”

All kidding aside though, I think she’s got the right idea. We don’t need the entire government working to better relations to the rest of the world. We’ve got the Hillary doctrine: Let’s just use Bill Clinton to solve the problems.

Look at it this way: Whether it’s a tsunami or a hurricane, Bill has been doing much better than our current government at helping people desperately in need. He’s like Jimmy Carter, but with a raging libido (none of that lame “lust in my heart” crap from Bill) and the uncanny ability to make bad situations look great.

Where did Bill get his skills? I’m not sure; I only know he kicks ass.

Yes, NAFTA was a bad idea, and so was “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” And that whole impeachment deal was entirely lame, though not all of that was his fault. But look at how good he made those bad things look? It was amazing.

Now none of those missteps matter much because Bill is still adored, so Hillary should hold onto him like a Kennedy holds onto a bottle of fine wine or Bush holds onto bad ideas. (See? I’m an equal opportunity basher.)

So rock on, Hillary. Don’t bother with your own policy ideas — just use Bill. We like him.

Patrick Duganz