So I'm reading through Mother Jones online and, dear Lord, is that Bill Donohue's name? In Mother Jones? Who contacted the dark side first? Donohue just led the crusade to have "anti-Catholics" Melissa McEwan of Shakespeare's Sister and Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon removed from the Edwards campaign. Mother Jones is one of my favorite liberal rags. An unholy alliance indeed.

But as I am open-minded, I read it. I'm so glad I did. I heard about the Domino's Pizza founder and nut job Tom Monaghan last year. Monaghan, a strict Catholic, is funding the construction of a right-wing Christian town in Florida. No porn, no contraception, all church. But the laws, you say? No problem — just make friends with former governor Jeb Bush who "made Ave Maria Town a special tax district like Disney World, giving the self-appointed Board of Supervisors (run by Monaghan's development partner) widening powers and exempting the town from state and local laws." And Big Brother is literally taking care of that pesky constitution. Sa-weet.

In this Eden-on-a-swamp, the average home will cost $1.95 million dollars. So much for helping the poor. But I'm sure God will understand when he hears this point of view: "One future resident, construction manager Darryl Klein, who has six children, had told me earlier that he'd moved his family from South Carolina because Ave Maria represented 'the ideal American community. It'll be a place where you know your neighbors. We'll be around like-minded people. The kids that play with my kids — they'll go to the same church as us. And we'll be accepted.' "

Yeah — being white wealthy Christians makes it hard to fit in anywhere else. On Earth. You poor outcasts, you.

While Donohue was trying to talk casually to a bunch of the Ave Maria University students, an official Hitler Youth broke it up: "Whoa, whoa whoa… Is this, like, an interview? With the media? You can't say anything to him — that's official policy." A school director compared students like this to military personnel, keeping order in and outsiders out. I've seen lots of pictures of Christ with his arms closed and his goons at the gates.

Once Donohue got a few anarchist students to talk, off-campus of course, the real fun began. " 'The first time I ever kissed a guy,' a gentle, soft-spoken Ave Maria freshman named Mersadis said over her mozzarella sticks, 'I thought it was disgusting. And now I don't want another guy to kiss me before marriage.' She took a sip of her iced tea, then continued. 'In high school, I found myself looking at every girl and asking, "Has she given up her virginity? Is she still pure?" Here, I've stopped asking. I know everyone is.' " I'm sorry — I can't type when I'm laughing this hard.

As for the boys: " 'We don't believe in the separation of church and state,' one student named Aaron said, 'and this country should orient itself toward Christ. The foundation of Western civilization rests on Christendom, which means that America owes its existence to the Catholic Church.' " Funny — our forefathers, who created America, did believe in separation of church and state. But no worries — contradictions follow, as usual: " 'The offertory in the new Mass,'  griped Aaron's friend, an energetic and sandy-haired youth named Mike, 'is essentially a Jewish table grace.' " Well, Jesus was Jewish, and there was no such thing as Catholicism before he lived and died. So much like America "owes it's existence" to Catholicism, Catholicism owes it's existence to Judaism, so maybe they should lighten up on the disdain for the originators of this free land and learn more about the peace-loving, charitable religion that they claim to live by.

But disdain, and downright hate, for other cultures, religions, and even other Christians is the norm at Ave Maria, as Donohue finds: "I leafed through Ave Maria's campus paper, the Angelus. University president Nicholas J. Healy Jr. writes a column for each issue. In one he calls Islam 'a hostile and aggressive religion,' and goes on to lament a 'widespread loss of the Christian moral vision,' most evident in Europe, where 'birth rates far below replacement levels have already allowed millions of Muslims from North Africa and the Middle East to…heavily influence the political agenda.' "  Actually, the majority of North Africans came to Europe after World War II when A) colonialism was over and the white man was suddenly AWOL, and B) when European countries (especially France) actively welcomed and recruited low-wage workers from these countries to help them rebuild their cities after bombing each other to dust and burying a great many of their citizens. This, by the way, was also about 20 years before the pill showed up on the radar, so birth rates — a.k.a., sluts aborting their babies and taking the pill — doesn't have a damn thing to do with it. But I'm sure no one at Ave Maria wants Blacks or Arabs to — gasp — have political influence.

Still, they like to fool themselves. Aaron, the student mentioned earlier, claims, " 'If you are devout…the calling of celibacy is not a problem.' " That's why priests are best known in the world for molesting children. I'm sure these all-American, privileged young men will have no problem controlling their natural, inevitable human urges.
Again, because I am open-minded, I expect there are a few dissenters who will one day escape and join the clutches of sinful reality: "Not everyone at Ave Maria shares Aaron's self-certainty and resistance to change. In fact, one student tracked [Donohue] down outside a dorm and in urgent, secretive tones said, 'Don't use my name, but I saw you talking to Aaron, and you should know that most people here think he has very extreme views on modernism.' " I was just disappointed that Donohue did not give anymore ink to the more moderate voices on that campus.

As this was written by Donohue, I expected slobbering praise. Instead, he paints a decent picture of a faith as misguided as any radical Islamic fundamentalism. He sees fascism, ignorance, and sheltered kids without a clue about the real world. Donohue correctly understood that these self-made martyrs can't handle living in a world that they can't control, so they're making their own little haven of denial and repression.

I'd like to thank Mr. Donohue for giving a liberal feminist such as myself (raised Catholic, to boot) a thumping good read.

Jennifer Leblanc