I’m not implying that Gonzales is completely incompetent because I believe it takes a certain level of competence to justify allowing the FBI to tap phones illegally and completely get rid of that whole Habeas Corpus thing. What I am saying is that Alberto Gonzales doesn’t fit the rest of the Bush Cabinet's streak of inhumane treatments.

Yes, he has that utter disregard for civil rights, but where’s the blatant indifference for his fellow man? Where’s that ol’ feeling of danger that former attorney generals used to give us? (“Let the eagle soar…”)

I mean remember Janet Reno? If someone got out of line, Reno wouldn’t just “tap a phone” or fire a bunch of attorneys for political reasons. She’d send in the ATF (even if it was just a kid from Cuba).

And, oh, how I miss those days.

See, things were much simpler during the Reno era. I didn’t belong to any religious cults, nor did I hoard armaments for the eventual war with the American government, so I knew there was no need to invest in gas masks.

But Gonzales is different.

Now when I pick up a phone I half expect to hear the tell-tale clicking noise of Uncle Sam listening in. This isn’t merely liberal paranoia though. It is important for me to note that tradition in my family dictates that we always say “Death to capitalism,” in greeting. I have a feeling that can cause problems…

But wire-tapping doesn’t have the same flare that 100 guys with guns have. And worse, it’s inconsistent with the rest of the Bushies' policy choices of “Let’s blow them up and see what happens.”

It’s for these reasons that I know Mr. Gonzales will not make it through the next three weeks with his title of Attorney General. It won’t be because he keeps getting caught breaking the law or further embarrassing this administration. He’ll lose his job because he can’t keep up with Janet Reno.

If only he shot people…

Patrick Duganz