The Onion — for those moments when you don’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or throttle your nearest elected representative.

The headlines:

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

And this one about sums it up:

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in New Orleans to “tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit” and gnaw on their own bootstraps for sustenance. “Government handouts are not the answer,” Bush said. “I believe in smaller government, which is why I have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear at them like a starving animal.” Responding to reports that many Katrina survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, “Only when you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the American dream.”

Last but not least:

Bush Appoints Some Guy From Horse Group to Head Nation’s Disaster Relief

Whoops, that one is actually real news …

Victor Tan Chen Victor Tan Chen is In The Fray's editor in chief and the author of Cut Loose: Jobless and Hopeless in an Unfair Economy. Site: victortanchen.com | Facebook | Twitter: @victortanchen