When it comes to the Democratic Party, I try not to get my hopes up. Like the Red Sox, they have a knack for disappointment. But I had high hopes for the Democratic National Convention.

When I decided to stay in Boston for graduate school two years ago, I liked the idea of being in my beloved hometown to cover the nomination of the man who might beat Bush. As a journalist, I had grand delusions about stumbling onto a big scoop. As a concerned voter, I hoped John Kerry would convince me that he is more than just the lesser of two evils. If nothing else, I wanted to be on the floor of the convention for the quarter-million dollar balloon drop. But leave it to the Democratic Party — they couldn’t even get that right.

On the first day of the convention, it became clear that there was nothing really to report. Not only did I not uncover a big scoop, but none of the other 15,000 attending media members did, either. The thing that used to make conventions newsworthy — the nomination — had been a settled issue for months. Even the fact that there was nothing to write about was written about so much, it ceased to be a story by Tuesday afternoon. So the mainstream press reported on the bloggers, and the bloggers reported on how it felt to be reported on by the mainstream press.

But the disappointment I felt as a journalist was nothing compared to what I felt as a likely but unconvinced Kerry voter. In hindsight, it was grossly naïve, but I hoped to be inspired. I wanted Kerry and the Democrats to give me reason to be enthusiastic not just about this campaign, but about our country’s future.

One of the Democrats’ biggest problems is that their biggest stars are either already out of office or otherwise incapable of becoming president. The DNC organizers did at least one thing right: They put as much space possible between Clinton and Kerry’s speeches. Clinton was charismatic, self-deprecating, and full of candor. Kerry was his usual plodding, pompous self.

Other than Clinton, crowd favorites included Reverend Al and Howard “I have a scream” Dean, both of whose core followers have only begrudgingly supported Kerry. The star of the week wasn’t the nominee, or even Andre 3000, but Illinois Senate Candidate Barack Obama, about whom the only regret was that he isn’t ready to run this year. This year, John Kerry is the best the Democrats have to offer.

The final night of the convention was Kerry’s opportunity to inspire a country in need of something to be enthusiastic about. Instead, we got an infomercial. The product? The result of too many campaign strategists and focus groups: an ass-kicking, life-saving, hamster-kissing war hero.

After Vanessa Kerry’s improbable story about her dad giving CPR to a water-logged rodent, she was supposed to introduce him (her father, not the rodent). But what followed was a twenty-minute made-for-TV biopic produced by Steven Spielberg and narrated by Morgan Freeman. His war-hero past was retold with all the grace and subtlety of a sledgehammer.

The film was tough to watch at times, but nothing matched the pure discomfort and embarrassment that shot through the crowd when Kerry himself came out to speak. He stepped to the podium, saluted the audience, and said, “I’m John Kerry, and I’m reporting for duty.” Uggh. The whole evening was so slickly produced and carefully scripted, it felt more like the academy awards than a political convention.

By the final night, I had long since abandoned the naïve hope that Kerry might prove to be more than just another politician, that he would treat the American public more like people than consumers. That week, the DNC wasn’t introducing its candidate; it was launching a new product.

What neither Kerry nor the Democrats understand is that most Americans don’t care if you’ve got three purple hearts or you’re a simple-minded rich kid. They just want someone who isn’t completely full of shit. In 2000, Florida votes aside, Al Gore lost because voters perceived him as more full of shit than Bush. If Kerry loses in November, he will have lost for the same reason.

At the end of his speech, Kerry said, “Never has there been a more urgent moment for Americans to step up and define ourselves.” For Kerry, time is running out.

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