John Kerry calls Al Gore:

Al: Hi John.

John: Hey Al.

Al: Congratulations on the nomination.

John: Thanks, Al. How are you?

Al: Things are good.

John: How’s Tipper?

Al: She’s well. She’s right here in bed next to me.

John: Oh, tell her I say hello. What a wonderful woman she is.

Al: Yes, I’m lucky to have her.

John: So she’s there next to you?

Al: Yes John, she is.

John: That’s wonderful. It must be nice to sleep with your wife.

Al: I beg your pardon?

John: Oh Al, lighten up. I didn’t mean it like that. I mean that Teresa and I haven’t slept in the same bed in years.

Al: Oh.

John: So how’s everything else?

Al: Good. Fine.

John: How’s that stoner son of yours?

Al: Stoned, I’m guessing.

John: Well it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You know I’d legalize pot in a minute if I could.

Al: Yes, I know.

John: But I can’t say that out loud.

Al: Of course not.

John: I’d never get elected. Bill Maher would love me, but I’d lose 45 states.

Al: Maybe more.

John: It’s like gay marriage. What do I care if they want to get married? You think I care? Of course I don’t care. I say, let them get married and be miserable.

Al: I know. But you can’t say that.

John: No, Al, I can’t. And why? Because we live in a country with a lot of stupid people.

Al: I know. You’re preaching to the choir here.

John: Sometimes I wonder if I even want these people to like me. You know what I mean?

Al: Yes, I do.

John: Because, in a way, if moronic people like me, what does that really say about me?

Al: It’s a valid question.

John: But Al, enough about that. I’ve been meaning to ask you a question.

Al: Sure. Go ahead.

John: It’s about the Dean endorsement.

Al: Yes, I figured it might be about that.

John: Were you on crack?

Al: John, I don’t do crack.

John: It’s a figure of speech, Al. You really do need to lighten up.

Al: Okay.

John: So what were you thinking?

Al: Off the record?

John: Al, of course. We’re friends.

Al: No, we’re not.

John: Sure we are.

Al: Anyway, it was Tipper’s idea.

John: Tipper?

Al: Yeah, she loves him. She still does. Thinks he’s great.

John: But he’s fucking nuts.

Al: Yes, but I didn’t know that then.

John: So Tipper told you to endorse him?

Al: Yes, she did. And he seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. You know, before the scream.

John: Yes, the scream. That scream won me the nomination.

Al: Yes, it did.

John: Loved the scream!

Al: Thought you might.

John: The scream heard around the world!

Al: Okay John. Looking back, endorsing Dean wasn’t the best decision I ever made. I’ll give you that.

John: No shit. Kind of like picking Lieberman.

Al: Yes, I know.

John: Al, you should have picked me.

Al: You were a finalist. But coming off Clinton, I couldn’t pick you. I needed someone squeaky-clean.

John: I’m not squeaky-clean?

Al: No John, you’re not.

John: So sue me, I like women. But Lieberman? I mean, who picks a Jew in a national election?

Al: He’s more annoying than Jewish.

John: Was he Tipper’s idea, too?

Al: Well, it doesn’t matter anymore.

John: Okay, fine. So why didn’t you endorse me?

Al: Honestly?

John: Of course.

Al: Tipper said you’re too stiff, too aloof, too long-winded. She said you wouldn’t resonate with voters.

John: I’m stiff?

Al: Yes.

John: Al, no offense, but you’re the fucking king of stiff.

Al: She said you were stiffer. And she said you come off as patronizing.

John: She said that about me?

Al: Yes.

John: Who the fuck is she?

Al: She’s my wife.

John: And what kind of moron takes political advice from someone named Tipper?

Al: John, if you’re going to insult my wife …

John: Al, I think you should endorse me now.

Al: I can’t do that.

John: Why not?

Al: You’re too waffly on the issues.

John: But Al, we’re in this fight together.

Al: Don’t use that word.

John: What word?

Al: Fight. You use it too much. It didn’t work for me. I used it every other sentence, and I lost.

John: You won.

Al: Well yes, but you know what I mean.

John: The word’s fine.

Al: I’m telling you John, the word’s jinxed. Keep using it, and you’re going to lose.

John: I’m not going to lose. The economy’s tanking.

Al: Yes, that is good news.

John: It’s fantastic news.

Al: But I can’t endorse you.

John: Fine, I don’t want you anyway.

Al: See what I mean about waffling?

John: You know Al, they’re already comparing me to you.

Al: Yes, I’ve heard.

John: One day I’m Dukakis, the next I’m you.

Al: I know.

John: I’m not sure which comparison is worse.

Al: Well, I’m a bit biased on the question.

John: Al, people don’t think very highly of you.

Al: I know.

John: Personally, I’ve always liked you. But the Republican smear machine really did a number.

Al: Yes, I know. But John, that was a long time ago. I’ve moved on.

John: Have you Al?

Al: Yes John, I have.

John: Saying you invented the Internet was pretty stupid.

Al: I didn’t say I invented the Internet.

John: And the eye rolling? Who rolls their eyes during debates?

Al: I could have done better there, yes.

John: In some ways, Al, it looked like you were trying to lose. I mean, the stiffness? You really are the king of stiff.

Al: John, I really should be getting to bed now.

John: Alright, alright. So a definite no on the endorsement?

Al: Yes.

John: Does that mean yes, a definite no, or yes, it’s not a definite no?

Al: John, I need to go.

John: Okay, okay.

Al: We’ll talk soon.

John: Fine. Oh, and Al, be sure to tell Tipper something for me.

Al: Yes John.

John: Tell Tipper that once I’m elected, I’ll let bygones be bygones, and she can come and spend the night at the White House anytime she wants.

Al: Okay, I’ll tell her.

John: In my bed.

Al: No John, not in your bed.

John: Because we’re in this fight together. We’re fighting for an America we can be proud of.

Al: I’m telling you not to use that word.

John: Al, with all due respect, you’re no brilliant campaign strategist.

Al: Okay John.

John: You going to sleep now?

Al: In a few minutes. Tipper and I need to make love first.

John: That’s hot.

Al: Yes, on a good day it is.

John: Tipper’s aged quite well.

Al: Okay John, I really do need to let you go now.

John: Fine.

Al: Goodnight, John.

John: So a definite no on the endorsement?

Al: Goodbye, John.

John: We’re in this fight together?

Al: John, go to bed.

John: Al, did I ever tell you my Vietnam war stories?

Al: Yes John, you did.

John: I’ve got some great ones.

Al: And they might just win you the election. But now I have to go.

John: Tipper’s champing at the bit, huh?

Al: John.

John: Yeah Al?

Al: Go to bed.

In The Fray Contributor