| Finding strength in a new mate
At age 23, more than six years after the assaults, I re-entered counseling and learned that prosecution may not bring closure; that my rapist suffering will not make it go away; and that there may not necessarily be any revenge for his actions. I am learning to put my faith in karma and hope that one day he will be punished for his sins in a way that the legal system couldn't punish him. I journeyed through nightmares and flashbacks, through the physical pain of feeling my body being torn in two. I heard my own screams in my head. I saw the movie in my mind with myself as the dubious star each time I closed my eyes. I would take my showers in the dark so as not to look in the mirror, and scald myself with the hot water because that alone gave me comfort. Through each retelling of my story, I began to draw a picture of myself at 17. At that time, I needed someone to love me, to care about me and to be consistent with me. My divorced parents were living their own lives, and the negative stability I received from him was better than instability in general. I learned that I was angry with myself for not getting out, for allowing the rapes to continue a second and then third time. I am still learning how to forgive myself for not knowing any better at 17. I came to the realization that even if I had broken up with him sooner, there was still great possibility that he would have raped me anyway. I explored my sexuality as well. I had been in two long-term relationships since my assaults, not including my present relationship. I very often had what I call "obligatory" or "apathetic sex." My body seemed to be completely disconnected from my mind, from my heart. Sex to me was nothing more than an act to keep my then boyfriends happy. On the other hand, I would just count the seconds until it was over. When I got involved with Marc, the level of trust we shared deepened and I was able to talk to him about my rapes, about how lost and scared I felt, and how much disdain I had toward my body. I withdrew from him sexually, disgusted with the notion of him seeing me naked. I could not even look at my own body, and I certainly did not want him to see me in the nude. He told me once that he wanted us both to be completely present in spirit, mind and body when we are intimate, and seeing the respect he had for me, I told him that I did not want to have the same "apathetic" sex that I had had in the past. I wanted each encounter to be special and meaningful. Never once have I felt obligated or pressured to be intimate with him, and through his patience and my therapy, I am slowly becoming more comfortable with myself. I learned that the word "rape" makes many people uncomfortable. People cannot handle hearing a word that forces them to think of violation in the most intimate form. I see discomfort in the eyes of listeners as they shift and look the other way, and I feel the awkward silence that sinks in between myself and someone else when I tell them, "I was raped." I see the awkwardness in my own reflection when I tell myself, "I was raped." I have spent many nights questioning why I was raped, but I often forget to give myself credit for getting out. I was raped three times, but not four. I broke away from him and continue to tell my story. I graduated college and am pursuing my master's degree. I am in a very caring and loving relationship, and I have a job that I love, working with children. I have come to accept that my assaults are a part of me, and I learn each day to use that part of me to help others. For the human spirit to endure, we must be able to turn even the most negative and horrific events into something positive and acceptable. I have learned how to be a survivor as opposed to a victim. Hatred will not make an assault disappear, nor will revenge. The hardest part about rape is acceptance. Survivors learn lessons from the assault, grow from them and move on without getting caught up in the fear and darkness of their experiences. Survivors eventually reach a higher plane where they can see the attacks from different levels of understanding. The statistics on rape victims are staggering. According to the Centers for Disease Control Web site, 683,000 women are raped each year, and 84 percent of the victims do not report the crime to the police. Rape is a silent crime ridden with guilt and shame as well as anger and fear. For these reasons, many stories remain untold. I hope that as my story continues to be heard, that others will break their own silence. As victims tell their stories, they will become survivors. As the fear of telling melts away, so will the shame of the crime. The best revenge on my attacker is for him to know that not only will I not forget, but I will also continue to survive.
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