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Safiya Bandele's journal notes from her visits to St. Agnes Hospital in White Plains, New York: DECEMBER 24, 1994. He's on an I.V. Disoriented. Catheterized. Weak. Looks like he might not make it. He cries, and he tells me he feels so "helpless." I cry. I'm shocked. Nurse discusses his condition, his one kidney. He looks blank. Not eating. Bloody bag. He can't taste. His tongue is coated with a thin, yellowish substance, which he says prevents him from tasting food. He also can't drink liquids because they make him nauseous. DECEMBER 28. He's off the I.V. Off the catheter. Beginning to eat. Still not completely there mentally. Bag still bloody. He says he's focusing on trying to understand the "connections"' in his body re: the illness. DECEMBER 31. Catheter back in. Urine looks better but doctor is "worried." There's still a question in my mind about his mental faculties. He says he "can't penetrate the universe," that his "mind is blank." JANUARY 4, 1995. Getting stronger. His sister Annice had visited and brought a message from his former lover who had a "feeling" that he was sick. He has had no contact with her since 1980 and no physical contact with her since she visited him in Attica Prison in 1976. He wants to regain weight. Eating well. Seems mentally much sharper. The Rev. Gloria Askew, a prison chaplain, also visited. (The television's on in the Visiting Room. K reminds me that I'm the first woman he ever visited who wanted to watch the news with him. From 1969 until his arrest in 1974, we lived blocks apart in the same Brooklyn neighborhood. It is the first time in twenty-five years that we've watched television together.) JANUARY 7. Couldn't urinate on his own. Catheter re-inserted; complications, nurse inserts it wrong, pain and repeated episode with bleeding, although the kidney itself is okay. He's depressed. Scheduled for M.R.I. Problem in bladder and urethra. Spinal connection? (According to his sister, Earnestine, kidney problems run in the family. They have a brother on dialysis--he died in 2000--and an aunt was born with one kidney.) JANUARY 11. Had M.R.I. last night. He says it was a harrowing experience. It took all his power to keep from bugging out. Plus, he's kinda down because the nurse wants him to practice inserting and removing the catheter, and he's not looking forward to doing that. Our goodbye kiss alarms me--his mouth feels and tastes like it did on my last visit in December at Fishkill. When we kissed then, on December 17, K recoiled in horror at the taste of liquids in my mouth--my saliva! JANUARY 14. He looks good but the news and final word (for now) is: He has to self-catheterize; it may be a permanent condition. But he'll be returning to St. Agnes for more tests. He says he's trying to focus on this. How will it work? How can he self-catheterize in prison? How will he get the supplies? He eats dinner. I sit stunned. I was hoping to put the illness behind us. He looks at me and says: "It's something being alone, isn't it?" He'll be going home, to prison, soon. JANUARY 18. He's subdued. Not eating with enthusiasm. We have a long discussion about the Kenyatta Support Committee. He observes that people are loyal to me and not to him. JANUARY 21. Urine is "problematic." Taught himself to catheterize: noon, 6 p.m., midnight, and 6 a.m. He's mentally sharp, sorta back to normal, kinda preoccupied. JANUARY 25. He's eating well. Weight up to 164 lbs. He continually speaks, glowingly, of the hospital dietician, Anna. And asks, "Who could forget the nurse's aide, sweet Esther?" This is probably our last visit at St. Agnes. We joke about the catheter: If he still has to self-catheterize when he comes home, it's a task I'd gladly do, since it would allow me to "handle" his dick four times a day. JANUARY 27. He's transported back to Fishkill Prison and is placed in the prison's infirmary. |