I'm feeling pretty sick of the world right now.
There is the post-holiday barrage of gym-weight-loss-remake-your-body-and-life ads that people will buy into temporarily, half-heartedly, and fully drop at the first sight of Valentine's Day candy. I love watching people stock up on yogurt and have fast food for lunch anyway.
Which leads me to the new Burger King commercial. Some shaggy loser responds to the news of the Whopper's demise with a demanding, "Get me a Whopper, now!" Cue the minimum-wage uniform behind the counter to suddenly produce all 670 calories, 39 grams of fat, and 1,020 mg of sodium, saving the day. People in the background clap. And I'm ashamed of my fellow Americans. What's that you say — the NSA is tapping my phone? Well, I have nothing to hide (oh look, Survivor is on). The news — there's a second genocide occurring in Africa right now? Well I could go for a burger right now. Hmm? Low-income children still going without insurance? Meh. Burger King stopped selling the Whopper? Hold. The. Phone. This is an outrage, I am pissed the f*** off. How can they do this? I mean, I want a Whopper, get me a Whopper, now!
That's what you're willing to fight for? Are you KIDDING ME?
Next up, the Iowa caucuses, specifically, Mike Huckabee's minor win. First of all, in 1992 I was 11 years old, and even I knew how you could and could not contract AIDS. The entire world did, and so did Mike Huckabee. Quarantining the homo-plague carriers was not about a lack of expert information about the disease; it was just plain ignorant and bigoted.
Next, call me crazy, but I don't know how well I'd sleep at night knowing that more and more rapists/murderers/pedophiles like Wayne DuMond were out of prison instead of serving their just life sentences, thanks to Mike Huckabee. I've read the details of the DuMond debacle. His first murders were committed (or so he bragged) with the "slaughter of a village of Cambodians." His second, or first legally documented murder, was in 1972, when he helped beat a teenager to death. He molested an underage girl for the first time a year later. In 1978 he committed his first rape. The 1984 rape of a teenage girl was the one that stuck in the justice system. Life sentence plus 20 years. Huckabee commuted the sentence to time served in 1996. After that DuMond was convicted of murdering a woman in 2000. If he hadn't dropped dead of cancer in 2005, he would've been charged with the rape and murder of a pregnant woman. Pro-Llfe indeed.
The good people of Iowa voted for Huckabee above all the other Republican candidates. They say the evangelicals were responsible for his victory. Well, that's just fantastic. My only hope is for New Hampshire, up here in my corner of the world, to show a little more common sense and intelligence.
Don't even get me started on that con-artist and cult leader Joel Osteen and the "Gospel of Wealth."
Last, but not least, the new article today about how much the cervical cancer vaccinations hurt the poor wittle arms of girls. Shut it, princess. I had the first shot a month ago, and the ache was gone after an hour. If you experience more, say a day or two of pain, deal with it. Am I supposed to break out my violin because for the first time in history you are privileged enough to receive a simple shot that can prevent cancer? Oh I can just hear it now from the pro-lifers: "Do we want our daughters' arms to hurt? This is what liberals and feminists and devil worshipers want — for your little girls' arm to ache for 24-72 hours so that they can freely fornicate with the devil starting at age nine! Jesus does not want your daughter to feel the sting! Can I get an Amen?!"
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
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