A few years ago I went on one of my book binges and read over a dozen Monroe biographies. They all have radically different theories about her love affairs and cause of death, but they all agree on a few facts.

Marilyn Monroe was extremely intelligent. Not many people know this, but she was well read and took courses at UCLA. She devoted herself to studying at The Actor’s Studio, making life-long friends with the Strassburg family. Lindsay Lohan’s education, however, is merely…adequite.

Marilyn Monroe bared all for the camera, but she had enough to class to keep her legs closed in front of the paparazzi. Unlike sad Red, Monroe was on the first Playboy cover. Almost a half century later, she was voted the "Number One Sex Symbol of the 20th Century" in the magazine. Lohan was named Maxim‘s hottest woman this past year. But the magazine’s young male demographic preferred the cover model, geeky-sexy comedienne Sarah Silverman.

Monroe was also nominated for many distinguished awards, such as Golden Globes and a BAFTA award, and after Bus Stop a New York Times reviewer announced, "Marilyn Monroe has finally proved herself as an actress." She won the Italian Oscar equivalent for The Prince and the Showgirl. Lohan also won many acting awards this year — two, in fact, for worst actress. She also served time in prison and made three trips to rehab.

Whatever her relationship with either of the Kennedy brothers, Monroe was not stupid enough to expect either of them to help her career. But Lohan, after her first rehab stint (first of three in six months) enthusiastically emailed to a friend, "Al Gore will help me." Because that’s what former Vice Presidents and Nobel Prize winners do — help drunken starlets who are videotaped snorting cocaine.

Monroe had her infamous drug problem, but it was her problem. She did not rack up two DUIs, chase down a former employee, and then claim "the black kid" had been driving — when she had just run over his FUCKING FOOT." (Quote borrowed from Jezebel.)

Monroe struggled throughout her career for respect as an artist. She never got it, but it wasn’t for lack of trying — she studied the craft, she battled the studio over bimbo roles, and she was the first actress to ever form her own production company. Lohan is struggling for attention and thinks the rest should be handed to her.

Back to this new photo shoot. Back in 1962, Monroe was drunk on champagne but looked damned good for 36. Lohan, for once, was sober, but at 21, physically, she cannot hold a candle to Monroe. She shouldn’t be caught passed out drunk in that white wig, either.

I read that, aside from Jesus Christ, there are more books written about Marilyn Monroe than any other single human being in history. Decades after her death, she still fascinates us. She is respected as the icon of the 20th century and, to those who see her movies, as a real actress. I’d bet that Lohan won’t be remembered as anything other than an embarrassment.