(Rich Tenorio)

The following is the transcript of the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of the Homosexual Agenda (AAA-HA!), at the presentation of the Tinky-Winky Agenda Teamwork award, presented by RuPaul to Dr. Dobson of Focus on the Family, in recognition of his outstanding service as an Undercover Agent of Homosexual Propaganda

[Cheers, applause]

[RuPaul] Thank you. Thank you.

Today I am honored to present Dr. James Dobson with the Tinky-Winky Agenda Teamwork award in recognition of his ongoing efforts to portray America’ s Homophobes as ludicrous, spiteful, clinically paranoid semi-morons. Soon, thanks to efforts like his, America’ s homophobes will have worked themselves up to such an absurd frenzy of paranoia that their antics will be the fodder for late-night comedy and reality TV alike.  

Imagine it: Homophobe Factor where buxom young homophobes face challenges like sitting through gay-friendly programming while wearing gender-inappropriate clothing! Watch them squirm will be a national pastime!

[Whooping, ebullient cries of “You go, girlfriend!”]

But before we continue with the award ceremony, I have been asked to make an announcement. Will the owner of the Fred Phelps inflatable doll that was found in the back room please reclaim it directly after the ceremony? Mr. Phelps could not be with us tonight, as he is busy furthering our Agenda by harassing schoolchildren and updating his godhatesfags.com website linking the tsunami tragedy to God’ s wrath over homosexuality. Mr. Phelps should be acknowledged for his tireless work at portraying Homophobic America as a bunch of spittle-spewing freaks. It is nice to know that he is here tonight in spirit-and evidently in latex-though, not in body.

Now, to the business at hand. Dr. Dobson, please come to the stage to accept your award.  

Dr. Dobson jogs onstage to the tune “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate.

RuPaul  We at AAA-HA! would like to present you with this Tinky-Winky Agenda Teamwork award in everlasting gratitude for your efforts on our behalf.  Let me point out that this is no sanitized Oscar. This Tinky-Winky replica is anatomically correct for your pleasure. We have gone the extra mile in creating this just for you-please note the removable pink feather boa which can make a stunning addition to anyone’ s wardrobe. The entire thing is machine-washable. We have done all this because we could not have asked for a better partner and look forward to a long and profitable future with you in our ongoing Compulsory Homosexuality for America’ s Next Generation (CHANG) program.

Dr. Dobson — by the way, I loooove the sequin pasties you’ re wearing! Did you wax your chest especially for us? Can I touch? Thank you.

Ahem. Excuse me; I’ m getting a little flushed. But, I’ m here to present this award, not fondle the honoree. So, Dr. Dobson, in presenting this award, we wish to acknowledge your important contribution to advancing the Homosexual Agenda by launching patently pernicious attacks on innocent cartoon characters in the tradition of Jerry Falwell’ s fabulous flap over Tinky-Winky, the “gay” Teletubby.  

Dr. Dobson reaches for the trophy, but RuPaul dangles it just out of reach

Before I give this to you, though, I have to ask the question that I am sure is on everyone’ s mind this evening: How did you know that SpongeBob would present such a ripe opportunity to expose the hypocrisy of our enemies, Traditional Families?

Dr. Dobson Well, RuPaul, as you know, I’ m a doctor. And I knew that when I singled out SpongBob Squarepants, who is of course a sponge, for trying to brainwash the nation’ s children into accepting the Homosexual Agenda, Mr. Squarepants’ hermaphrodism would ultimately come to light.  

RuPaul Of course! Everyone knows that sponges are hermaphrodites, and if Mr. Squarepants portrays hermaphrodism as a normal and acceptable lifestyle-how could you not speak out against the Hermaphroditic Agenda? How could you, church-going and morally-upright Heterosexual that you are, not denounce such a thing?  

Dobson Exactly! And when I saw that Mr. SquarePants would be participating in a children’ s video dancing with Clifford the Big Red Dog and Barney the Dinosaur to the to the tune, “We Are Family”, I immediately set about calling the video sinister, exhorting people to express their “shock and outrage” at the appalling message. And of course, everything went exactly according to plan.  Homophobes everywhere reached for their phones to make piously outraged calls denouncing the cartoon characters and their nefarious influence on children. It’ s only a matter of time before they start campaigning against the unnatural lifestyles of sponges! I hope to announce someday soon the nationwide homophobe boycott of dishwashing for its apparent link to aberrant sexual behavior.

RuPaul Well, you are just a genius, aren’ t you! But lest we forget how far we’ ve come, we should acknowledge that our alliance has not always been smooth sailing. Things didn’ t always go so neatly according to plan. Do you remember your idea to put anti-gay marriage initiatives on swing-state ballots?  

Dobson Yeah, we’ d have to say that backfired. The glorious irony of talking about family values “marriage promotion,” then turning around to outlaw gay marriage was too subtle for our enemies, Traditional Families. Unfortunately, they seemed almost eager to overlook that inconsistency, and rather than cowering in their homes, too embarrassed and confused by their own hypocrisy to show their homophobic faces in public, they turned out in droves to enact anti-gay initiatives.

RuPaul Still we must persist-and we will prevail! Of course we expect minor setbacks like these in a program as grand and far-reaching as CHANG. I know I speak for everyone here when I say how glad I am that even after the marriage debacle, we decided to give you the benefit of the doubt! People will be laughing about your SpongeBob brouhaha for years to come!

Dobson I appreciate that, but I’ d like to give credit where credit is due — I wasn’ t the first to suggest targeting Mr. Squarepants. Alan A. Sears, please stand up.  

[The crowd erupts in wolf whistles as Mr. Sears rises, clad in a studded leather dog collar and latex pants.]

RuPaul Of course! Mr. Sears of the Alliance Defense Fund [shouts of, “Yeah, baby!”] Mr. Sears was the first to see that Mr. Squarepants was a ripe target for our plot as early as last summer. Thank you, Mr. Sears. You make take your seat.  

Unfortunately for Mr. Sears —  and why you, Dr. Dobson, are onstage today accepting the Tinky Winky Agenda Teamwork award — the timing was not quite right. You — you somehow knew to wait until the We Are Family video came out.  What made the video such a good tool?  

[DD]  Two words, RuPaul: “Tolerance and diversity.” I know, at first you weren’ t sure you wanted to unmask them for what they were, “buzzwords for homosexual advancement”, as I called them. You kept asking me, “Why should we risk exposing the truth?” But calling that phrase, so upright and innocent-sounding, “pernicious propaganda” was right-on in portraying the paranoia of Homophobic America. Thanks to our brave forbearers, the PC Police of the 1980s, “tolerance and diversity”are standards of American values as unassailable as mom and apple pie. When the homophobes come out frothing against those values, they appear loonier than the ’ toons they’ re attacking.

RuPaul Well, you know what they say, Dr. Dobson: “Just ’ cuz you’ re paranoid, doesn’ t mean they’ re not out to get you!”

[uproarious laughing from the audience]

In closing, I’ d just like to say it takes a special man to expose the Hypocrisy of the Homophobes as artfully as you, Dr. Dobson, have done. We may never fully understand the vision you had that Joseph Chambers lacked when he attacked beloved muppets, Burt and Ernie. Or why even the Tinky-Winky kerfuffle lacked the staying power of your Spongebob sputterings. Even Fred Phelps’  diabolical diatribes have failed where you succeeded most beautifully-though as far as I know there is not a line of Dr. Dobson inflatable dolls. But we’ ll work on that!

Until that time, Dr. Dobson, please accept this Tinky Winky Agenda Teamwork award.  You, above all, deserve it.

In The Fray Contributor